“No.” He took a long wheezing breath. “I’m goin’, Jacob. I’m goin’ home to be with the Lord.”
Jacob clenched his jaw and shook his head. “No more of that talk, you hear? You’re gonna be okay. We’re almost out of the mountains. Not far now and we’ll get you some help. Just hang on.”
“Listen to me, Jacob.” He coughed, blood staining his lips red. “You’ve been like a son to me.” Jacob bowed his head over Obadiah’s hand, waves of grief crashing over his heart.Not again!The old trapper took another long, rasping breath and continued. “I’m leavin’ you. But Jesus will never leave you. Jacob. Listen. No matter how terrible life gets, He’s right there beside you. Never forget.”
Jacob let out a strangled gasp as tears broke the dam and spilled down his face to lose themselves in his unkempt beard.Never forget. His mother’s voice, Obadiah’s voice, reverberating in his mind, saying the same words again and again.Never forget. “I don’t want to lose you too,” he whispered hoarsely.
Obadiah smiled faintly. “I got a feelin’ I’ll see you again.”
“You’re all I have left!”
The old trapper lifted his head, his eyes brightening with an otherworldly intensity. Jacob couldn’t look away. Obadiah’s breath quickened and his voice cleared. “Maybe, when you come to the end of yourself,you’ll realize that havin’ nothin’ is better than havin’ everythin’, if it means you turn to the Lord.” With his free hand he reached out and clasped the back of Jacob’s neck. “He’s callin’ out to you, Jacob. He wants to cover you in His grace, to take up residence in that hole inside you that you’ve been tryin’ so hard to fill all your life. A woman’s love ain’t gonna cut it. Strivin’ to carry the weight of the world on your own shoulders ain’t gonna cut it neither. Only Jesus’s love will give you the peace you crave. He’s waitin’, Jacob. All you have to do is ask.”
The tears fell unchecked down Jacob’s face. Peace. He wanted it so badly. He wanted to calm the constant turmoil inside. Kate had been that for him. She had brought that peace into his life like a breath of fresh mountain air. Obadiah had brought it too, a balm to his angry heart. But take them away, and he was still a mess inside, still empty. Was God the reason they had that peace? He remembered the way Kate had looked when they had said goodbye on the trail just days after Danny’s death. Full of grief, yet full of hope too. Was faith the answer?
Jacob took a shuddering breath. “I don’t know how.”
“Just ask,” Obadiah whispered. He closed his eyes and eased back onto his pallet, his hand slipping from Jacob’s neck and falling softly to his chest. A radiant smile spread across his dear face. “I’m home,” he said softly. And with one final breath, he was gone.
Jacob bent his head and wept.
Why? Why did he have to lose everyone and everything he’d ever cared about? The grief flooded him, overwhelming him until he could barely breathe. He wept for every loved one he had lost, for every hurt he’d endured. He had nothing left. No one to live for. No one to care about him. No one to hold him when he was breaking apart. His entire life, Jacob had held himself together with the strength of his iron will, carrying his burdens and carrying others’, his entire being straining under the weight of it, not allowing himself a moment of ease, fearing he would crumble ifhe let up for a moment.
Until now.
He was utterly shattered. Completely alone. He couldn’t carry it anymore. It was too much for him to hold. The grief was too heavy. Voices filled his mind, flashes from the past, vivid memories imprinting like smoking brands on his mind. Obadiah’s voice echoed:Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.Danny’s face appeared, innocent and somber all at once. Jacob was hit with a fresh wave of sorrow.Our world is broken, Jake, and terrible things happen to good people. But the beautiful thing is that the Lord walks with us through those terrible things.
Then Kate came to him, beautiful and serene, like an angel with chestnut hair and amber eyes, her soft words hitting him with the intensity of a bullet and the tenderness of a kiss.Trust in somethin' bigger than yourself. You can’t carry the weight of this world on your shoulders. Someday it’ll break you. You need to give that burden over to the Lord, to the One who bore all our burdens. He can carry it, Jacob. He can carry you.The storm of his grief swelled over his heart in one final tempest, scouring him to the bone, leaving him raw and bleeding. He was at the end of his rope.
So he let go.
He let go of his grief. He let go of his anger. He let go of the grip on his broken soul that had held himself together through all the trials he had endured.
And in the eye of that storm, with a broken, whispered prayer, he surrendered.
“Jesus, I need you.”
The storm inside him stilled. And in its wake, Jacob felt, for the first time in his life, complete peace. He was wrapped in the tight embrace of arms strong enough to carry the world and tender enough to hold his shattered heart. Trust. This is what it felt like to trust. He wept again, this time in joyful relief. Despite everything, the world was made right again.Despite the hurt and the pain, he had peace. And like spring bursting in riotous life from the echoes of autumn’s demise, his heart came alive from the ashes of his despair.
In Jesus, he had hope.
In Jesus, there was life.
Chapter 36
Jacobbowedhisheadover Obadiah’s grave. His heart was as heavy as the river rocks that covered the freshly turned earth at his feet, but for the first time in his life, hope shone like a beacon amidst the storm-tossed waves of his grief. He would see that crazy old trapper again someday, where Hope Incarnate filled the furrows left by pain and sorrow. Jacob smiled sadly. “Thank you, Obadiah. You showed me the way.”
At long last, Jacob turned and gathered the last of the supplies, lashing the packs tight on Fernand and Kip and filling his canteen with water from the stream that sparkled and danced in the late morning sun. He’d take these furs to Fort Laramie and tell everyone about the crazy old man who’d trapped them and preached the Good News with his every breath.
He gathered the lines. “Come on, boy. Let’s go”
Dantès lay beside his master’s grave. He turned his mournful eyes to Jacob and whined.
Jacob’s throat constricted. “I know, bud. I’m sad too. But he’s gone. He ain’t comin’ back.”
Dantès sat up, agitated. He looked between Jacob and the freshly turned dirt at his feet. He whined again.
“He ain’t comin’ back,” he repeated with more force than was fair. He sighed. “You can stay here with him. Or you can come with me. Your choice.” He walked over and rubbed the wolfdog’sbroad head, giving him a final scratch behind the ears. “You’re welcome by my side anytime.”
