The problem, as she saw it, was that such things should not have been necessary.
“Caspian…” Carefully, she took her husband’s hand. It was trembling, so she held it to her chest. “I need you to breathe. To be calm.”
“I am perfectly calm.”
She chuckled softly. “This is not calm. In fact, I don’t think I have ever seen you so emotional.”
“Can you blame me?”
“No, you have every right. Only…” She made sure to be looking into his eyes. “Let us think about this clearly. Anything that we do will be watched closely and commented on. And any actions we take, if they are obvious, will only add kindling to the fire. The best way to fight this is to do nothing.”
He bared his teeth. “I cannot do that.”
“You can,” she pressed on him. “Caspian, what does it matter what other people say? I know you think it does but…” She shook her head as she looked desperately at him. “The only thing that matters is how we feel. And all the outside noise is just a distraction.”
Her eyes searched him, praying that he would understand what she was saying, but he looked away, still snarling, still shaking.
“We are married,” she continued gently, still holding his hand to her chest. “We are happy, no?” She waited for a response, but he did not give it. “It does not matter how this marriage started, only how it ends.”
“I… that is not…”
He was struggling to come to terms with how he felt. Behind the anger, beyond the confusion, Thalia could see him desperately reaching for answers that were not there. She knew how he felt. She was certain that he cared for her. He just had to say it…
“I will not be insulted.” He snatched his hand away and turned his back on her.
Thalia’s heart sank and she stumbled back.
Why can’t he say it? The only reason I can think… no, I refuse to believe that. Not after everything we have done.
It was thus that Thalia came to a decision. It was madness, she knew. It was dangerous and would likely break her. But with all things considered, she had no choice.
Sick of the lies. Sick of not knowing. And now with a child on the way. If Thalia was to stand by her husband, she needed to know that he would stand by her. She needed to know once and for all that this marriage meant to him what it did to her.
“Can I ask you something, Caspian?” she said softly, speaking to his back. He did not respond, so she asked again. “Caspian, look at me please.”
Slowly, he turned. There was still that anger behind his eyes, but through it, she thought she could see the man who she had fallen in love with. He was not angry, but scared. Lost and unsure ofhow to find a way out. He loved her, she knew that he did, and she needed him to see it.
“When I agreed to marry you, it was done with the requirement that I give you an heir, and I want to know, when that day comes, what…” Her body was trembling with fear. “What will you do?”
He started. “What do you mean?”
“Lord Donmere’s words do not matter.” She took a step into him and took his hand again. “Not unless what he says is the truth. So, I ask you again, when I do provide you with a child, what comes next? What does that mean for us?”
The question caught him by surprise.
He leaned back as if shoved. The anger he held faded, sadness flashing behind his eyes, and Thalia continued to hold him in her probing stare. She bore herself into his eyes so that he could not escape her.
Should she have just told him how she felt? Maybe, but that felt like a cheat. She did not want to force him. She did not want to trick him. She wanted him to say it on his own accord, because only then would she know it was true.
“I… I have not thought about it,” he said finally.
“Yes, you have,” she countered. “Tell me, when I have a child, what is next for us? This marriage is not what either of usexpected, it has not gone how we foresaw…” She laughed and forced a smile. “And I want to know, what you want from me. From us.”
He licked his lips as he considered.
He glanced away and then looked at her.
He fought within himself, and for a moment, Thalia thought that she saw the answer pass behind his eyes. She thought that she saw the relief that comes when one stops fighting the obvious and finally accepts the truth. She thought that she saw love.
