Zak: I couldn’t decide whether Alex’s presence was a good or a bad thing. Three was a tricky number, so maybe four was better. We got into the circular boat, Pea first, then me, then Alex and then AJ. It meant AJ was sitting opposite me. He had this look in his eyes that I’d seen before. I knew it meant trouble. Almost as soon as the ride started, this big wave crashed over the side and soaked Alex. We all laughed but he looked pissed. He was the kind of guy who spent a lot of time on his hair, you know? He started talking about having to go home and get changed, and AJ said it was just a T-shirt and we could lend him one. He cheered up a bit, then. I was starting to think he had a crush on AJ. Of course, it didn’t cross my mind that AJ might have had a crush on him back. AJ and I had never talked about our sexuality – I don’t think many brothers did. Back then, the assumption was that you were straight unless you told people otherwise.
Anyway, AJ and Alex went off to the bus to get Alex a dry T-shirt. I looked at Pea and she looked at me, and then I took hold of both of her hands and kissed her. We were round the back of a hut that sold ice creams and she pushed me gently back against it. I told her that I really wanted to get some time alone with her, and she blushed a furious red. It was then that I thought for the first time that maybe she didn’t have much experience. It hadn’t occurred to me before, because she was so fucking pretty. I asked whether she’d had a boyfriend before, and she looked down at her feet.
Pea: I’d known it was going to come out at some point, the fact that all of this was so new to me. I said no, I’d never had a boyfriend. He asked whether I’d had sex, and it was shocking to me, him asking straight out like that. But I knew I wasn’t going to get a better chance to be totally honest with him, so I gathered my courage, looked up and said no. He said it was okay, that there was no rush for anything, and it put my mind at rest a bit. I kissed him again, and he put his hands on my waist and I understood why people do crazy things for this feeling. I thought, in that moment, that I would probably do anything to be with him.
Alex: Over the time they’d been there, AJ and I had hung out for the odd hour or so here and there. Zak was always trying to get Pea alone, which left the two ofusalone too. So on that walk back to the bus, my hair and clothes dripping wet, I felt pretty comfortable with him. But when we got onto the bus, something changed. The air was charged, somehow. It felt kind of dangerous. AJ went to a suitcase and pulled out a T-shirt without really looking at it. He sat on his bed and looked at me while I changed. I was so aware of my body and his eyes on it as I peeled off my wet T-shirt. I asked if he had a towel, and he reached out and threw one at me. It smelled musty. I dried off, rubbed my hair, and then I was about to put the new T-shirt on when he stood up and came towards me. I thought he would stop when he was a few inches away, but he didn’t. I didn’t move, could hardly breathe. And then he stopped and reached out to touch my chest. His hand was cold and I pulled back, but then I tried to tell him with my eyes that I wasn’t saying no. That I was hungrily, greedily, saying yes. We just looked at each other, no more than a few centimetres apart. Was this it? Was AJ Silver going to kiss me? Was my first ever kiss going to be with AJ Silver?
It was.
Zak: It was Pea who said they’d been gone ages. I didn’t notice. I was completely lost in her, in this thing between us.
Alex: It was more than a kiss. It was pushing and pulling, touching and sliding, our hard, young bodies slamming against one another in something that felt strangely akin to fighting. And then it was over, as quickly as it had begun, and AJ was getting back into the top I’d pulled off him and saying nothing. I was so naïve. I thought it was the start of something. And it was, in a way. But not the way I imagined.
Pea: I did notice things were a bit weird when they came back. They were too quiet, too careful. But I didn’t think much of it.
Zak: I thought maybe they’d had an argument or something. Like I said, AJ was in a funny mood that day. He lit a cigarette and said that he wanted to go out. ‘Out where?’ I asked. The girls were still there, at the gates. He asked Pea if there was another way out and she confirmed that there was another, smaller gate just behind their house. He said, ‘Let’s do it. I’ll wear sunglasses and a hat.’
Alex: I didn’t like it. I guess because I’d literally just spent some time alone with him, and I still couldn’t believe it had happened, and it was bad enough going back to Pea and Zak. I didn’t want to open the circle any wider, to risk other people seeing him.
Zak: I did feel sorry for him, sometimes. When we travelled, I could go for a walk or talk to people and it was just impossible for him. So I went along with it. I thought it would be okay if it was just this once, before the tour actually started. We all trudged back to the bus and I found a baseball cap and AJ dugout his sunnies. He piled his longish hair on top of his head and made sure it was covered by the hat, then turned to look at us.
