She nodded. “Yes. It’ll be so good to have a friend out here. And Maria needs to settle down somewhere after all she’s been through, and in her condition.”
“And how’s your ma doin’?” he asked.
Kate looked out over the hills. “She hasn’t said a word since the funeral. She barely eats. Just sits there, starin’.”
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“He was almost home,” she said, voice cracking. “He loved it out here. All he wanted was to ride the range. I keep lookin’ for him to tell him somethin’. But then he’s not there.” The tears she valiantly tried to hold back spilled over, leaving glistening tracks down her cheeks.
“I’m so sorry,” he said again, desperately wishing there was something more he could say.
She smiled tremulously. “He’s in a better place now. In the mighty hands of God.”
Her simple statement made him suddenly and irrationally angry. He struggled against the waves of emotion, his chest constricting, even as Danny’s last words echoed through his mind.Our world is broken, Jake, and terrible things happen to good people. But the beautiful thing is that the Lord walks with us through those terrible things. And He made a way for us to get to a place where the pain of it will never touch us again.Jacob clenched his jaw, burning questions warring inside his mind. “How could God let this happen?” he said through clenched teeth.
She looked at him sadly. “I don’t know why God let it happen. But I do know that He promises to hold us through our pain.” Her soft words tore at his angry heart, echoing Danny so closely. He looked away, wrestling to keep his frustration in check. The last thing she needed right now was to deal with his raging questions. But she continued, laying a gentle hand on his arm. Her touch seared into his heart, burning away some of his rage. “The only way I get through the days is to cling to the Lord. His love never fails, even when the pain tries to pull me under. Maybe one day you’ll come to understand that.”
“Maybe,” he responded with a sigh, the leviathan of his anger loosening its grip under her soft words. He marveled at the calm serenity that emanated from her. She was like a lighthouse: even amidst the bleak, rocky ground of her own grief, she was a beacon of hope to his storm-tossed heart. It made him love her even more.
And did he ever love her. He knew that now. This strong, smart, beautiful girl had stolen his heart with her quiet presence and ready smile, and he loved her with every fiber of his being. He wanted to care for her, protect her, make a life with her, to love her fiercely and passionately for the rest of his life. And he longed to tell her. But how could he? In her grief, would he declare his love and then abandon her, adding to her sorrow? It would be cruel. And what if she didn’t love him back? Jacob swallowed. But could he live with himself if he said nothing, just said goodbye and never saw her again, never knowing if she loved him too?
He looked at Kate. She stood there, beautiful and strong, and the sight of her tear-streaked face stilled his swirling thoughts. If he truly loved her, he wouldn’t add to her sorrow. He’d say goodbye, but it wouldn’t be the end. He’d be back. He would see the train through to Oregon, collect his pay, and turn right around and find her again when her pain had faded a little. Then he could love her without reservations. Jacob fumbled with the package under his arm. At least it’d be a decent goodbye. He proffered the bulky, paper-wrapped gift. “Here, I got these for you. Just somethin’ to say goodbye.”
Kate looked up at him in surprise and took the parcel, hesitantly untying the strings. “You shouldn’t have.”
He shrugged his wide shoulders. “I saw you admirin’ them back at Fort Kearney, and then I found an Indian woman willing to trade at Fort Laramie, and, well, the winters here get mighty cold …” He trailed off, eagerly watching her face.
“Oh Jacob, they’re beautiful!” she breathed as she held up a pair of knee-high moccasins. She touched the gray rabbit fur reverently, the turquoise beadwork glittering in the sun.
“I asked Danny your shoe size, but he didn’t know, so I had to guess. Hope they fit.”
Her chin puckered but she let out a soft laugh. “He never did have an eye for details.” She looked up at him, her brown eyes shimmering. “They’re perfect, Jacob. Thank you.”
He cleared his throat. “Just somethin’ to remember me by.”
“I could never forget you,” she whispered softly.
His heart swelled. Could it be? Could she love him too? He choked on the words he really wanted to say, unable to speak at all.
“So I guess this is goodbye then,” she said quietly.
“Yes.”But not forever.
“Maybe we’ll see each other again someday?”
“I sure hope so.”I’ll be back.
She looked at him seriously. “May the Lord bless you and keep you, Jacob Munroe. And may you find His peace.” And with those words, she planted a featherlight kiss on his cheek. “Goodbye.”
“Goodbye, Kate.”I love you.
And with a sad smile that nearly broke his heart, she turned and walked away.
Kate stared unseeing over the bobbing heads of their mules. They had left the main body of the train behind, taking the Lander Cutoff and embarking on the final stage of their arduous journey toward their new home. And all Kate wanted was to turn around, to go back, back in time to when this whole adventure had been just that—something shiny and exciting and wonderfully tantalizing, not just months filled with toil and loss and a grief so deep it scoured her to the bone and left her a lifeless husk.
Kate tried not to think about Jacob, about how much she missed him already, how his strong arms had held her so tenderly in her grief, giving her strength. She longed for him to come galloping after her, saying he couldn't live without her and kissing her so thoroughly she’d forget everything else. She had lost her beloved brother and now her dearest friend in the space of a week. Her heart was utterly shattered. Tears fell unchecked down her face.Lord, how can I live without them?
She couldn’t grieve them both. It was too much to bear. So she decided to forget Jacob Munroe. She would forget how he made her smile and how safe she felt in his presence, how he stirred her blood with his kiss.
