“You know, I don’t even like this area?” he said after a few moments. “But I went to school here, and it was the first place I really put down roots.”
“Really? I like this area. Big city vibes without the cost.”
He snorted. “It’s shit. And dirty. And I knew that, but what did I do? I bought a house I couldn’t afford and got married too young to the wrong person all to start a family—something permanent and real—which I can’t even biologically do, and now it’s like… I just feel uprooted. Ungrounded. Unstable.”
I squeezed his hand. “I think you need to take a step back. This is a good thing. Moving on when you should is agoodthing. Marriages end, man. It’s not the end of the world.”
He snorted. “Sure fucking feels like it.”
“C’mon. No, it doesn’t.”
“It… really kinda does. Viv was my sense of security. That’s the biggest reason I stayed. And now that’s gone. It’s like I’m adrift in a sea of bad life choices. Nothing to hold me together. Nothing underfoot.”
Christ, he was bleak. Not knowing how to make him feel better made my pits warm. But I had to, even if I wanted to go for a run. Or a walk. Or anything that wasn’t sitting there with him. Which only made me feel worse.
“Look, I know you’re feeling like shit right now, and I don’t blame you, but you’re an awesome person. Head to toe.” I touched his head and then his knee. “You know that. I know you do.”
“Maybe. Probably not—I’ve fucked up every major life choice I’ve ever made.” He counted on his fingers. “Where to go to school. Where to live. Who to marry. Even my profession. And I mean, yeah, a lot of that is because my parents royally fucked me up, but I’m an adult man. After a while, my choices—myfailures—are my own. And what are we but the sum of our choices?”
“Alec, dude, come the fuck on.” I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. “You’re getting divorced, not going to jail for being theWorst Person. You picked the wrong wife, but yourschool is great, this is a perfectly fine place to live, and you’re the number one sales rep.”
He sat up, letting me go. “Being number one doesn’t mean I like it.”
“What? You don’t like sales? Fuck off. You love it. You’re a born huckster, in your own words.” I laughed again.
“Not really, no. I’m good at it, but I hate it. And being good at something you don’t like doing can only sate you for so long. But I still do it.” His body language shifted, and his voice rose. “Every day. Crushing it. Number one salesperson. And you know why?”
“No, Alec. Listen—”
“Because I don’t like change. I hate it. Fear it. Run from it as best I can. I refused to see that my marriage was dead a long time ago because it was safe and my wife was good to me. It also means I’m stubborn, and very uncomfortable with ambiguity.” He searched my face. A gesture that normally gave me butterflies. “Maybe it’s a good thing I can’t have kids. I’d be just as shit as my parents, but in the other direction.”
“Alec…”
He was having a breakdown, and I had no i-fucking-dea what to do. Alec was a good man, but a better salesperson. Whatever he was talking about had to be from the darkest pieces of himself. I kept fighting the urge to get up and walk away. I wouldn’t, and didn’t want to, but it was there.
“I don’t know what would make a good dad or a bad one. Mine was alright. I love him. He’s funny and a solid guy. But I’ve spent my entire life trying to be as different from him as possible. If it were up to me, I’d say you’d make an amazing dad.”
“Thanks for the glowing endorsement, Mason.”
He wouldn’t look at me, but I kept staring at him. My stomach boiled, and the need to flee grew. I had to make him feel better. Everything I said so far only made it worse.
“Look, things are upside down right now. They’ll get better. I’m sure of it. And until then, I got you. You’re here, safe and sound. But what you need is adventure, man. You settled too quick and found out it was wrong. But it’s not too late. Run, jump, fly. It’ll be okay.”
He evaluated me as his face changed, eyes landing on every part of my face. “Yeah, you got me.”
After a moment, he leaned in for a kiss. Not a peck, but our lips stayed closed. It felt out of nowhere, and made my unease worse, not better.
I sat back. “I do, man,” I grabbed his hand again, “for as long as you need. You just made the wrong choice, but that’s okay. You’re still young,”—I smirked—“older than me, but young. And hot enough to get this young piece of ass. You’ll be okay. What happened to the year of Alec?”
“I moved in with my Jr. Rep. at his urging and have been fucking my way through it.” He chuckled.
I laughed. “See! That’s a good thing, isn’t it? This wouldn't have happened if you were too scared of moving on. And webothwould’ve missed out on some of the best sex of our lives.”
“Yeah, Mason. It is a good thing. You’re a good thing.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“But roots are a good thing, too. Feeling a sense of belonging is good. Knowing where you are, who you are, and what you’re meant to do aregoodthings. And I have none of that right now.”
