I watched Maddie walk to the door and turn back before responding. "The only time in my life I felt sexy was when Burke and I were together. He had a way about him that made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. Now I fear we've lost that to such a degree we can't ever get it back. I don't think I can separate sex from my emotions just to have a quickie, even if I’m married to him."
Again, Maddie stopped in front of me. "You love him, don't you?"
"Yes, even after everything." I willed away the tears that pricked at my eyes.
Maddie sank into a squat and rested her hand on my knee. "Oh, honey."
"Don't feel sorry for me. I chose to move here."
"For Finn?"
Shaking my head, I said, "For Burke. He deserves to have his son in his life. And yes, for Finn, because he deserves to know his father."
"And what about you?"
"I've never thought about myself. I've always put others first."
Straightening, Maddie looked down at me. "Like I said before, find what makes you happy and do it. If decorating this house makes you happy, do it. But then there's got to be something after that. Finn needs to see you happy and fulfilled in life and needs you to set a good example. Plus, I want you to be happy. You're my friend."
"Thanks, Maddie." Maybe I could go to college. The only thing stopping me before was money, and Burke had plenty of it. It was mine, too, even though the idea of spending it made me feel awkward.
"I also think if you see yourself as his equal, Burke will see you that way, too. I know Anna made a big deal about how the wives are meant to be in the background, not seen or heard, but you don't have to do that. You can show him you're strong and smart and that you can help him run his shit."
There were times when Maddie intimidated the hell out of me, and this was one of those times. She wanted me to get involved in the mafia? "I don't know the first thing about what he does, except that it's dangerous."
"Take shooting lessons. Wear a power suit. Whatever it takes to make you feel confident and kick ass."
"I think a lobotomy is the only way to make that happen."
After clapping her hands together and making me jump, Maddie pulled me to my feet. "Listen, you have to stop talking down about yourself. You're better than that."
"O-okay."
"Not because I'm telling you to and you want to make everyone happy, either. I'm serious. Work on it for your mental health."
"Um, sure. Okay." I was happy to hear Finn rustling around through the baby monitor.
"Oh, let me get him!" Maddie begged.
"Sure. He loves his Aunt Maddie."
I sank back onto the bed when she left the room. Though I admired her greatly and knew there was truth in what she said, I didn't know how to go about gaining confidence. How was I expected to wow Burke and seduce him? How could I even consider asking him to let me help run his business? The idea made my heart beat painfully in my throat. Over the sounds of Maddie talking to Finn, I rubbed my temple and tried to envision wearing something enticing and waltzing into the dining room demanding Burke pay attention to me.
When I moved in, Burke offered to let me sleep in his room with him. In his bed. Together. I figured he expected us to pick up where we left off, but I'd been too angry with him to even consider it. Thinking back on it with some perspective, I realized he'd offered me a spot beside him all along. The hurt I felt from his insistence that I drop my plans and move in with him because of some manly ownership over our baby clouded the rest of my thoughts. We'd also fought a lot in the past few months, and I knew it wasn't all Burke's fault. The recent harmony might last if we both worked on it.
Finn was about two weeks old, which meant I had another month before my doctor would clear me to engage in sexual activity. Before my conversation with Maddie, I assumed it would be a meaningless appointment other than to say I was ready to go back to yearly exams. There was no need to discuss birth control or to think I would have a willing husband ready to get into bed with me. But what if he was desperate for sex and swept me off my feet the way he did the first time? If that was all he wanted with no affection behind it, could I allow myself that pleasure without making myself miserable in the end?
It didn't seem likely. I wasn't in the right frame of mind for anything that drastic yet, anyway. The first thing I would do was research online colleges. There were plenty of choices, and it was something I would be proud of doing. Then, I would take it a step at a time.
Maddie came into the room carrying Finn up against her shoulder. "I think he's hungry. I changed him."
I looked at the clock on my phone. "Yes, it's time. Thanks for your help."
I moved into a chair covered in plastic sheeting and settled Finn at my breast. Maddie watched me for a minute before moving on to the work we'd been doing. "I just had a thought."
"Oh?" I smiled at Finn, hoping he'd smile back.
"Your boobs are always out these days."
