My mother put her handbag on the coffee table and sat next to me. Her tone was kind, at odds with her words. “I’m sorry, honey. I’m going to say I told you so because I did. If only you’d listened to me. I know you think you’ll be enough for these rich men, but you can’t be. No one is.” A hurt look crossed her face. She’d been devastated by my father, and I’d known that, but I finally put myself in her place. If I’d gotten pregnant and Mark or Curtis—whoever the lucky father would’ve been—had rejected meandmy child? My heart would break for myself, but it would break into fifty more pieces for my child. I might not agree with my mother’s warning methods, but maybe I was starting to understand her.
I braced for the explosion that heralded the end of the world. Hmm, nothing. What a surprise.
“Why can’t you just go for someone nice who’s at our level? There’s a young man I work with. He’s a very good nurse, and he loves to play boardgames. He’s balding, and he mightn’t have all his teeth, but I don’t think that matters. And you know, if your man isn’t good-looking, there’s less chance he’ll stray. That Curtis fellow was way too handsome for his own good… or yours.”
Oh, hell no. That escalated quickly. Her dating advice had secured her Bob, so excuse me for not wanting to follow it. Also, was that one of Bob’s chest hairs on the cushion next to my leg? I jerked my leg to the side to avoid it. “I know you mean well.” I couldn’t help it and coughed. “But I’m not ready to date. I’d like to stay single while I get my life in order.”
Staying single until I got over Curtis would mean my productive ovarian years would be well behind me, so I was aiming for something more reasonable, like a year. I also didn’t bother arguing that he was more than a pretty face. He had his own demons, and when it came down to it, they were stronger than his feelings for me. There it went again, that sinking feeling as my stomach tried to drag me through the couch to the floor.
“Oh, honey, if you wait that long, I’ll never have any biological grandchildren.” She stared at my jeans and gasped. “You didn’t go job hunting dressed like that, did you?”
The strength to argue was as nonexistent as my pride right now. I pulled a horrified face and lied. Seemed I was getting good at that lately. “Of course not! I wore my skirt.” Life was bad when lying made your life easier.
“Just as well. I was beginning to think you’d learned nothing through this whole fiasco.” She looked at the ceiling and shook her head.
Ah, the torture I put her through. Poor woman.
It was time to wrap this conversation up before her pep talk left me more depressed than before we started. I stood and looked around. There was nowhere to leave to, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. “Anyway, I’m going to view a couple of rentals tomorrow.” I had enough saved up for about three months of living by myself. And if both those jobs came through, I’d be able to see that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. The long-term goal was to have my own successful business. All my focus and energy would go into that.
A man would never have the power to take my financial independence again. It was my new line in the sand. A hard line. One that I would never cross.
“You know you can stay on the couch as long as possible. There’s no pressure from my end. But don’t let Bob know I saidthat. He feels guilty for walking around without his shirt on, but it’s his home, too, you know. He should feel comfortable here.”
Not guilty enough to actually put the damn shirt on. Also, it used to be my home, yet no one gave a crap that I didn’t feel comfortable here. Why did my mother have to be so damned disappointing?
I breathed it in and breathed it out.
She didn’t do it on purpose. She had her own issues—being partnered with Bob was a result. I should feel sorry for her. As for finding someone as equally as undesirable as Bob, I’d rather be single. Which would be okay. It really would. Coming “home” again had opened my eyes. My mother had settled after having her heart broken. I didn’t have to. I was going to rebuild my life and never settle. If that meant staying on my lonesome forever, so be it. My happiness was on my shoulders, no one else’s.
So, whatdidI want in life?
To be loved.
To support myself by doing the job I loved.
To one day look back on my life and know that I lived it the way I wanted to. The way I deserved, not the way other peoplethoughtI deserved.
Curtis might have broken my heart because he wasn’t strong enough to slide out from under his father’s influence. Would he ever find happiness? I had no idea, but I didn’t want to repeat his mistakes either.
My mother’s beliefs didn’t define me. I had to believe that Curtis did care about me because we were right together. It was just a shame he couldn’t be the man I needed, just like my mother couldn’t be the parent I needed.
My expectations of other people were gone.
It was time to have expectations of myself.
With that in mind, I grabbed my laptop. It had taken most of my twenties, but I was finally growing up. As twisted as it was, Ihad Curtis to thank. If he hadn’t destroyed my heart, I wouldn’t be here now, waking up to the truth.
It was time to move on. I could get past my heartbreak, be my own superhero.
Pretending I didn’t feel like crying at never seeing Curtis again, I donned my metaphorical superhero costume. Donut Girl could leap breakups in a single bound! She could stop the romantic bullets men shot her way. And her X-ray vision could see into men’s hearts and pick the bad ones, sending them on their way.
Now I just had to live it.
Two nights later, after eating a dinner I cooked—I was paranoid about pulling my weight—Mom, Brandy, and her father sat on one couch together while I settled into the ratty, green armchair that had been here for as long as I could remember. The TV was on, and we were five minutes into the news when an ad break aired.
I shouldn’t be nervous about my good news, but Mom would no doubt be unimpressed. “I heard back from Megan today. I got the job at Spicer’s. I start tomorrow.”
My mother’s eyes widened. “That’s good. I was beginning to think you’d be mooching here forever.” Bob grunted. I had to assume he agreed.
