But I spin around to face her anyway.
Lucy’s strawberry curls are scooped up into a messy bun on top of her head, and she wears one of my oversized dress shirts.
And that seems to be it.
I swallow, fighting to keep my gaze from traveling down her bare legs. She smirks as if she notices the restraint I’m attempting to hold. “It’s okay,” she whispers, walking towards me in a sultry manner. “You can look.”
Not needing any more permission than that, I freely take her in, admiring the sheer beauty of the woman in front of me. Why,whycan’t I just let myself love her genuinely and without restraint? Why can’t I control my desire for her and respect her by not bonding her to me without a lifetime commitment?
I snap my gaze back up to her face as she laughs. The sound is carefree and buoyant, and I can’t remember a time where she sounded this happy.
Joyful.
She finally sounds like she’s living life instead of barely surviving.
Guilt eats at me as I try to form words. I tell her she looks amazing in my shirt, which is God’s honest truth. I ask her how she slept. I make her eggs scrambled and her coffee with sugar and cream, just as she likes it.
Because regardless of my fear of commitment, and regardless that I’m scared as a cat in water to get down on one knee for a woman again, I know Lucy.
I know her so well. And now she openly loves me.
Why did I sleep with her last night when I can’t bring myself to say those words back to her?
It’s not like I haven’t slept with women before, but none of those women confessed they loved me prior to it. None of them had been spending days upon days working alongside me during the day and then going on dates with me at night. None of them revealedfeeling like a burden to other people or like they couldn’t escape loneliness or like they were rejected in life.
But Lucy May Spence did.
I—I care about her. Deeply. And that has to be why this guilt is crushing me like a loaded barbell. For the first time in a long time, I genuinely don’t want to evenmistakenlydo wrong by a woman.
But I did. Oh, I did…
“Lucy, I’m so sorry,” I blurt. Tears push against my eyes, but I know better than to let them out.Men don’t cry.Not in south Mississippi.
“Sorry for what? You have nothing to be sorry for, Stone.” She gets up from the kitchen table where she was scrolling on her phone and stands beside me, placing one hand on my arm. “If it’s about last night, don’t apologize. I’m a big girl. I made my choice. And now I feel happier than I have in a month. I feel free. All thanks to you.” She stands on her tiptoes and kisses my cheek. “Are you well?”
I nod my head and attempt a smile, silencing all the emotions for the time being. She looks as happy as she claims to be, and I am not going to take that from her. Not today.
Today, and for today only, I’m going to play pretend one more time and treat her like the gem of a woman she is.
Then I’ll let her go so she can one day find someone worthy of her. Someone who won’t sleep with her when she says she loves him even though he can’t figure out his own emotions and thoughts. Someone with better control of himself.
I turn with two prepared plates in my hand and kiss her forehead. “Ready to eat, Little Lion?”
“I’m starved,” she says, bouncing on her toes as she navigates back to the kitchen table.
After we eat, exchanging small talk and bantering back and forth, I take Lucy home and immediately begin the long drive to Dasher Valley.
I send Lucy a text a little while after leaving her saying there is an emergency back at home, and I am going to spend the rest of the weekend there. I tell her I won’t be back until Tuesday and ask her to hold down the center for me on Monday. Finally, I send a message to Jeanie saying I will be out and Lucy will stand in for me.
Having my ducks in a row, I run away to seek solace at home like the broken and scarred twenty-five year old man that I am. This is my breaking point.Something’s gotta give.
Lucas lets out a long whistle as Jared stares at me like I’m the biggest idiot in existence.
He’s right, of course, but it still doesn't feel great to have a hulkish man like him look at you that way. I take a swig of sweet tea, looking out from the bleachers at the soccer field we are currently having a work day on. We came out here after our post-church family lunch because I told Lucas I needed to talk to him about Lucy. He sighed, shook his head, and said if I was going to make stupid choices and run to him about them then the least I could do was to help him do some field work. Football season ended about aweek ago, and now he’s getting the field prepped for soccer season to begin. Though he is the athletic director at Dasher Valley High, he wanted to maintain coaching soccer and teaching. At least until he has kids of his own, he says.
Eventually, Lucas speaks. “Why don’t you just let yourself love her, Stone? I don’t get it. You talk about her like she hung the moon and stars. You might be obsessed with her, to be honest. Why not give her the chance to open your heart back up and bring some healing into your life?”
He’s not a man of many words, so I’m shocked at his open evaluation. I finally told the two of them the full story behind Lacey so theywouldunderstand why I’m resistant, but apparently that didn’t matter. “I told you. I don’t feel worthy. She’ll see that and will toss me to the side.”
