Jacob’s voice became serious. “I owe it to you, Kate. You showed me the truth, even though I didn’t want to see it. And I needed to thank you for that. Even with everythin’, I’m thankful to you for pointin’ me to God.”
He held her there under the dome of the fading prairie sky flaring with the colors of the sunset, for one more wonderful moment, then he cleared his throat and broke away, the cool spring air filling the space where he had been.
Jacob replaced his hat, continuing to speak but staring out over the hills, avoiding her gaze. “Anyway, I just wanted to tell you. I knew you’d like to know, even if”—his jaw clenched—“I’d better go. I don’t want anyone thinkin’ ill of you, talkin’ with a strange man out in the middleof nowhere.” He collected the lines of his animals, his every movement seemingly weighted with a thousand millstones.
Kate’s joy faded. He dropped such momentous news and now he was just going to leave? What was wrong? All she wanted was to walk with him through the prairie grasses as they once had and talk about everything, about his story, his heart, about all that had happened to bring him here. But he was leaving.
Her voice was small, filled with brittle hope. “Won’t you stay?”
“No,” he said forcefully, and Kate took an involuntary step back. “No,” he said again, softer this time. “I—it wouldn’t be right. ’Sides, I don’t think Andrew would appreciate havin’ me around.”
“Andrew?” Kate asked.
It dawned on her. In the tumult of his unexpected appearance, in the whirlwind of emotions of everything he had shared, she had failed to realize one monumental truth.
He didn’t know she wasn’t married.
Kate bit her lip, suddenly nervous. “Jacob,” she said hesitantly, “Andrew’s gone.”
He looked at her sharply. “Gone?”
She nodded.
“Gone where?”
“Fort Laramie, last I heard. Might be on his way to California by now for all I know.”
Jacob just stared at her. His blue eyes were wide and intense, and something that looked like hope came alive in their depths, like the first grays of dawn lighting the horizon. For some reason his gaze flickered to her hat. Orhishat, she realized. She had begun wearing it this winter—she didn’t know why, perhaps to keep some small part of her dream alive, some part of him close to her even if she never saw him again—and that hat had become as much a part of her as the braid that spilled over her shoulder.
Kate’s breath quickened. How could she explain? “You see, I—I made a mistake. I thought that marriage was only about duty and obligation. I thought I had to lose myself in order to become a good wife, to be what everyone else wanted me to be.” She faltered and looked down. She couldn’t meet his eyes. She was exposing her very soul to him, laying bare all her mistakes and faults. But she needed to explain, needed him to understand. “I thought that was what the Lord was askin’ of me. But I was drownin’ under the weight of it. And I knew that if I went through with it, I would lose myself for good. So I called it off.” Regret flooded her again. If only things had been different! Her voice was tight. “I hurt a lot of people. My family. Andrew. And you.”
Kate chanced a look at Jacob’s face. Shock rested on his strong features. And something more. The tender hope that she had seen kindle in his eyes now broke like a glorious sunrise, pouring out its golden warmth, washing over Kate until she could nearly feel the heat of it on her skin. And for the first time in a very long time, Kate allowed that very same hope to kindle inside of her, allowed that beautiful, dreamy what-if to materialize into the hazy, tantalizing vision that had slept dormant in her heart for so long.
It was intoxicating.
And terrifying.
What if she made the same mistakes? What if her daydreaming, romantic heart once again stole away her mind and led her down the garden path into hurt and pain and regret? What if she made the wrong choice for the wrong reasons and hurt those around her yet again, and broke her own heart in the process? Kate’s throat constricted, anxiety making it hard to breathe. Her voice was raw. “I’m sorry.”
Jacob lifted a hand as if to reach out to her, then dropped it to his side, balling it into a fist. “You have nothin’ to be sorry for,” he said in a low voice. “As long as you feel you made the right decision, I’m happy for you.”
Kate’s heart thudded. “I believe I did. No matter what happens next.”
“Good,” he said simply. He paused, studying her face. His eyes were expectant, full of questions, like he stood ready on the cusp of some cliff edge waiting for someone to tell him he could fly. Kate stood motionless, unable to speak past the swirling in her mind. Her heart ached.Lord, must I lose him again?But she didn’t dare say anything she would regret—not again. What could she do?
Jacob’s strong shoulders slumped. He turned and walked away, his horse and mule following placidly in his wake.
And in that moment, staring at his broad back as he walked away from her, a realization hit Kate like a hammer stroke.
She still loved him.
Truly. Desperately. Completely. Even after everything. But the intensity of her feelings frightened her. Her heart had betrayed her before. She couldn’t bear to go through that again. And the thought of causing Jacob more pain nearly stole the air from her lungs.
She needed to be sure, beyond any shimmer of doubt. Kate’s mind whirled, searching for clarity amidst the tidal wave of emotions crashing through her. She loved him. She yearned to be close to him. She longed for him to wrap his strong arms around her and kiss her. Was it only passion? Was there more to it than that?
Kate thought about all the time they had spent together crossing the wilderness. What was it about Jacob that made her heart turn somersaults in her chest? Her mind raced. He had protected her when she was vulnerable. He wasn’t intimidated by her strength or put off by her unconventional ways. He made her laugh. He brought out a side of Kate that was reserved for those she cherished most. She thought of all those special moments they had shared, the memories sparkling like jewels in her mind’s eye. The moccasins he had given her as a farewell. The way he had held her when Danny died. Her chin puckered. Their quiet conversation beneath Chimney Rock. The ease of their friendshipwas a golden thread woven through all the trials she had faced. And now that he followed the Lord, what was holding her back?
Nothing. There was no barrier between them except her fear of making a mistake again.Lord, help me! I don’t know what to do! I love him, but I don’t want to start down a path unless it’s the one you want for me. Help me see. What is your will?
