Charlie was stalling for time, hoping and wishing that Demi would appear, but her faith in him dwindled by the second.
“He’s usually on time,” Charlie added. It felt like she owed this woman an explanation as to why she was in this office alone when it took two people to make a baby. She didn’t want to be another one of those women who proclaimed love aloud only to suffer in silence later. She and Demi were supposed to last. Her chapter of his story was supposed to be his last, but somehow it felt like she was simply the climax to a juicy love song. She wanted to be the couple that defied logic. The one that people looked at in awe because they were walking symbols of love and devotion. She felt that when she was with Demi. They always felt like they lived in their own world and spoke a language others couldn’t quite grasp, but the distance that she felt creeping between them was telling. It was small. It wasn’t even anything noticeable yet, but Charlie could feel the inevitable weft that was growing where awe used to be. Demi had been so enamored by Charlie when they first met, and he still was. Charlie had fallen before she could blink, and she enjoyed the breathless journey into his arms. A one-nightstand had led to not being able to live without him, but this death in Demi’s life left no room for anything else. It left no room for growth, and she could feel the seed they had carefully watered beginning to dry out. She could feel the nurse’s impatience, but the woman was polite as Charlie anxiously hawked the entrance. Five minutes turned to fifteen, and when she could no longer stall the doctor out, she submitted and followed the intake specialist to the back.
She distractedly followed as she dialed Demi’s number. The instant sound of his voicemail infuriated her to the point of tears.
She was too embarrassed to leave a message. She didn’t want this nurse to hear her asking where Demi was. She didn’t want to hear herself pleading for his attention. So, she hung up, took a deep breath, and prepared to face the day alone.
“What do you mean he won’t be able to give the life tribute for my son?” Lauren asked. She sat in the office of her home church as Pastor Dean’s secretary sat across from her. “I’ve been a member here for five years.”
“Unfortunately, there is something on the church calendar, and we won’t be able to accommodate the services,” the woman said. “Revival is that week.”
“My child is dead. This is our home church. Where else are we supposed to go?” Lauren asked. She was completely flustered. She was already overwhelmed with this new reality; she didn’t need added stress.
“Easter Sunday hardly constitutes a church home, sister, and that public scandal with your husband and that young lady was anything but discreet,” the secretary said, lowering her tone.“Can put the man in a church but can’t put the church in a man, can we? Good for you for divorcing him.”
Lauren’s entire body heated as if someone could control her temperature with a knob. Embarrassment and anger took over, but she was stunned to speechlessness. This woman was bold.I know this bitch ain’t gossiping to me about my own shit.Demi was a man she had called many names, but she was never going to sit by and allow somebody else to disparage him. That shit would always set her off.
“You’re turning me away because my family isn’t good for your optics?” Lauren scoffed in disbelief.
“Of course not!” The woman answered, feigning ignorance. “I’m sorry if that was too forward. I just remember when you were going through that public trial and your whole divorce, we wanted to see you in here. We were all praying so hard for your strength, sister. Listen, if I could help, I would, but the revival has been on the books for months. We have two other churches joining us. We are sorry for your loss, but our calendar just doesn’t have the room to host your event,” the woman said.
“Event?” Lauren repeated. The woman said it like Lauren was asking to throw a Sunday brunch. “Can I just speak to Pastor Dean? I’m sure something can be worked out.”
“He isn’t available right now, ma’am. I’ll leave word for him to give you a call.”