Alex: It was a small town. Everyone knew everyone, pretty much. And people weren’t stupid. I knew someone would recognise him.
Danny: This has got disaster written all over it, hasn’t it?
Pea: We went up to the gate, the four of us. It was the one we used to get in and out on foot, to save us walking up the long driveway. I was kind of surprised the crowd hadn’t found it yet, but I went ahead and there was no one around. We set out, and it was so strange, feeling like we had to sneak around in broad daylight. I got a tiny sense of what it must be like to be him, how restricting his life must be. Every time a car passed us, he put his head down. Zak was holding my hand, his fingers laced through mine, and I kept looking down at our hands, not quite able to believe it. Alex was quieter than usual. At one point, AJ told this awful joke. He said, ‘How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? No one knows, because they’re all too busy screwing each other.’
Alex: He looked right at me when he said it. It was a message, clear as day. No one could find out about what had happened between us. But I wasn’t going to be silenced like that.
Pea: It was really uncomfortable. I’d heard jokes like that before, of course, at school or even on TV. But since I’d known about Alex being gay, I’d felt this need to protect him from all that.
Zak: AJ was being a dick. Maybe he was testing Alex, seeing whether he would challenge him. I don’t know. He was just stirring shit up.
Pea: I saw them first. Nicole and Kelly and Fay. Probably the worst people we could run into. I tried to get Alex’s attention but he was looking straight ahead, his eyes set on a fixed point in the distance. I looked down at my hand again, in Zak’s, and I knew they would notice and comment on it. They were sitting on a bench and we were heading straight for them, and it was like a car crash was going to happen and only I could see it.
Zak: Pea slipped her hand out of mine and I noticed that she was looking at these three girls. We were in front, AJ and Alex behind, and when we reached them, the girl in the middle called out. ‘Who’s your boyfriend, Pea?’
Pea: I froze. Nicole never spoke to me. Never. But I can imagine how surprised she was to see me walking down the street with a tall, handsome stranger. I knew that if he opened his mouth and spoke it was all over. But I didn’t know whether it was best to ignore her completely or make something up. I muttered, ‘He’s just a friend.’
Zak: That hurt, man. It made me question this whole thing. If she didn’t want her friends to know that there was something going on between us, then what was it, really?
Alex: I was barely aware of Nicole and her little gang of bitches. I was hearing that joke AJ had told, over and over. Feeling the warmth of his tongue in my mouth and his hands on my skin. What the fuck did any of it mean?
Zak: Before I knew what was happening, AJ had sat down on the edge of the bench and was talking to them.
Nicole: It was the maddest thing. I should have known as soon as I saw Pea Hunter with some guy who was really quite fit, but I didn’t put two and two together until the other boy came and saton the bench next to Kelly and asked how we were and I heard his American accent.
Kelly: I’m Kelly Cross. I almost screamed, I swear to God. AJ fucking Silver, sitting next to me on a bench in West Wilding town centre. Five minutes ago we’d been buying gum and cigarettes in Somerfield. It was like some mad dream.
Nicole: He asked what we were up to and whether we wanted to go with them. Kelly said, ‘Go where?’ As if we were going to say no! We all stood up and he asked our names and we said them, Kelly first, then me, then Fay. He said, ‘Hey Fay, rhymes with AJ. I’m AJ, by the way.’ We were all pissing ourselves laughing and I remember noticing how good he smelled, kind of woody and minty combined. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered them around.
Pea: I wanted to go back. I looked up at Zak but he wouldn’t meet my eye. Then he pushed forward a bit and introduced himself before taking one of the cigarettes from AJ’s pack.
Kelly: The brother was a bit older and he had these intense eyes. If it was now, I’d definitely have gone for him. But we were totally blinded by fame. I mean, we were smoking a cigarette with a guy who we had posters of on our bedroom walls. Nothing in our lives had come close to this moment. And I knew from the way Nicole was giggling and reaching out to touch AJ’s arm that the race was on for one of us to get off with him.
Nicole: No, I didn’t think at that stage that anything would happen.
Fay: My name’s Fay Johnstone. Nicole was definitely flirting. I mean, I think we all were but she was better at it. We all stood and started walking, following Pea and the brother, Zak, to Godknows where. I’d known Pea since primary school. She wasn’t our kind of person at all. Alex wasn’t either.
