But I miss Lucy. Everyday it’s clearer and clearer in my heart and mind that she’s the woman I want to marry. I’m still scared I’m not ready and I’ll fumble her hard even though I’ve made insurmountable progress overcoming my fear of commitment and belief that God is out to get me. He’s not. Just because things don’t go the way I want them to doesn’t mean that He doesn’t care. He just wanted my surrender.
And just because you surrender doesn’t mean that your fears dissipate.
It just means you’ve got help from the Creator of the universe to overcome them.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Jared asks. I realize he’s handed off Abram to his mom, and Lucas has flanked the other side of me.
“Let’s go for a walk around town,” Lucas says. “I need funnel cake.”
“Need?” I laugh, and then set off with the guys.
Not long after we reach the sidewalk on Main Street, Jared speaks up. “How’s everything going, Stone? And be honest with us.”
The resistance to share pulls at my thoughts like a phantom pain, but as of lately, it’s not as strong as it used to be. “I miss her, you know?”
“Bet you do.” Lucas smirks. “So you going to get your woman back or what?”
“What if I’m still not ready? What if the moment I’m in her presence again I fall into old habits? I still havethoughtsabout her.”
Jared and Lucas crack up. Jared says through his laughter, “Dude, that is the most natural thing in the world.”
“Don’t get me started on thoughts I had about your sister before I—”
“Nope, stop it right there,” I interrupt my brother-in-law. “I get your point.”
Jared straightens up and claps my back. “Don’t let fear win anymore, Stone. I’ve seen your hard work. You’ll never be finished changing. There will always be something to refine. The thoughts won’t ever completely disappear, and it’s not about that. It’s about what you do with them.”
“I understand why you needed to step away from her in order to prioritize healing,” Lucas joins in. “She was like a drug to you. But it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. You have a stronger sense of who you are, and you have rooted yourself in Christ. There’s nothing to be afraid of anymore. You’re much stronger.”
“That’s what Stanton has been saying,” I concede. “We do Bible study together now before ourCall of Dutygame sessions.”
“And why haven’t we been invited to playCall of Duty?” Lucas asks.
I shrug. “It’s an open invitation. Most Saturday mornings at six a.m.”
“Ah, too early. That’s why,” Jared comments, and we laugh.
We arrive at the funnel cake stand and order our own cakes of sugary, powdery goodness. We take them over to the picnic tables and chow down to the sounds of children laughing, parents hollering for their kids, and the occasional passerby who pauses to chat for a bit.
Once we start to walk back to the Dasher Valley Community Center for the outdoor bonfire starting soon, I ask for their advice on exactly how to approach Lucy once more. “She’s leaving for Korsa in about a week as far as I know from when we were still talking. She’s going to be there through New Year's. I was supposed to go, and we were supposed to dance a regency-style waltz to that Duomo rendition of ‘Wildest Dreams’ by Taylor Swift.”
“Let me guess, you planned that, right?” Lucas jokes, and I punch him in the shoulder.
“I was on board with it. That dance meant holding her in my arms and seeing her wear a stunning gown. Of course I was in.”
“Here’s a wild suggestion. One I may have made to your brother-in-law here when he let Stella go back to New York City. Take a page out of Lucy’s rom-com books and go after her. Meet her there. Walk in to that song playing. Hold her and dance. Then whisk her away to have an open and honest conversation with her. It’s a palace; I’m sure there are plenty of places to talk quietly.”
I grimace. “That’s what I’m afraid of. Being alone with her.”
“Don’t be nervous about that, Stone. You may very well be tempted. It’d be weird if you weren’t, but remember that you have learned how to have better control. Trust the Lord.”
“Right.” But I still frown. “What if she shoves me away and doesn’t want to dance with me?”
Jared responds. “Wait it out. Catch her after the ball, then, and ask her for a proper conversation.”
“And if she says no?”
“Respect it and tell her that you’re ready when she is. Then come back home and do what you’ve had her doing—wait. You made a grand gesture. It’ll leave some sort of impact on her.”