Lauren couldn’t decipher thecontext in her current state. She couldn’t tell if this woman was exceptionally callous or if she was just rubbed raw from pain. Either way, it hurt, and Lauren felt more hopeless than she had when she had walked through these righteous doors. She could admit that she hadn’t attended service in person in quite some time, but she always tuned into the live services from her bed. She also paid her tithes faithfully, so to be denied in her time of need felt like a slight. To know that she had been thesubject of the church grapevine was even worse. This was supposed to be a safe space. It was supposed to be where she could bring her burdens. Instead, it was a cold and sterile institution masquerading under the guise of godliness. Lauren tucked her pride in her handbag and walked out. Anything further would feel like begging, and she refused to do that. She wished Demi had come with her. He would have known how to handle the situation. He wouldn’t have taken no for an answer, and he for damn sure wouldn’t have let the disrespect slide unchecked. By the time her stilettos made it across the parking lot, she was falling apart. She remembered being the type of woman other women looked up to—some would even say envied. She had once been the total package. She was a woman with a degree, a successful career, a handsome and faithful husband, a beautiful child, and a breathtaking home. She wore the best fashions, carried the most exclusive purses, and traveled to the most desirable destinations. Shelived “that life.” She wondered if the women at this church wereenjoying her downfall. Had she made them feel like she needed to be humbled? Lauren felt victory in the secretary’s stare as she denied her in her hour of need. She wondered if she had done something to make her feel small once upon a time because the way that woman had diminished Lauren felt personal. On a day when she just needed support and a hug, she had been judged. Lauren couldn’t stop herself from losing it. She hurriedly unlocked her door and sought out the privacy of her tinted windows as she cried. She called Demi, hysterical, as anxiety and stress forced sobs to flow freely from her lips. He answered on the first ring.
“What’s up, Lo?” he answered.
“We have nowhere to have the funeral. Pastor Dean said no,” Lauren cried.
“Fuck you mean he said no?” Demi asked in confusion.
“He wouldn’t even come to speak to me. He sent word through his bitch of a secretary,” Lauren said, sniffling. “I’ve never felt so small. What kind of man of God turns a grieving mother away? I just really wish you could have come with me. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I can’t process this right now, Demi.”
“We’ve been members there for years. Fuck type of time they on?” Demi’s tone was lethal. “I’m on my way, man. If that’s where you want to have the service, then that’s where it will be. Stop crying. You know what I taught you.”
“Never let them see you sweat,” Lauren whispered, as she sighed while hunting through her center console for Kleenex. “How did life get so bad for me, Demi?”
“Stop, Lo. Just hold tight. I’m turning around now. I’m on my way.”
Forty minutes later, Demi pulled into the parking space next to hers. He was such a man. He never walked into a room without influencing the energy, and today was no different. The look on his face told her he was in a mood as he approached her door. He opened the door for her, and she climbed out. His presence relieved her. She didn’t know why. She hated him. She hated him for what he did to their family, but somehow, he was the only person that she could lean on right now. How was the human heart so complex? To be able to love what hurt you and to hate what loved you was an anomaly. Life was a complicated puzzle that Lauren thought she had put together, only God had flipped the table on her. Now, all the pieces were scattered on the floor, some missing altogether, in fact. How was she supposed to put things back together?
They walked into the church side by side, and this time, she didn’t feel so alone. She wondered how people made it through stuff like this by themselves. She was almost sure time alone would break her. She was being held together by a tiny thread, and it was threatening to snap at any moment.
Lauren led him right back to Pastor Dean’s office door, and then she stopped.
“You know what, Demi? Fuck this church.”
Demi frowned in confusion and scratched his temple. “You called me all the way here only to change your mind?” he asked. “If you want to have the service here, I’ll make it happen.”
“I know you will,” she said. “But we shouldn’t have to beg for support. This ain’t no church. This is just a building full of judgmental-ass people. My baby deserves better. I want him to be laid to rest by someone who cares.”
“And you couldn’t come to this conclusion before I raced to your side, Lo? I put off something important because you said you needed me here,” Demi said in frustration.
Lauren pulled back in offense. “Because I did need you here, Demi, but if it’s that much of an inconvenience, then maybe you should leave. I’m not begging anybody for things that should come naturally. Not anymore. Not even you.”
She turned on her heels and stormed out of the church. She would need to figure out how to deal with things by herself because it felt like no one else wanted the burden of helping her through it. She couldn’t be mad at anyone for that, not even Demi. She knew she was responsible for her own emotions. She just had to figure out how to manage them. Simple things like remembering to breathe, climbing out the bed to use the bathroom, or even combing her hair felt like heavy tasks these days. Being accountable to regulate her feelings when all she felt was a daunting abyss of agony felt impossible. She would figure it out, however. She had no choice.
