“Girl, turn around. Turn your ass around,” Lauren whispered to herself. She hoped her feet would follow orders, but instead,she found herself on the front porch, pressing one hand to a queasy stomach as she contemplated ringing the doorbell.
When Nyair pulled open the door, Lauren stood there hopeless, and with nothing to offer but a shrug.
“If you ask me what I’m doing here, I won’t be able to answer because I don’t know,” she said, voice cracking as her eyes misted.
“I won’t ask,” he said. “Come here.”
He pulled her into his arms and hugged her so tightly that she couldn’t help but release the rest of her tears. It was freezing outside, and he was shirtless as the wind whipped around them, but it didn’t matter. He held her silently until she was able to look up at him.
“Can I come in?” she asked.
He stepped aside and welcomed her. He removed her coat, tossed it over the back of the couch, and then offered her a seat. “I’ll be right back.”
He walked out of the room and returned moments later fully clothed. His black joggers were now accompanied by a matching hoodie. He kept his distance. Lauren didn’t miss his hesitation to cross the room. Instead, he leaned against the wall, arms folded across his chest.
“How can I help you, Lauren?” It was in his tone. The question was genuine, not a pleasantry that he had posed mindlessly.
“I feel bad, Nyair, and I’m not talking about the type of bad that a drink can dull or that sleep can wear off. I feel like I want to die,” Lauren paused and rolled her eyes to the ceiling to try to stop gravity from pulling tears down her cheeks. “The reason I woke up in the morning... The reason I went so hard for everything is gone, and I can’t stop my heart from breaking. Every time I think about it, it’s like hearing it for the first time all over again. I’ve prayed. I’ve screamed. I’ve cursed. Nothing stops this pain.”
Nyair’s brow was low. She had his complete focus. He didn’t speak, and she was grateful because she needed to keep speaking so she wouldn’t lose her momentum.
“I know you’re a man of God. I know you have things you should refrain from doing. I know we broke so many rules by even taking it as far as we did, but I need you to come take me out of this hole. I can’t think here. It’s dark, and I’m drowning, and I need you to make it all go away.”
“I’m just a man, Lauren. I’m not God. I can’t take it away, as much as I wish I could,” he said.
“That’s all I need you to be…” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “A man. Nyair, please take this away from me. You’re the only one I can ask. The only one I want.”
Nyair crossed the room, and she stood, twisting the rings on her fingers nervously.
“I’m not clear on what you’re asking me, Lo,” Nyair said, brow dipped in confusion because she wasn’t making sense.
“Fuck me, Nyair.” It couldn’t get any blunter than that. Lauren wasn’t lust-filled. She wasn’t unfocused. She was broken. She was numb. She needed to feel something other than this sinking, and when she was with Nyair, he made her feel like she could fly. She was desperate for the distraction, desperate for love, even if it was temporary and contrived. “It doesn’t have to mean anything, Ny. I just need this. I need it with someone I can trust.”
Lauren felt like she was disappointing him. The look he bestowed on her shrunk her a bit. Like she had performed under his expectations, but she didn’t want to be on anyone’s pedestal. She wanted to do what other women did when something hurt, when life ground them under its feet and snubbed them out like a lit cigarette. She wanted to search for fulfillment in all the wrong places. If she could smoke it away, she would. If she could drink it away, she would already be under the bottle, but she knew that this loss was mightierthan all addictions combined. Sex, however, could outweigh it all. Sex with the right man, a man that made her feel like he could love her. Every touch felt like care, and she needed to be taken care of. The woman that had been strong for everyone else, now needed to be weak, but that was only allowed when you knew someone else was there to make sure you came out of the other side intact. Demi was trying to be that for her, and the part of her that still loved him wanted to choose him for this, but the part of her that mistrusted him wouldn’t dare allow it. Nyair was a man of God. He was a lifeline. He was someone she may have fallen for if her world hadn’t suddenly fallen apart. He wouldn’t mishandle her. That she knew for sure. His attention would be keen. His hands purposeful. His dick masterful. His intentions self-less.
“Lauren, do you hear yourself?” he asked. “This ain’t you.”
He took her face into his hands, and her cheeks warmed in his hold. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not selling my soul. I’m grown. I know exactly what I want and why.”
“You’re not even in your right mind, and when I’m inside you, neither am I. I forget my responsibilities, Lo. As a man. As a leader. I’m supposed to be a man of the cloth. Ask for prayer. Ask for charity. Ask me for something I can give you without losing favor, and it’s yours.”
Rejection didn’t feel like a rejection when it was delivered by an honorable man. Lauren leaned her head into his palm and closed her eyes as he pulled her into an embrace. Those strong arms hugged her so tightly that she wanted to escape there forever. The sigh she released contained anxiety that had nestled in her for days. “I don’t have anything else to live for,” she whispered.
“It will get lighter. It’s heavy, and you’ll never fully release it, but it will get easier to carry.” He massaged the back of her neck with one hand and pulled her in tighter with the other. The lightstroke to the small of her back as he held her caused her heart to thunder. “You can’t hold me like this, Ny, and then say no.” He smelled so good, and her throat felt like it was closing as she tried to swallow.
“I should let go,” he murmured in her ear as his lips grazed her shoulder.
“Okay,” she answered. Neither of them moved.
“I got to let go,” he insisted.
“Okay.”
Still, they stood there, unmoving, except for that hand. His hand moved from her lower back to her hip, and he kneaded into her flesh as she felt him rise.
“You haven’t even called me. You didn’t even check on me,” she whispered.
“I couldn’t,” he replied. “I can’t control myself with you, Lauren. I’m a disciplined man, and I have none around you.”
