As I scroll, feelings of imposter syndrome begin to creep in. My post about how God is good no matter what is receiving a lot of “likes” and “amens,” but why did I even post it? I’m finding I don’t quite believe it to be true these days.
If He’s so good, then why am I strangled with sexual temptation that seems to be squeezing me harder at every spiraling curve? It’s like no matter how much I beg and plead with God to take it away, He doesn’t. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. Hadley has asked me how I’m doing a couple of times over the past week since I finally confided in her and told her I had slipped up with Stone—many,manytimes—and all I can tell her is that I’m still struggling and don’t know why. I don’t know what happened other than I have a hot man in my life who knows how to please my body. But even before, with the past few boyfriends I’ve had prior to Stone who looked as if they could please me, I’ve remained clean. Why I’m struggling like this now, I have no idea. I was clean from sex for a few years…
It’s mid-September now, and it’s only getting worse and worse every time I’m with him. Last week, I confessed I was torn up over the fact we kept sleeping together. And I’ve seen a real effort out of him to not pull me into temptation. But it’s been a week since we last did it, and when he asked to come inside after dropping me offfrom a bowling night with friends, I almost said yes. I don’t know how I stopped, but I did.
I fear my resolve is unraveling, however. That’s what I told my journal tonight, at least.
If losing Stone is the only way off this winding road, then I’m not so sure I want to take the exit. What has God done for me anyways since I’ve stopped? Given me more dreams? Made my stomach ache with desire? Increased the area of this dark cloud of depression hovering over my head?
I don’t even know why I’m refraining at this point. Why do I need to wait until I’m married to have sex? What’s the big deal?
This is the big deal,something inside me whispers.You are looking to him to save you from your sadness instead of Me.
I hit the ignore button.
Dating Stone over the past few months has been the most fun I’ve ever had. When I’m with him, I forget about the haunting loneliness. Yes, my body and brain seem to be living in a constant state of depression to where I’m somehow not allowed to experience full bliss and joy no matter how much I want to, but I’m still determined to shake it off. Being with Stone helps. It takes the edge off. He makes mehappy.Even if I’m an even bigger ball of anxiety than I was a few weeks ago and still scared he’s going to for sure leave me now that I’ve asked to refrain from sex.
Why am I doing that again? What’s the point?
I don’t want to lose him.
I don’t want this to ever end.
It’s more than the obvious chemical and hormonal bonding of sex. Yes, that’s definitely had its effect. It sucks in a way because Ithink a lot of my anxiety stems from being bonded to him in that way when I don’t have a ring on my finger signaling a permanent commitment. Why do I need a ring to have sex with him anyway? In my heart, I—
The thought hits me upside the head like I once knocked Stone unconscious with a cast iron skillet.
Stone is everything I want.
He’s been open and honest with me about his past. He checks on me in his own little ways. While he doesn’t attempt to fix my overarching sadness, he does crack jokes and gives me random gifts like Ferrero Rochers, my favorite chocolate, or shows up randomly to take me out somewhere when it registers with him that I’m sad.
It’s unbelievably sweet. He’s not who I pegged him to be. His flirt game is as strong as ever, but he’s also considerate and listens to me. He helps me with my writing and listens to me drone on and on over story ideas. He never tries to tell me to stop singing in the car, to get my feet off his dash, or that I’m expecting too much by waiting in the passenger seat for him to open my door.
Because he does open it.
Every. Single. Time.
And I love that man.
I think, in my heart, I’m already married to him…
And shouldn’t that mean more than a lousy ring?
Part of me says of course while another part says there’s something more. That there’s a reason I’m supposed to wait even if I can’t see it or understand it right now.
God, if You even care. If You even exist. If I refrain from sex with him, will You allow me to keep him forever?
BEAT FIVE
SWIVEL // "STAY STAY STAY"
Apoem by Lucy May – October 8th
"PAN'S SHADOW"
lurking, creeping, stalking
like a calculated killer
