My roommate adjusted her posture, visibly disturbed. “One in the same?” She laughed. “You’re nothing without him, Indi.Just an empty, broken half. ” She smiled. “And like I said, I’ve moved on with my life. You should really try to do the same.” She looked around my room before her eyes returned to me. “And I don’t think being roommates is a good fit anymore. You being here just reminds me of him. And that reminder—that energy—isn’t good for my peace.” She looked back down at her phone. “If you want to dwell in your fucked up past, be my guest. You just need to do it in your own place, not mine. I don’t have the patience to watch you destroy your life anymore. Especially for him.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder and refused to even look at me, as if acknowledging me was so demeaning to her. “Do what’s best for us both and try to be out by Thanksgiving. I have people coming over, and the last thing I need is to be associated with a murderer’s sister.”
A murderer’s sister. Is that all I am anymore?
Mary-Jane skipped off without a care in the world, leaving me there to sit with her harsh, toxic words. I felt my heartbeat racing in my ears as my body burned with absolute rage. I wanted to storm off, to tear the entire apartment apart and rip Mary-Jane’s world into tiny little pieces. I hated her. I fucking hated her! And for the first time, I realized just how much of a mistake it was to save her from Haze.
I slammed the bedroom door shut and looked back at Kush. The cat was sprawled across my bed, high as a kite. He purred as I walked over and petted him. “I should’ve just let him kill her, shouldn’t I?” He made cute little noises as he rubbed against my hand. “God, I’ve really fucked everything up.”
I looked around the room. Boxes of Haze’s belongings were lined up and scattered around. His clothes and things were shoved into the tiny closet, and I stood there, really understanding just how much of a mess my life had become. I was stuck in this frozen aftermath, unable to live without him. I couldn’t move on…but I couldn't go back. And my entire identityhad been reduced to being a murderer’s sister. I wasn’t me anymore. Indi no longer existed, just Haze’s sister. It made me question everything, feeling every negative emotion.
I don’t even know who I am anymore. Or why I’m here. Fuck, why am I here?
I looked around the room again.
“I need to get out of here.”
The music rippledthrough the club and drowned out any other noises. I could feel the rhythm as it vibrated from the floor and through my bones. That pulsating beat guided me in a trance-like state and I got swept away. I danced and moved, completely lost in the music. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like my old self; the Indi who partied her feelings away.
The DJ of The Red Eye crossfaded the tracks, blending two songs together.
Yes! This is exactly what I needed.
After arguing with Mary-Jane and questioning my entire existence, I decided the best thing to do was party. I was high as fuck, and planned to just drink myself into oblivion, until I felt nothing but blurred, ignorant bliss. Just like I used to.
It’s been too long since I was here last.
The last time I stepped inside The Red Eye was on Halloween. Haze had found me on the dance floor, and fucked me in front of everyone. It was such a pleasant memory, but as I recalled it, I felt something else. Sadness.
“No,” I breathed. “I don’t want to feel that.” I tried to brush the negative clouds away, but no amount of dancing worked. “No!” I stopped and rushed to the bar.
I need to stop thinking…to stop feeling!
I pushed my way to the bar and ordered. “Two shots of absinthe and a glass of whiskey straight!”
The bartender nodded. “Damn, strong choices. Is there anything else I can get you?”
I shook my head. “Not unless you know a way to make me forget shit!” We both laughed, and he began to pour my drinks. I spun around and watched the club lights strobe and flash. Neon colors of green, pink, and red moved throughout the dark club space. People danced and partied with no care in the world. And I realized just how much I had missed this place.
“Here you go!”
I turned back around to the bartender and took my drinks. “Thanks!”
I raised the first shot and drank it fast, feeling the sharp burn of the absinthe as it slithered down my throat. The bartender watched me, amused at my enthusiasm as I took the second shot without a thought. I slammed the shot glass upside down onto the bar, then raised my drink as if making a toast. “To being a fucking mess! Bottoms up!” He shook his head and laughed as I chugged the drink, already shit-faced drunk from the two previous rounds I had ordered beforehand. “Woah! Taste like fucking turpentine!” The bartender laughed. As I tried to forget the taste, I noticed the beat change again. The music shifted to a song I knew. “Oh fuck! I love this song!” I clapped my hands and made my way from the bar and through the dancing crowd, back onto the dance floor.
The DJ played the song as the club lights shifted to a vibrant pink, creating the perfect vibe. I shook my ass and danced to the beat, completely trashed and without a care in the world. Themusic possessed me, and before I knew it, I had completely lost track of time. And control of myself.
I flipped my hair over my shoulder, dancing until I found myself shaking my ass against an unknown man. He welcomed my presence, and without any thought, I was grinding against his pelvis. The man danced in unison with me, staring at my body with a big smile. Everything was turning blurry and foggy from the weed and drinks. I wasn’t just high and wasted, I was an emotional wreck. I felt numb and lost. I couldn’t ground myself, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to completely forget everything and just lose myself in the music. I just wanted to exist. No secrets, no stress, and no fucking Haze.
I just want to live.
The man gripped my hips and yanked me closer as he moved my body with the music. I closed my eyes and surrendered myself to the moment, unintentionally leaning back into him. His cheap cologne nearly choked me out and his five o’clock shadow scratched my cheek. It wasn’t the comfort I was looking for, but I was too fucked up to fight it. Too lost to find my way.
A swelling feeling of anxiety filled my chest, and I felt as if my lungs were being compressed. I needed to breathe—to gasp for air.
“I can’t breathe,” I whispered. Sweat and glitter smothered my skin and streamed down my body from the packed dance floor. I was burning from how hot the club was and struggling to breathe. My only grace was the thin, multicolored chainmail dress I was wearing. It was draped loosely over my body, barely covering my breasts, and slit high, leaving little to nothing to the imagination and everything to my confidence. “I need air,” I whispered again.
The man leaned in closer, either unaware of what I said or uncaring. He moved close enough for his breath to hit my ear. “What’s your name, sweetheart?” I felt the light material shiftas the man lifted his hands and tried to reach under the short hem. Part of me wanted to push him away, but I felt weak, breathless, and so fucking broken. I didn’t stop him. I couldn’t. But suddenly, I didn’t want to.
The man squeezed his fingers into my bare skin, making me gasp. “We both know you don’t give a fuck about my name,” I breathed. “Make me forget the world, or I’ll find someone else to do the job.”
