Dennis looked thoughtful as we moved forward in line. A third employee took a seat at a far desk and called me over.
“Name and medical record number?”The woman was at a computer, hands poised and ready to type.
“Emery Raine.” I paused at the realization my medical card wasn’t with me. But before I could use that as an excuse, it was slipped into my hand. Of course, Dennis had it. I sighed and gave it to the woman.
“Thank you, dear.”She typed a few things before giving it back, along with a clipboard and pen.“Fill these out and I’ll let Dr. Tsai know you’re here.Bring these two up when you’re ready,”she pointed to the bottom two forms,“and save the third for Dr. Tsai.”
I took the clipboard and went to thefurthest seat, passing Dennis along the way. He came to sit beside me without hesitation. I looked through the top form and started filling it out. I’d done this form so many times, it was pretty much second nature at this point. My full name, address, the medical history of my parents.
I wrote in the proper answers: my mom had alcohol and substance abuse, dad had substance abuse, I was diagnosed bipolar five years ago and started care and medication the same day. I paused at a question I didn’t feel as comfortable answering.
There were too many people. A few adults and a couple of kids were scattered around the room, some looking nervous and others completely at ease. I wanted to leave.
“You’re okay. No one’s paying you any attention.”Dennis reached over to stop me from tapping the pen. I nodded and went back to writing.
One suicide attempt, yes. Thoughts of suicide during episodes, yes. Yes to thoughts of harming other people and myself. I glanced up again and looked around.
“You probably shouldn’t do that.”He touched the pen again, which I’d been nearly stabbing my leg with. I went back to checking boxes on the paper.
During my childhood I experienced teasing, drug and alcohol abuse by parents, verbal abuse, and witness to violence. I’d gone through problems with odd or irrational behavior, impulsiveness, aggressive behavior, risky behavior, violent behavior, hallucinations, depression, legal problems, promiscuity, restrictive eating, insomnia, sleep disturbance, suicidal thoughts, plans, and one failed attempt.
At this point, I moved from the check marks to small paragraphs, and finally multiple choice about my mood over the past two weeks.It was becoming repetitive, as always. I continued like this until I ran out of answers to give and looked up. I had finished the entire thing. Again. Like so many times before.
“Can you stop?”
I jumped when Dennis touched my hand. I hadn’t realized how much I’d been tapping the pen, but it seemed to be getting on his nerves.
“Sorry.”I pulled the clipboard to my chest and noticed his eyes quickly stray from the back.“Were you reading this?”
“No.”
I knew he wasn’t lying, but he was noticeably curious. I contemplated before deciding he should maybe see. He was around me enough and always asking Ari what to watch out for.He may as well know for himself.
“You can read it if you want, but don’t try to talk about it.”I held it out, much to his surprise.“We’re not discussing any of it.”
“Are you sure?”Hetook itonce I nodded.
It seemed like forever passed before he was finished. He silently gave it back and I eagerly got up. I wanted to get this entire thing over with and go home. Or back to their condo. Wherever would get me away from all these people.
“All set, dear?”
“Yeah.”I unclipped the bottom two papers and gave them back to the same lady.“I keep this one, right?”I held up the third.
“Yes, that’s for Dr. Tsai. Go ahead and sit back down.She’ll be out in a minute.”She smiled and I tried to return it before walking away.
I headed for my same seat but some little kid ran straight in front of me. I froze up and bit my lip to hold back more stupid fucking tears. I wanted to cry. I wanted to leave. I wanted to be anywhere but here but nowhere at all and I needed to go somewhere.
I ran a hand across my cheeks and made a beeline for the most isolated seat in the room. It was in a corner and far away from all the kids. And their parents, and any doctors calling patients over or the people checking everyone in. It was alone and safe and I could see everything if I backed against the wall.
I did just that and stared ahead, wrapping my arms around my stomach. I looked up at the sound of Dennis approaching. I’d left him halfway across the room in my desperation to leave everyone else behind.
“You’re doing the corner again?”
I nodded as he took the closest seat. I didn’t mind him being next to me. It was everyone else. I tried to pull my hair, but he took my hand.
“I’m sorry.”I didn’t know what else to say.
“For what?”
