“We’re not leaving you—”
“You’relying! You’re all gonna leave me, one by one and I’m gonna be stuck here all alone when I can’t even function, I can’t do anything right and I can’t even, I can’t—”
Panic set in as I realized Mateo was staring at me. He was worried because he was gonna leave. They were all leaving and Dennis would be next because he was most important. He was the most important after Ari and he was leaving next—
I couldn’t breathe; a pain was pressing on my chest, swirling with everything that’s wrong and the fact that I need to die.
Dennis let go as I sank to the floor, crying so hard it felt like I was ripping in half.
“I’m not leaving you.” He kneeled beside me. I snatched a handful of hair but he pried my hand open, then grabbed the other and forced both down. “Vixen. Emy,please, you have to trust me. I’ll stay here all night if I have to, but I’m not leaving you.”
Hesat and pulledme close, holding tight as I started sobbing harder than ever. I squeezed his hands, taking violent breaths through the pain in my chest. I was ruining everything. I always had to ruin everything and now he was gonna leave forever.
“I’m not. It’s okay.” He pushed my hair aside when I let his hands go.“You’re not ruining anything. Ari’s coming back and I’ll be right here until she does. I promise I’m not leaving you.”
“I’m so sorry,” I choked the words out before burying my face. The sobbing wouldn’t stop. The voices wouldn’t leave. The longing for suicide was only getting stronger.
“It’s okay,” Dennis said, running his fingers through my hair.
I took heaving breaths, wiping my tears so roughly it hurt. I had to stop. I had to get it together. I had to be better so no one would leave.
Forever passed before the crying slowed. I took a deep, cautious breath and looked around. Warm tears were still falling, rolling down my cheeks because they couldn’t fully stop. But the pain was gone. The panic had faded. I could finally breathe.
“Are you feeling any better?” Mateo asked. He was sitting nearby, wringing his hands with a deep frown.
I stared a few more seconds before barely nodding. He smiled in relief, but I couldn’t return it. I couldn’t feel anything. I moved a hand and realized Dennis was holding both of mine, toying with my fingers.
“Are you gonna scratch yourself if I let go?” His tone was hesitant.
I shook my head, but he didn’t let go. Everything was slowly coming back to me.
Ari was gone. She hated me. I killed someone. I couldn’t feel a single thing except Dennis against me. Which was all I wanted, but I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t deserve any of them. Ilet his hands go and pulled away.
Moving made me realize how badly everything hurt. My eyes were stinging, my throat was killing me, my head was pounding, and my arms and legs were covered in scratches.
“Can I go?” My voice barely worked.
“I’m guessing you wanna be alone.” Dennis was studying me, his hazel eyes full of something I didn’t understand. I tried to say‘yeah,’but my voice gave out.“You can go in my room, if you want. But if I hear you trying to hurt yourself, I’m coming in.”
“Thanks,” I whispered.
“Tell me if you need anything.” He let go as I stood, making my body hurt even worse.
Everything in me was screaming to go back. I closed his bedroom door, then found the nearest corner and slid to the floor. I pulled my knees to my chest and stared at the wall.
My mind was shutting down. My body was numb and the voices were coming back. They were echoing, getting louder, swirling in my head. I wanted to kill myself. The voices were screaming at me to do it and Ari’s last words were alongside them. She was right; I could never survive like this.
Minutes passed.
I tugged my knees, taking shuddering breaths through relentless tears. Dennis and Mateo were whispering. It was so quiet I could barely hear through the door from the corner I was backed against, but I could make out certain words.
Institutionalize. Worried. Medication.
I pushed away from the wall and stood. Shadows flashed past my vision while my breathing tightened. I didn’t wanna leave. I didn’t wanna exist, either. All I wanted was for Ari to come back and Dennis to be right beside me. I took a shaky breath and stared down at the blood and scratches along my trembling arms. Things were crawling on my skin, but nothing was there.
I wiped my cheeks and left the room, desperate to escape before anything couldgrab mealong the way. But I came to a stop when the whispering faltered and died. Dennis’eyes were on me, as were Mateo’s.
“Did you do that right now?” Dennis looked at my arm, which had a fresh row of scratches. I’d managed it quietly enough not to be heard. I shook my head, scared he would figure it out and leave. “I’m not leaving.”
