“You’re not right.”
He shrugged and said, “Yeah, I am. Now, unfuck yourself. Oh, and you need to eat something since you took your meds.”
He walked off into the forest to do a perimeter check. It was his thing. We all had quirks on how we coped with the chaos in our minds and the effects of the metric fuck ton of shit we’d seen as warfighters.
Mine was doing overwatch. Sitting back in a remote spot, gaze trained on the AO, so I knew who and what was coming or going. That’s what I told myself I was doing out here. It was a lie. It was avoidance.
Darkness descended. Voices came and went from the backyard. My stomach growled, too twisted up to eat earlier. Coming face-to-face with Jackson reminded me of Mara, who reminded me of Declan. Or maybe Jackson reminded me of Declan, who reminded me of Mara? Whatever. It didn’t matter. However it went, the lies Declan told echoed in my head. The memories assaulted me, and I couldn’t get rid of them.
All that shit churning together robbed me of my appetite earlier, but Priest was right. I had to eat. But when I glanced at my watch to see what time it was, I knew what I would find in the kitchen. Or rather, who.
Declan always ate right before he racked out for the night. I didn’t know if I could go in there and not do something stupid like fuck his brains out on the table. Because he looked good. Too fucking good.
He was tan and toned, his hair sun-streaked to a light blond like it had been the last time I saw him. I beat myself up on a daily basis for how I treated him when I was in the hospital. I tried giving myself some grace. I acted out of fear, pushing him away when all I wanted was to pull him into my arms.
The months of medical leave and the subsequent medical discharge took so much from me. I lost my career, the Corps, my family, my brothers, but none of that hurt as much as knowing I’d lost Declan for good. His words before he left the hospital room haunted me still.
“You need to go. I don’t need or want you here.”
“Hayden, be reasonable. You need someone here when they release you from the hospital.”
“They’ll send me to the rehab facility if I can’t go home on my own.”
“You’d rather be in a rehab facility than let me stay with you so you can go home?”
“Absolutely.”
“I can’t fucking believe you. You can’t possibly be serious.”
“As a heart attack. I told you we’re through, and I meant it.”
“Hayden…”
“Get out.”
“Hayden. Oh! Hey, Declan!”
He didn’t even acknowledge Priest walking into the hospital room.
“If I leave, I won’t come back. I won’t let you keep hurting me.”
“Oh, shit. I’ll let you guys talk. I’ll come back later, Hayden.”
The door closed behind Priest as Declan and I stared each other down. Our gazes locked as we both fought to figure each other out. I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay, but I couldn’t trust him not to lie to me. Plus, what did I have to offer the man? I was broke in more ways than one. He was worth billions. I couldn’t even contemplate that kind of money. Was it enough for yachts and private planes? I knew it was enough for a mansion of a beach house on the California coast.
“Hayden… you promised me we’d figure out how to make this work.”
“And you told me that it would destroy us both.”
“If we didn’t figure this out! That’s what I said. If we didn’t figure it out, it would destroy us. So, let’s work it out. I fucking love you.”
“Yeah, well, I loved you too, but I draw the line at liars.”
“You’re really willing to throw away…”
“Kinky sex? A man who can’t accept he’s submissive? Yeah. I am.”
His face fell, and his chin wobbled. Tears gathered in his eyes, turning the blue-green orbs into twin pools that reminded me of the swimming pool at the beach house the last night we spent together.
