“My guess? He’s worried if he doesn’t play baseball, you won’t like him. If he doesn’t play baseball, he won’t know who he is. Sure, he peacocks around like king of the world, but he’s a huge softie who needs a lot of reassurance. Even if you’ve told him once, he needs to hear it again.”
Madelyn nods. “He hasn’t always been that way. I mean, he was a happy little kid and then our parents died, and he had to grow up. We all did, but he throws his whole self into whatever he’s doing and can’t let himself enjoy it because he’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“So what do I do?” I know time is running out, but I’m still at a loss of how to help him.
“You want the honest answer?” Violet asks. “Nola, he’s done the therapy. He’s had the dream career. For all the bad in his life, he’s had things handed to him on silver platters. If he can’t figure out how to be happy with whatever his next chapter is, then you’ll need to walk away for your own sanity. Fulfill your end of this bargain and get out. I love my brother, but you deserve better than a man-child.”
“Ouch. Would you believe it if I tell you that Violet is the naturally happy one?” Madelyn gives me a big smile. “He’s going to sulk for a few days and bounce back. You just have to ride out the wave and be willing to give him the space to do his thing.”
“Okay.” It isn’t exactly the four-step formula I was hoping for, but it helps to know this was Max-normal. There is onething I need clarification on before we hang up. “Does giving him space mean I should totally ignore him?”
Violet’s face puzzles. “I’m not sure. He’s never had somebody he cares about—outside of us—see this side of him before.”
Emma wantedme to calculate the length of Max’s pool compared to an Olympic-sized pool and figure out how many laps she’d have to swim to swim the 100. While I wasn’t sure what the “gold” was in her mind, I told her that sounded like a great math problem for her to figure out. The answer: enough laps and she was out like a light at eight o’clock. That hadn’t happened in years. Bless her tween heart.
I’d taken the Hutchings sisters’ advice and let Max be Max for the rest of the day. Made good headway on the landscape for the hotel, ordered more groceries for the house between laundry and tuning into the Seafarer’s afternoon game, followed by lifeguarding my child’s athletic feat. I owe Max an apology for when he told me giving her a B was a fair grade. After locking up, I carry a tray of grocery store sushi and sparkling water up to Max’s room.
Knocking would be the polite thing to do, but I’m also the wife, so I let myself in and can’t believe what he’s watching. The romcommest of all romcoms:When Harry Met Sally. There are so many ways I could react to this. I could point out his sisters were right and he is a big softie. That would mean admitting to talking to them earlier and I’m not sure I want to go there right now. I could also point out how it’s adorable he identifies so much with the grumpy maincharacter, Harry Burns. Instead, I climb into bed next to him and hand him a crunchy tuna roll and ask him to start the movie over.
“Is this from the grocery store?” he asks after one bite.
“You know it, and all you gotta say is thank you.”
The only light in the room comes from the TV, and from the corner of my eye, I see him chuckle. In my book, that’s a good sign, all things considered, and I say nothing else while we eat.
The silence, though easy, eats at me after a while, and halfway through the movie, I grab the remote and push pause. Setting aside my almost finished third spicy California roll, I tell him, “We’re going to get through this together, whatever happens, okay?”
“What’s happening?” he asks and takes a bite of his roll.
“As requested, we’re finally talking like adults.”
“Oh.” He puts down his tray and runs a hand down the side of his face. “What if I’m cut from the team?”
“It’ll be really hard and disappointing. You’ll go through the five stages of grief and eventually, you’ll buy that key and kite and follow me to Philly,” I tell him and he seems to appreciate me remembering his promise to go wherever I was.
“And if I decide to quit before I finish out my contract?”
“That’s fine too.”
His gazes narrows. “There’s more, isn’t there?”
“I need to say something right now, and you might not like it but you need to hear it.”I wrinkle my nose.
“Try me.”
“It’s hard for me that when things get hard for you or don’t go your way, you make poor choices.”
“I—”
“My turn,” I say softly. “When you started to have a harder time keeping up with the younger players, you turned toperformance-enhancing drugs. You get a concussion and you immediately shut down. Shut me out. Ignore Emma. You claim you want forever with me Max, you want this to be real, but what happens when things get hard forus—because life is guaranteed to be hard—what are you going to do then? What poor choice will you make? Will you give up and walk out on us? I need to know that you recognize you don’t cope well because it won’t just hurt me, but it’ll hurt my daughter, and that gives me pause.”
“I’m nothing but a man of my word and I hoped by now, with me asking you to get married for real, you’d accept that I’m really not going anywhere.”
I rest my hand on his chest and sigh. “Max, I want to believe that, but what you told me about the team needing you? Well, I’ve been in a marriage before where I was the runner-up, and while I’m not comparing my late husband’s thrill-seeking to your love of the game, I’m allowed to have my feelings.”
“Absolutely,” he agrees. “And I need you to know I’m being real here, Nola. I want you.”
My heart picks up speed with those three words as he searches my face. “Tell me what you are so afraid of.”
