Life has done an excellent job of teaching me the value of detachment.
I’d learned to value the present, while not mourning my past.
Nothing was ever permanently yours.
What ebbed, eventually flowed.
What God giveth,he could rightfully taketh
Today, I was so joyful he didn’t take Weston.
Tears pricked the back of my eyes, and everything became worth it. I balled my hand into a fist and covered my heart.Thank you, Lord, for saving Weston.
The long hall echoed with emptiness as I found my way to the dining room. My eyes instinctively looked for a window to gaze out, but there was nothing but unending walls, reminding me of a cave. Mavis had said she’d return for me, but when she didn’t show up, I figured I’d find my way. Without the chatter of other people to guide my steps, I was hesitant that I was even going in the right direction. I’d never spent time in a home this quiet.
“My dear,” Jon’s voice pulled from beside me.
I shifted my gaze into an adjacent room where Jon sat looking at me from the head of a long stone table. I slid one foot in front of the other, taking in the hollowness of the room, as it too was devoid of natural light, with a few tall candlesticks glowing in the center. The only other chair was at the opposite end of the table. It was so far away I couldn’t imagine having pleasant dinner conversations, because it seemed I’d have to shout. My pulse screamed, begging me to stop this charade. It wasn’t too late to go home. I ignored the warning.Weston was safe. That was enough. I sank into my seat. That too was stone, without so much as a thin padding.
“Did you have a nice rest?” Jon’s voice rose all the way to the cathedral ceiling, and I fought wincing at how uncomfortable this setup was.
“I did.” I found my glass of water, already poured for me, and I took a tiny sip. The silence was deafening, grating at my ears. Shouting across this table wasn’t ideal, but it was better than the stillness. I swallowed, mustering up small talk. “It’s very calm here.”
His eyes glistened back at me, as if he was recalling his fond memory. “I love peace. It helps keep my nerves down, like a sanctuary.”
More like an asylum.
A staff member padded in through the swinging back door, bringing us our food. I offered her a genuine smile, but she avoided my gaze and left as quietly as she had arrived. I blew out a soft breath, examining my plate. It looked delicious, chicken in some sort of sweet sauce, with rice. I took the tip of my fork and dabbed it into the sauce for a sample. Raspberry with a bit of heat, and it was delicious, but I didn’t cut a bite. My stomach had been much too sensitive to take large chunks of food. Jon leaned over his plate, digging in, and I felt envious of his ability to take pleasure in this meal.
Was I ever going to feel pleasure again?
My eyes dampened as my heart deflated.I had gotten what I wanted.The war was over. My father was better. He even gave up his nightly scotch in dedication to regaining his health. Weston was alive!
Everything was perfect.
But it wasn’t.
I never wanted this royal position. Yes, it was an honor, but I wasn’t someone who was into the fanfare. I would gladly give up all this too, if it meant I could just go home. I blinked back tears as Jon’s voice cut through the air. “Is something wrong with your food?”
“No, it’s lovely.” I cleared my throat, hating my heart for not going along with these lies the way my head did. It was going to have to learn to be okay. It will get better. It had to. This was only day one, and I had a whole future to think about. I blew out another even breath.
Just think positively about the future.
“Is there anything you need to be more comfortable?” His voice lowered, pacing consciously.
“No, thank you.” I bit down on my lip, screaming at myself to stop making this awkward. This was my new home.Relax.“I’m very comfortable,” I added before I tacked on, “just noticing how quiet it is here. Do you ever entertain friends?”
His lips tightened into a thin line while he shook his head. “No, not usually.”
My gaze wearily floated down, as my mind begged for the silver lining.The war is over.I breathed deeply. I was fine the whole time, but reading Weston’s letter had somehow opened up my eyes to see that life was going on outside these stone walls, and once again, I was in agony. It was too quiet here. I knew I’d be alone with Jon, but I hadn’t anticipated being this alone.It’s only day one,I breathed. Someday this house will be filled with joyous giggles of small children, and I could laugh reminiscently about how quiet itusedto be. Then I’d at least have a cute little family to fill my heart.
“Are you sure everything is okay, dear?” Jon’s voice treaded delicately, his eyes glued to me.
Lacing my hands together in my lap, I forced a positive conversation, “I was thinking about how lovely it will be when the halls are filled with kids’ voices and giggles—” My voice dropped when his expression soured. He sputtered out a deep cough. I hadn’t spent an abundance of time with him, but every time I’d ever seen him, he had apleased-to-see-yousmile on his face for me.
“Are you okay?” I was the one who was now concerned.
He balled his hand into a fist, pounding it on his chest a few times as he released more coughs. “Yes, I wasn’t expecting you to say that.”
