Tonight, all the insecurities had returned. Olivia looked around the terrace, remembering where Marcus had stood, replaying the words he’d said to her. Each time she went back over the scene her confusion grew stronger.
I had to tell him about my inheritance and the return of Jonathan. I don’t want to hide anything. It was a surprise to have so many sudden admirers, in spite of the gossip, but I know it is only due to my fortune. They never even looked in my direction before. Maybe I was a little flattered?
Her fear was that he was trying to break off their engagement.
“Oh Marguerite, when he arrived I felt so happy, with an intense joy which is hard to describe. When he sat beside me on the settee I felt as if I had returned to my safe harbor in life. Then, within hours, he told me I could find another suitor and he could release me from the betrothal.
“I thought we would be naming a date for the wedding. Instead, I don’t know what to do or say. Why, oh why, does life have to be so complicated?
“If he doesn’t wish to marry me after all, perhaps he is hoping I find someone else, so the arrangement can be ended, quietly and discreetly. He can breathe a sigh of relief and walk away.”
Tears formed in Olivia’s eyes. Tiny drops, which felt damp on her cheek. She wiped one away realizing her whole cheek was wet. As she let them flow, she held Marguerite close and let them fall. When she heard herself sob, she stood, still holding Marguerite, and began walking backward and forward along the terrace.
What do I do? Is this the end of our engagement? Why did I ever think anyone could love me? I’m ugly.
The little dog whimpered, and the sound broke into her thoughts and back to reality.
“I have you, little friend. I’ve got Jocelyn and Marianne and my good friend Mrs. Jennings. Even Uncle Harold seems to have mellowed in the last few weeks.
“I need to remember the things I have. There is so much that I can be grateful for.”
In her mind a plan started to form. She wanted to go back to Silverton and didn’t want to live in town anymore. She needed to feel the countryside around her. She wanted that freedom to move around, without feeling as though there were people all around her.
She wanted to take off her stockings and cool her feet in a stream. She longed to look at the woods in the changing seasons.
It’s time. I’m not scared anymore. I can return to Silverton Hall. The renovations are almost complete now. As soon as Jocelyn is settled and engaged then I can leave this townhouse.
She could either live in the house or have one of the properties on the estate renovated. The Dower House is empty, and she might live there. She could walk, ride and write. She believed that over time she’d heal.
I was foolish to think I had a chance of happiness with the Earl of Hatfield. It’s time to put that behind me.I won’t end the engagement yet, but soon, very soon I’ll set Marcus free.
A cool breeze whirled around her, leaves of sweet honeysuckle and rambling roses rustling high above on the pergola frame.
She wiped away the remaining tears, and welcomed a feeling of determined resolution, that she could be strong and make a life in her own place.
A haven, a retreat to be alone. She would write and share her stories and maybe others would read her books and it might help them to be strong in facing adversity.
In my next book the heroine is not going to be perfect. She is going to be scarred; I don’t know how yet, but she will face adversity and overcome it.
Olivia placed Marguerite on the terrace and walked with her through the deserted garden. Her footsteps echoed on the pathway, and she reached out and picked a white rose, which stood out in the moonlight garden. Rosa Alba, her mother had planted it there long ago. She held it to her face and inhaled the warmth of the spicy clove scent. One by one petals fell to the pathway, but the scent remained.
She picked a second bloom and held it in her hand as she walked back to the house.
I can do this. I can be strong. I’ve loved and lost before, and this is no different.
***
There was no word from Marcus in the next few days. Lord Ludlow visited Jocelyn every day, and Olivia’s spirits lifted to see the happiness they had in each other’s company.
Lord Hastings also continued to visit, and she would always be grateful to him for continuing to visit during those dark days when they were ostracized from society. Jocelyn did not love him. She’d almost considered marrying him when Colin had left for Granville Hall, and she’d heard nothing from him.
When news of Olivia’s good fortune started to spread, and suitors returned, Jocelyn had expressed no interest. Conversation just seemed tedious. Lord Hastings continued to press for an answer to his proposal, until one day, when Jocelyn had quietly explained that she could not love him. Something about her manner had been resolute, and there was no misreading the clear message. After that Lord Hastings had not returned.
Marianne heard he had quickly transferred his affections to the Honorable Miss Jane Livingstone. They all missed the deliveries of flowers. “His gardens at his country estate must be wonderful,” laughed Marianne. “Jocelyn, are you sure you don’t want to change your mind?”
“I am sorry to disappoint you. It’s clear to me that I only want Colin. He’s hinted at a proposal but hasn’t made it formal yet.”
When Uncle Harold asked her if the earl would be joining them for supper again, Olivia avoided his questioning gaze.
