That wasn’t freedom. It was indifferent, isolated, estrangement.
“Fuck that,” I said to the ceiling.
I lay there for some time, then showered, dressed, and headed out in search of lunch.
What was so terrifying about being tied down? None of the couples at the lunch buffet seemed to mind. Laughing, eating, and staring at each other like they were worth the world, but didn’t know it. Was that so bad? To look and be looked at, like you were each other’s meaning?
After seeing Chucky bombarding another couple at the buffet and ignoring the urge to save them, I scurried back to my room.
That wasn’t a future I wanted. Nor was it one I could have because I cared about people. If anything, I avoided complications to not hurt others just as much to protect myself. I felt worse because of how I made Alec feel than I did for leaving.
I needed tethers. Like a place to live. I needed a home—Somewhere to lay my head that was mine. Returning was always the best part of traveling, anyway.
There were twenty-three unread texts on my phone. Fifteen were from Alec. I’d avoided opening my messaging app since I left, but it was time to read them. He apologized, asked where I was going and when I’d be home. The last was just, “Your request for PTO has been approved in the portal.”
I kept typing messages and deleting them. What would I say? WhatcouldI say? “Sorry I ran away like a child. Please forgive me?” Or “Telling HR about us scared me so much I entered fight-or-flight mode and ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.”
That was it, wasn’t it? Alec was the best thing that ever happened to me. He made me better. Improved my life. Pushed me at work and in the gym. Without him, everything was worse. An actual deficit to my standard of living and myself.
More than that, though. I didn’t want to lose him.
I let my phone fall on my chest and sighed a great huff. I stood too fast and felt lightheaded, causing my knees to give way, and landed on the bed again.
Dizzy, weak in the knees, can’t stop thinking about him.
I hadn’t stopped thinking about him since I left. I focused so hard on the bed because he wouldn’t leave my thoughts. Actually, he had been on my mind, for one reason or another,since that first work trip. No, since we met for our interview. And there I was, dizzy and weak in the knees.
Love.
I loved him. I was in love with him. More and deeper than I’d ever loved anyone or anything in my whole life.
The part of me that yearned for open horizons was fantasy—like replaying failed pitches to win them in my head. I never imagined what it would be like without him. Not really. Not the day-to-day of life without him.
I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. That wasn’t freedom, or loneliness, or detached estrangement. It was the worst mistake of my life. Because Alec Whitaker was worth so much more than feeling trapped. He was worth my whole life and all my options. No possibility, no conceivable future, had any goddamn value without him.
No message could say that. Only I could do it in person. I had to go home and talk to him. I needed to tell him how stupid I was. How childish. How immature and sacred. And I needed to right away.
The earliest flight home was the following afternoon. Which was fine. I had prepaid reservations at the hotel restaurant, anyway. It would also give me time to prepare my speech.
It needed to be equal parts apology and explanation. Not an excuse, but maybe an understanding. Alec scared and overwhelmed me, but my reaction wasn’t appropriate. I loved him and was ready to start something real. Something totally different, and absolutely wonderful. He was my person. The one I wanted to put down roots with.
Chucky was sitting alone in the bar when I passed through after dinner. He smiled and stretched out his arm, welcoming me to the barstool next to him. I looked straight ahead and kept walking. I needed to get home to my man.
???
I’d never been so nervous opening my apartment door. Or any door. Or ever, in general. I spent the whole day and flight preparing what I’d say when I saw Alec. But as I pushed my key into the door, it disappeared. I could only picture his face and how badly I wanted to kiss it. Hopefully, he wouldn’t push me away.
It was so late, it was early. I didn’t get home until one in the morning. I expected Alec to be in bed or fast asleep on the couch. He was neither.
My apartment was dark and cleaner than any hotel room. The carpet had vacuum lines, the kitchen sparkled—even the bathroom mirror had lost its water specks. But there was no Alec.
What there was, on his pillow, was a letter.
Mason,
First of all, I am very sorry I suggested going to HR. That was beyond foolish of me. I replayed the entire conversation in my head so many times. It was a massive failure for someone who prides himself on reading people. I should have had a conversation with you about it first. For that, I apologize from the bottom of my heart.
I can see now that I was using you to ground myself. For the past few years, as my marriage disintegrated, my life became more and more listless. It was wrong of me to pin my sense of security on you. So please, forgive me for that too.
