Guilt and shame washed through her in an icy torrent and she leaned down to cup her daughter’s face. ‘I would never leave you without telling you. I only stepped out for a moment…to use the latrine.’ She squirmed a little at the lie, she very rarely lied to Astra.
Brenna placed a hand on Astra’s shoulder and said kindly, ‘I think Astra is a little tired.’
Astra was quick to make a furious denial and Skadi grabbed her hand. ‘Let us ask the musicians to play your song once more and then we will go to bed. How about that?’
Astra grumbled a little and was able to negotiate two extra songs of her choosing.
* * *
Later that night after everyone had gone to bed, Skadi lay next to a sleeping Astra and stared up at the rafters high above. Their bed was in a small partitioned area of the hall that was usually used by Gertrud as her personal chamber. After seeing Astra’s obvious upset and exhaustion, Agnar had been quick to tell her to sleep with Astra there and that he would find a bench to sleep on with the rest of his men instead. It was a kind gesture and she began to think of everything that had transpired with Agnar.
Can I trust him?
Can I trust myself?
Did he really see Astra and herself as his family now? A girl that was not even his own by blood… Or, was he manipulating her, just like Heimdall and Sven had done? She’d been a fool so many times she sometimes wondered if she deserved her crown.
If he did want a family of his own…had she given him false hope by making love to him? How long would it take for him to be disappointed by the lack of his own child…his own son and heir?
Heimdall had more than once muttered about the bad luck of only having a daughter. That’s what had turned Skadi further against him over the years, because her father had never treated her as such and she couldn’t understand why Heimdall would… Had he not viewed her as a queen in her own right? Probably not.
Did Agnar? Probably not… Despite his promises and sweet words, could she ever trust anyone but herself?
No, because a queen couldn’t afford to take the risk.It wasn’t just Astra who depended on her, but hundreds of Thrudheim citizens—their families and children. Even her dead ancestors relied on her to make the right choices and continue the unbroken line of Kings.
And yet… How much easier would all of it be if she had someone reliable and powerful at her side?
His speech had affected her deeply, she understood him now and was hopeful for the future. If he truly viewed Astra as part of his family, then she would gladly accept him as her husband, because the truth was, she didn’t have anyone else to support her.
But was she once again behaving like a lusty, stupid fool? Letting her desperate desire to be loved control her? Perhaps he was lying and trying to fool her into trusting him, but he’d also sounded more sincere than Heimdall ever had.
His hate for Sven, his need for revenge, the pain and suffering of his mother, it had all been heartfelt and genuine. He’d also not judged his own mother for what she had done to save him and that had said a lot about his character—considering she’d known many men cast aside women for lowering their morals, without once considering why. The tavern girls were a perfect example and she’d always done everything she could to support and help them without judgement.
But could she trust him with Astra’s life?
No. It would take more than promises and sweet words to trust him with her most precious possession, because without Astra she had nothing.
Her thoughts and arguments were constantly spiralling in her mind, never seeming to go anywhere, like a serpent eating its tail.
Eventually, exhausted and wrung out by her endless doubts, she decided that it had just been a long time since she’d foundpleasure with a man…
Perhaps it was simply an itch she needed to scratch?
Chapter Twenty-Two
In the morning, they were ready to leave the village after a hearty dagmal of porridge, breads, fruits and cheeses with Gertrud and the other crafters.
Skadi was reassured that they had enough food to last the winter, but she was still worried about Thrudheim. She might need to request a pooling of resources if the stores became bare…but she would worry about such a possibility nearer the time. It wouldn’t be until mid or late winter hopefully.
Gertrud’s expression was firm, her wrinkled eyes squinting against the cold wind, as she wished Skadi goodbye. ‘Do not delay at the hunting lodge. The snow and ice will blow in by the end of the week, I imagine. I can tell in my bones that winter is fast approaching and I suspect it will be a harsh one.’
‘I wish we could stay longer,’ said Skadi, ‘It has been too long since I saw you last.’
Gertrud smiled and cupped her cheek in a motherly gesture that almost made Skadi sink into her like a warm bath. ‘When there is peace and stability for Thrudheim, there will be time to visit us again. Do not worry. We have more than enough to keep us through the winter and come spring we can feast again.’
Skadi nodded and then embraced Gertrud in a fierce hug. Astra and Brenna did the same before mounting their ponies.
Skadi made a point of playing games with Astra on the way back up the mountain. It was quicker to get there directly from the village without stopping at any farms or the ancestral burial grounds along the way. So, despite the increased wind and damp chill in the air, they made it on to the steep path just after midday.
