So much so, I came out here to the sniper spot I’d scouted the first day we were here. I sat on the low wall, separating this portion of the doc’s house from the forest behind the house. But I wasn’t watching the surroundings like any trained sniper would.
No.
My gaze focused on the house as if I could locate Declan by some fictional supernatural being. I didn’t need to know where he was in the house to see him. The man lived in my damn head.
He was like a cancer. An inoperable growth inside my body that I couldn’t find or excise. I wanted him gone. I wanted him to stay. I wanted to walk away from him. I wanted him never to leave me. The push and pull of need and want tore at me.
It had since he left me lying in that damn hospital bed. And then again, when I walked away from him in Vegas because I was scared and stupid. So fucking stupid.
I stood, turning my back to the house. I had to figure this shit out. I had to decide once and for all whether I wanted to be with him or leave him behind. Both options put me in a not-so-good space. On the one hand, I loved the man. I had, from the moment my eyes met his, and I didn’t think it would ever change.
On the other hand, I fucking loathed a liar. In my whole damn life, I’dneverknown a reformed liar. Once they started weaving tales and picking and choosing the shit I needed to make an informed decision, they become the one thing I want to avoid at all costs.
I growling under my breath, I shoved my hands in the long, dark hair on my head, pulling at it. The hair tie I used to keep it out of my face snapped, but I paid it no mind. I had to get my shit together. And a little bit of pain could focus me like nothing else on this planet.
A door opened and closed, footsteps fell, and I sighed. I clocked them coming toward me. I turned to see who couldn’t take a hint and leave me the fuck alone. Sighing, I resigned myself to company.
Priest walked toward me, a bottle of water clasped between the knuckles of his first two fingers. When I accepted it, I wasn’t at all surprised when his hand flipped over and he held the meds only he and Angel knew about, outside of myself and my doc at the VA.
“Figured you might need these.”
“Yeah. If ever I needed crazy meds, the last few days would definitely be it.”
“Don’t do that.”
“What?”
“Call yourself crazy. Needing mental health meds isn’t a bad thing. You went through some shit. You wouldn’t say that shit if you needed cancer drugs or insulin for diabetes.”
Was it any fucking wonder he was my best friend?
I popped the pills I needed and slid them into a pocket on the black tactical cargo pants I wore, but pulled them out and handed them back to Priest when he gave me a look. Normally, I would’ve reminded him that I’d been dealing with things fine, but the chaos Declan being here was a trigger I didn’t need to tease.
“So… Declan…”
Just the mention of his name unleashed a swarm of buzzing in my belly. Only it wasn’t as harmless as butterflies. More like bees. Calm, docile bees who could turn on me at any moment.
“Did you know?”
I didn’t think he did, but I had to ask.
“Fuck that. You know me better. I would’ve come out and said, ‘This is your fucking chance, get your head out of your damn ass.’ No, this is all Luce’s doing.”
“I don’t know if I should thank her or whip her ass.” I took a breath before I commented on what he said. “I don’t know if I can get my head out of my ass. Whenever he’s outta sight, I crave being with him. I want him to come back to me, but then when I see him, all I can think about is all the shit he hid from me. It’s a never-ending merry-go-round.”
“Law of Motion, dude. Be the force.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“Newton’s First Law of Motion. An object in motion stays in motion, or, on the flip side, an object at rest stays at rest unless an external force is applied. Ergo, be the force.”
I shook my head as I stared at him, and I lost it. Laughter overwhelmed my body until I doubled over, clutching my stomach.
“Ergo? What the fuck?”
“What? It’s a word. Look it up.”
He’d been a gunnery sergeant, so I knew he wasn’t stupid, but Newton and ergo had me rolling, until I snorted with laughter.
