“I’m going to the bathroom.” My voice was hoarse as I backed out of the room. I could feel my emotions running through him, even stronger than his own. I felt even worse knowing he had to feel this, too.
I shut the bathroom door and turned to the mirror. Staring when I realized my reflection wouldn’t show up. It would never show up again. My eyes welled as I held onto the bathroom sink.
They flickered to the shower, where I’d been keeping my razor while Ari and I stayed here all week. It was obviously to shave with, but it would work either way. To shave my legs or kill myself. Slit my wrists and lock the door. Stay in here until I bled out. If that would even work. Dennis still hadn’t told me how to kill a vampire.
“I’m not leaving you in there alone if you keep thinking like that.”
I jumped as his voice came from the hall.
“I’m not,” I said shakily. Lied shakily.“I wouldn’t…” Leave myself here for them to find. I’d obviously have to go somewhere else, where Ari and my uncle couldn’t find me. I couldn’t put that on them. Not with everything else I’d already caused.“You can stay out there. I won’t do anything.”
Chains clanged as he leaned against the wall, but he didn’t say anything.
I slid my phone from a pocket and used thecamerato check myself. I set it down and rinsed my face, trying to scrub away tears and running makeup. Then wiped at the blood staining my arms and neck. The splatters across my chest.
The traces of having killed someone.
I picked up my phone for another look, then dropped it and bolted from the room. Dennis pushed away from the wall as I collided with him. He took my wrists, looking them over while I avoided eye contact.
“I’m gonna go for a walk.” I pushed past and walked down the hall while he followed, then stopped in the middle of the room. I stared at the wall—I couldn’t remember why I was here.
Seconds passed, maybe minutes, before Mateo finally spoke. It jarred me from the weird trance. They were both watching me.
“What’re you staring at?” Mateo tried again. He glanced at Dennis, whose eyes stayed on me.
“I don’t know.” I blanked for a second before my focus drifted to a bag near the tv. I walked to it and sat down. I stared for a few more seconds, then dragged it close and pulled it open.
There was something in there I should have, but I couldn’t remember what it was. I knew the bag was mine, though. I’d brought it over sometime earlier today. Or last week. At some point in my life.
“What’re you looking for?”Dennis’question came next. I resealed the suitcase and dropped it, then got up for my walk. I was going for a walk.“Where are you walking to?”
I only stared at him. His eyes were so hazel. But they’d been black earlier. Except I hadn’t seen him earlier. Or had I? I couldn’t remember. Nothing was making sense anymore.
“I’m going for a walk,” I said.
“Do you want one of us to come with you?”
“No. Thank you.” I went outside, shutting the door as quietly as possible.
Picking Up Pieces
The fresh air didn’t smell as good as before. Everything was so out of focus. The voices were a faint murmur. My skin was begging to be covered, protected from everything that kept touching it.
I passed the pool and went downstairs. Past the building, wandered down the street in whatever direction came next. It was deserted and well into the night now. Even more than it had been before, because time was passing and moving on without me. That was how things worked.
Ari was leaving me behind, my dad had gone to prison and disowned me, my mom chose drugs over me, and my aunt chose to help my mom over taking me out of foster care. Of course, my uncle would be done with me since Ari was. That girl was right; I was worthless and nobody cared.
I kept on down the street and into a side alley, wanting nothing more than to disappear. I backed against the wall and let out a dry sob, followed by real ones—my body wracked as I slid to the ground. I wanted it to stop. I had to stop being so weak, to stop being so annoying and maybe Ari would come back. Maybe Dennis would stay if I was better.
I squeezed my arms and began to rock. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried so hard. The last time the world was so grey. So hopeless. So much better off without me.
My heart ached. I hadn’t felt this sad in so long.
And then a noise came—Iscurriedaway from it until another sound came from my other side. This time from the street. This one came with a smell.
I took a shaky breath and forced myself to get up. The smell was getting stronger. I could suddenly control myself a bit more. I approached the alley opening, peering out to the street from its shadows.
I could smell the human’s blood, hear his heart pulsating while he talked to someone on the phone. I wiped my tears and waited. It would be worth it. I had already killed once, so I may as well do it again.
