“Are you okay?”
I nodded and leaned against the window. He kept stealing glances my way, but I kept staring out the window. I was trying not to cry again. I was trying not to think about things and hoping wherever we were going didn’t require interaction. The thought of talking to people was terrifying.
“Are yousureyou’re okay?”
I jumped and almost hit my head. I’d forgotten he was there.“Yeah.I’m fine.”I leaned against the window and pulled my hood up.
“Did you take your meds today?”Dennis asked. He immediately regretted it when two tears rolled down my cheeks. I nodded. I hated that fucking question. I wanted to go home.“I heard you got a job at the bar,”hetried again.
“Yeah. I start tomorrow.”I stared straight ahead while I tried to hold it in. I curled up in my seat, cradling my knees and maneuvering my sleeves past my hands. I balled them into fists and tried not to break down. I did that yesterday. I didn’t need to do it again.
Dennis was silent for the rest of the drive.But the second I saw where we were going, I dropped my legs and bolted upright.
“No! No.”I pushed my sleeves up and unbuckled my seatbelt.“What the hell makes you think you have the right to bring me here? I’m not going inside and you can’t make me.”I tried to open my door but it was on child lock.
I’d been here too many times before. Too many emergency check-ins and interventions and psychiatry appointments I didn’t need. It wasallshit I didn’t need.
“You’re going inside.I’ll make you if I have to.”He pulled the keys from the ignition and got out, leaving my door locked. He shut his own and came around to my side. I shied away from the door. Maybe I could go out the other door and run home. I crawled halfway to the other side before he dragged me back and out of the car.“You’re going inside.”
“No the fuck I’m not!”
“Yes, you are.”He picked me up and hoisted me over a shoulder while I twisted and kicked.
“No!I’m not fucking going inside! I hate this place, you can’t make me go in! This is involuntary and it’s fucking illegal!”
“This isn’t a three day hold, it’s one appointment. There’s nothing illegal about it.”
“How thefuck did you even make this appointment? You don’t have access to my medical…” The realization hitas he dropped me on my feet.“Did Ari do this?”
Ragetook over as I realized it must’ve been her. She was the only relative with access to my medical care. She was the only person in the world I trusted enough to sign off on.
“Yeah. She made the appointment and asked me to take you. She knew you would fight and she’s not strong enough to drag you in here anymore.”
I knew exactly what he was talking about; every time I got depressed, she was the only person who could talk me into leaving the house. And anytime I needed an intervention or urgent appointment, she had to fight me to go inside. The only reason I ever went in willingly was because I didn’t wanna hurt her. He was right, though. She wouldn’t be able to hold her own now that I was immortal.
“We’re not immortal.”
“I don’t wanna go in.”I was scared. I hated hospitals. Especially mental ones. This was a regular medical building and not an emergency one, but I’d spent enough time in psychiatric emergency care that the two felt interchangeable.
“We’re trying to help you.”He steered me toward the door.
I reluctantly let him. My fear and anger were turning to anxiety. I wanted to run away or curl up in a ball in my corner somewhere. Any corner away from this building.
I flinched as the automatic doors slid open. Dennis led me through the waiting room and to the short line. Dr. Kelsey was in Newark, meaning I’d be getting a new psychiatrist today. I’d never had a routine doctor in this town before.
I fidgetedwhile my stomach twisted in knots. There were too many people around. I couldn’t handle this. It felt like everything was pressing on me and all of them were staring and I didn’t like it.
“This is weird.”Dennis was the only one actually watchingme.“I’ve never seen you this anxious before.”
I ran a hand up my arm, glancing at a young couple to our left. I didn’t want them so close to me.
“There are too many people here,”I whispered.
“That’s never bothered you before.”His eyes stayed on me while I glanced around.
There were two people in front of us and two employees checking patients in.
“It comes with the episodes. Or sometimes in between.”I was talking quietly so no one else could hear. I didn’t want them in my conversation.
