She sat on this one for a bit. It was actually Gage’s suggestion to try therapy to see why she was sosad all the time. It bummed him out and made him feel bad. So was she just here to make him feel better or herself? Of course, it wasn’t curing her so he didn’t think it was worth it anymore, but she started to depend on it to get through the week.
When he suggested therapy, she asked him, “What if the therapist says the problem is you?”
His response was … interesting: “I doubt that will happen. I’m pretty sure you’re just not trying hard enough.”
At the time, she wondered if he was right. Of course she did. She hated herself, so why would she doubt that something was keeping her from being content and eager to take on the day like she used to be?
It was something they had been discussing for months now. Her self-esteem was trash, despite any compliments she received from others. Of course, they were rarely from Gage. She always doubted them because she figured people were just being nice. It was hard for her to even believe her closest friends when they said kind things, which was often. Why couldn’t she feel that way about herself?
“I’m not sure I can do any better than him. I was single for over a year before I found Gage. We’ve been dating so long at this point it would feel like a waste to walk away. He’s in a stable job, has his own place. I mean, he’s a catch, right? My whole family loves him.”Hailey thought back to the phone call with her mother this morning after telling her about all the missed calls.
“Oh, honey, he has a right to know where you are. I think it’s sweet he cares so much about you and wants to know you’re okay. He can give you anything you want so why would you ever want anything else? You should respond to him faster from now on. Keep him happy! That boy will give me the grandkids I want!”
Hailey’s mom definitely had a tainted view of what a happy relationship should look like.
She was nervous about how her therapist would answer, but she somehow knew it would be more palatable than her mom’s response.
“Being able to take care of oneself does not mean you are capable of caring for others,” she said with a serious face that told her she meant business.
“But I can take care of myself!”
“That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve someone who wants to take care of you.”
“Dammit, Marley! Stop being right,” she said with a smile that brought one to Marley’s face. Success!
“It’s not about taking care of you. Although if you need it, a good partner should be able to. It’s about making you be your best self. Do you truly think that being with Gage makes you the best version of yourself when you’re withhim?”
“Fuck. Well, no. But it’s our one-year anniversary today! That would be a messed-up time to end things. Isn’t love work?”
“Some people think it should be, and maybe it is a little. But, Hailey, you should never have to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else. Your partner should be just that: an equal partner, your biggest fan, your teammate. You should be a unit that makes each other better because you have the other to rely on if you need them.”
She was silent for a bit after that and Marley loved making her think in the silence. She just looked at her with her bright brown eyes that somehow made her want to tell her every single detail about her whole life. And she did.
She knew it was true that Gage wasn’t her biggest fan, supporting her in everything she did. He wasn’t exactly excited or supportive about her leaving journalism so she could pursue a creative writing career, and he thought fantasy novels were for kids. And he never went to any of her soccer games. He came once and didn’t enjoy her “rubbing up on other guys on the field.”
Hailey didn’t realize slide tackling a dude was flirting.
Stability seemed to be the thing that drove Gage. He gave her crap for working too much when he workedseventy-hour weeks or more.
He did something in finance, managing rich people’s stock portfolios. Chugging espressos all day. However, this meant he always came home smelling like coffee, and she hated the smell of coffee. Don’t get her started on the taste.
She always wondered if her palate never grew up along with the rest of her body. She still hated vegetables, the taste of coffee made her sick and dry wine just tasted like wood to her. She preferred things sweet. But right now, she was realizing that not everything in her life was sweet.
“I don’t want to go to my best friend’s wedding without a date. I’ll be the only single bridesmaid if that happens. So why don’t I wait until that’s over? Maybe a wedding will have him thinking more seriously about us.”
“It could. Some people definitely get excited and lovey-dovey during weddings. But do you think you’d have a better time with him or without him?”
“I think I’d be miserable by myself. I just hate feeling out of place and singled out. It’s just too lonely.”
Marley paused for a beat to consider everything.
“If that is what you want to do and what you feel comfortable doing, then go for it. Just remember to stand up for yourself when he does something inappropriate. You shouldn’t be afraid of him. Youshould be able to set boundaries.”
“I’m not afraid of him! I just hate it when he’s upset.”
“Right. Have you talked to him about your sex life yet?”
Okay, maybe she was a little bit afraid of standing up to him, but she just didn’t want to lose him. She was almost thirty and so many others from her high school class were already married off, posting about their weddings and their babies on social media. There was a reason she avoided the apps as much as possible. Parties just felt lonely without a partner at this point. Although, her friends on the soccer team were also single, at least.
