I had discovered I could make her happy in ways I previously didn't know I was capable of, in ways she'd taught me. The idiot I’d been months before no longer existed, all because of my wife and her gentle ways. God knew I didn't have a proper upbringing; I'd had no true role model growing up. Now that I had to stop and think of someone else's feelings before acting, I was slowly learning what it meant to be a partner in life.
Staring at my pale reflection in the dawn's light, I tried to convince myself there was an alternative ending to our story. In my state of vulnerability, I was so tempted to spill my guts, to tell her everything. How I'd lived a half-life until she pushed our son into the world and I saw my redemption in our baby's eyes. Kinsley had given me a family against all odds, even when I didn't deserve it and couldn't have known how to ask. She had improved my existence in so many ways, but she was on the cusp of realizing what a shitshow our life was and running like the wind.
I'd hold the door open for her.
Only, when she ran from me in my dreams, I couldn't stand to see her go. I begged her to stop running; pleaded with her to come back. Nothing worked until my heart stopped beating and I awoke in a cold sweat. It was a catch-22; on one hand, I knew she should leave for her own safety, but on the other hand, I couldn't live without her.
The worst part of the nightmare wasn't the running or the repeated calling of Kinsley's name. It was the incessant words echoing through my head while I chased her; the ones telling me everything I longed for was right in front of me. Beating my fists against my temples, I tried to shake the queasiness from my brain. How could my hopes and dreams be in front of me and also bolt as fast as her legs would carry her in the opposite direction?
And if Kinsley left, Finn went with her. No, I simply couldn't bear it. I knew it was coming, knew her departure was the awful feeling in my gut I'd stressed over for more than a full week now. It wasn't a premonition of the shooting, but of my wife taking everything I held dear and crushing it in front of my eyes.
When I finally returned to the bed, I scooted as close to Kinsley as I could.
And I clung to her for dear life.
The following morning, I took Caden aside and asked to speak with him. "How did you convince yourself marrying Maddie is the right choice?"
Caden frowned. "What kind of question is that? I love her."
Running my hand through my hair, I took a deep breath before blowing it back out. "But she could decide to leave you at any minute when shit gets tough."
"What are you getting at?" Touching his hand to my arm, Caden lowered his voice. "Are you and Kinsley having problems?"
"No." With a rough shake of my head, I tried again. "But if we encounter something like what went down with the Whites and Casper again, what's keeping either woman from deciding this life isn't worth it?"
"Okay, I'll say this again. It's love, Burke. That's why we get married, why we stay married, and why we don't cheat. That's why we put in the effort, and it's what makes any life worthwhile."
I wanted to take Caden's words at face value and wrap them around me for comfort. Unfortunately, my brain wouldn't allow me the luxury. Kinsley stuck around for Finn's sake, and I tried to keep her satisfied. It wasn't like in the beginning when she had nothing to do with her time. She'd found herself with Maddie's help, and she was content. Kinsley had built a life for herself out of the nothing I'd offered her and found a way to be fulfilled.
None of that equaled love.
"I hear you, but I just don't know if it's enough. How do I know if what Kinsley and I have is enough to keep her from running for the hills the next time something goes wrong?"
Caden shook his head. "Don't discount Kinsley, man. She's come a long way, and I've never seen a woman fit so seamlessly into an organization the way she has."
In an effort to be by my side, was what she'd said. "Is that the answer?"
"To eternal happiness? No, you have to work at it. Just because she's good in the office doesn't mean you can slack in personal areas."
"No, I wouldn't do that to either of us." Unsure if I'd found the answers I was looking for, I blew out another breath. "Thanks."
"No problem, Burke. And, for what it's worth, I think you've come a long way, too. A year ago, you wouldn't have considered coming to me for advice on personal issues."
"Huh. That's true."
And yet, I didn't think I'd accomplished anything. There was still the nagging feeling that Kinsley would leave at any second, exacerbated by the foreboding dreams.
At Kinsley's suggestion, we were looking into making an alliance with the Carmichael Family. The Navarros had finally answered our inquiry, asking for a meeting at my discretion. Logan made it clear he had an uneasy feeling about it, and nobody disagreed with him after what happened with Carlos White. The debate we were having was where we could meet that would keep Asher Navarro from setting up an attack.
"Blaine, who is his consigliere and older brother, has agreed to our terms," Logan said once we were all settled in my office. "We can pick the location and time, and they'll meet us."
"We can't give them a head start." I scratched a hand over my scruffy jaw. "If they have even half a day, they'll be out there building sniper's nests."
"I would say you're being cynical, but we have proof that's exactly what they would do." Kinsley glanced at the printout in front of her, showing Asher and Blaine standing side by side. "Since that's what they're notorious for doing to their adversaries."
"Then it needs to be more secluded, and we need to get our men out there first so there's zero possibility of a setup," Caden said.
"I agree," I said. "Find a spot, Logan, and have Rat scope it out. We can bug it and rig up cameras if necessary to double check that no one has used it for their own kill zone."
