My soul is numb. My brain is tired. My body is growing fragile.
So I take out my computer and I go to a place where happily-ever-afters always come, communication is always good, and the leading females are virgins and strong in their Christian walk.
Chapter 14
Stone
The crushing weight stinging throughout my arms and into my chest feels like due punishment.
“Push it, mate!” Stanton claps his hands, creating a loud environment for me to get swept into. Using the adrenaline from the workout, from the reasoning for this late night session, and from his encouragement, I shove the barbell upwards and rack it with a loud clanging sound.
“Atta, boy. Is that a new max?” he questions while I catch my breath. He moves to stand in front of me as I straddle the workout bench I was just laying on.
“Sure is.”
He playfully punches my shoulder, but I don’t feel it because my entire body has become absent of nerves. We’ve been in the gym for over an hour, and while Stanton has worked out about half that time, I’ve been going.
And going.
Andgoing.
I dropped Lucy off at her apartment after a bowling date with Stanton and his wife earlier tonight, and well, I asked Lucy if I could come inside for a while and she turned me down.
I’m disappointed not because she turned me down but because I shouldn’t have asked.
After we returned from Dasher Valley earlier in the month, she confided in me about how she felt convicted over us having sex and wanted to try and stop. Not going to lie, it upset me, though I didn’t let her see it. The guilt is there for me, too, but I’ve shoved it down for years; it’s barely an inkling of a feeling at times. I’ve tried to be better for her since I can see she’s struggling with guilt and I don’t want to add to it, but it’s so hard when I already know what she’s capable of in bed…
The images I play over and over in my head aren’t fantasies.
So alas, I found myself wide awake and high on thoughts of her after going home, and when midnight rolled around, I couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Okay, mate. Now tell me why you dragged me away from my wife in the middle of the night.” Stanton yanks me up from the bench, and I follow him to the lockers to retrieve our belongings. No one else is in the facility, so I can freely talk.
“To be honest? I couldn’t seem to get Lucy off my mind, if you catch my drift.” He raises his eyebrows, but I continue. “Look, you’re the one who said I should stop the whole sex before marriage stuff. This is me trying, dude. Midnight gym sessions.”Trying for her more than for myself, but he doesn’t need to know that.
Stanton laughs and wipes sweat off his forehead with a rag. “That’s hunky-dory,but have you considered taking your inclinations to the Lord?”
“Of course I do,” I half-way lie. He catches it in my tone instantly and shoves me. “Okay, okay. I try. I do pray occasionally. I ask Him to help me. But it seems to be a dead end. It’s not working. The only thing that is semi-working is actively doing something to distract myself.” Occasionally meaning like once a week because every time I try it feels absolutely useless and only heightens my desire for Lucy because I start to think about the very things I’m attempting to give up for her.
He nods thoughtfully as we walk out of the gym. “As you should. That is a productive, healthy way to redirect.” He pauses for a second before continuing. “In my experience, God doesn’t remove things to make our paths easier, but He is there for us to turn to when the blockage feels too intense—too enormous—to maneuver around. You know, to show us and remind us that we need Him.”
I don’t respond as I chew on his words. We arrive at our vehicles, and Stanton waits for me to reply as I open my driver door and throw my gym bag into the passenger seat. I envision Lucy there with her feet on the dash singing to Morgan Wallen as we drove to the bowling alley earlier.
It’s then I speak words I’ve only thought in the recesses of my brain, words that I haven’t allowed myself to vocalize on the account of causing my father to roll over in his grave. “If He brought Lucy into my path as an obstacle, I’m not so sure I want to continue attempting to follow Him. Lucy has helped me healin so many ways. Yes, she’s as big of a temptation as ever. I mean, look at her. But not only that, she’s kind, intelligent, sensitive, funny, and… And she honestly cares aboutme.My past scars, my life growing up, and my dreams moving forward.” I pause, my breaths coming heavier as my voice rises. “Why would God put a woman like her, someone I could so easily break because I’m weak when it comes to sexual desire, in my path as an obstacle to overcome?”
I meet Stanton’s brown eyes. He presses his lips into a line and gives his head a small shake. “I don’t have the answers, Stone, but I’m here for you. Even if you feel like doubting God. I will stand by your side until you come out on the other end of it. Because youwillcome out on the other side. You need to evaluatewhyyou’re weak when it comes to sexual temptation.”
He says nothing else as he gets in his car and drives away, leaving me standing under a parking lot light with a million questions that have zero answers.
Lucy
Nights are the hardest.
It’s in the dark abyss of my bedroom when the feeling sinks in.
The loneliness that stalks me all day finally catches me. Even the monster that hides under the bed flees at the sight of this particular killer.
I’m alone. My only companionship comes from the rectangular digital device I hold in my hand where my online friends and community I’ve built through publishing interact with me. And while I supremely enjoy their company, they are locked away behind tempered glass, inaccessible to warm hugs and kind smiles and loud laughs.
