“Not tonight,” he whispered to himself over and over. He let the water fall over his body, his hands against the wall. He shifted the water from warm to cold, trying to shock his body into forgetting. His breathing was getting shallow. He sank to his knees, shivering at the cold spray beating down on him. He wrapped his arms around his legs and tucked his chin against his chest. He tried to focus on his breathing. That was the main thing.
He hated the panic attacks.
>>>
Tawson woke up groggy Sunday morning. He decided to stay in bed and try to distract himself. He’d pulled himself out of the shower last night and put on an oversized hoodie before crawling into the bed. He’d been too cold to think about much else until he fell asleep.
The hours passed and he really wasn’t sure what time it was. He finished his book from yesterday and passed more time playing some mindless game on his phone that involvedsorting colors into tubes. By lunch time, his stomach was protesting and he got up to make a sandwich. There was a knock at the door just as he took the first bite. He looked down at himself, half naked, and back to the door.
“Just a second,” he called out. He moved quickly to find a pair of shorts to put on. He ran his hands over the scruff on his face. He’d trimmed it up yesterday so at least he had that going for him. He shook his body, trying to rid himself of the tension he’d been carrying around all morning. When he opened the door, the last person he expected was Victor. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he said just as shortly. “Um, my dad asked me to come tell you that we’re changing dinner to a cookout tonight. Which means he’ll start the grill around five and we’ll eat about six so whenever you want to come down and join. There will be drinks and stuff if you want to come down sooner.”
“Thanks,” Tawson said. He knew he was being short and he could tell that Victor sensed something was off. “I don’t know if I’ll make it tonight or not, but I’ll try. He could have just texted me.”
“My dad sucks at texting,” Victor said. “And I was on the phone with him coming in anyway. Told him I’d just stop by.”
“I appreciate it,” Tawson said. He really wasn’t sure if he’d be up for that kind of socializing tonight. “I’ll let him know if I can make it.”
“Are you okay?” Victor asked. He was wearing a green shirt and a pair of jeans with tennis shoes. He noticed the way that the shirt tightened around his arms when he crossed them over his chest. “You look like you haven’t slept much. Nervous for the first day?”
“Something like that,” Tawson said. Victor must have heard something in his voice or something because he uncrossed hisarms and reached a hand out. He didn’t reach for him, but mostly as a sign of concern.
“Seriously, though, are you okay? I was trying to play it off but you do look like you’re coming down with something.”
Tawson could feel the tension rising in his body again. This was the last person he wanted to break down in front of and he had about two minutes before he’d cross the point of no return again. Victor stepped closer, inviting himself in. Tawson didn’t have the energy to tell him no. “Hey, come here and sit down. You’re swaying on your feet. Do you want a glass of water?”
He let Victor guide him to the couch and sat down. He stayed there, motionless, until Victor held out the glass of water to him. It was the same cup he’d drank his coffee in yesterday. He’d never put it away.
Victor sat next to him and they stayed like that in silence while Tawson sipped on the water. He never broke down in front of others and he didn’t want to start today. He dropped his head and stared at his hands wrapped around the glass.
“You know, I still haven’t met my roommate. We’ve upgraded to texting outside of the app thing. He’s told me he has a full schedule and that the room was really just a way for him to get his parents off his back. So I’m guessing that means I won’t be seeing him much at all. Like, I peeked into his room and there’s boxes but they don’t even look like they’ve been touched. Do you know, I spent last night eating popcorn in my boxers and watching Family Guy on a forty-inch TV. The first Saturday at college and I spent it alone.” He shifted slightly on the seat. Tawson looked up and over at him. “And get this. He even offered to pay for part of my rent if I pretended he was just out to class or at the library if anyone came to ask where he was. I don’t think I want to know what he’s actually doingor how he’s getting away with it, but I essentially have a sugar daddy. That’s what Joe is calling him.”
“You probably shouldn’t be telling me that a student is not staying on campus,” Tawson pointed out. Victor’s smile faded just slightly.
“Shit, yeah. I didn’t think of that. We can call this a confidentiality talk. Nothing leaves this room kind of thing.”
“Sure,” Tawson nodded. “As long as you’re okay with it and you keep safe living alone, I’ll stay quiet.”
“I’m more than okay with it,” Victor said. “I mean, like I said. I literally can just chill in my boxers or whatever and not have to worry about running into anyone else. Plus, it makes Joe crazy because his roommate apparently farts in his sleep. It’s great.”
Tawson shook his head. Victor seemed to enjoy that fact way too much. He knew that he was trying to distract him and it was working. The rambling story kept his shoulders loose and the knot in his stomach was gone. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” Victor said. His voice was serious now. “I’ve had a panic attack before. They aren’t fun. I can tell my parents that you’re not feeling well and we’ll do a raincheck.”
“No, I’m okay. I’ll come down.” Tawson would be okay for an hour or two.
Victor reached over and took the empty glass from Tawson. Their hands brushed and a moment passed between them. They both looked up at each other and just stared. Tawson could see Victor’s cheeks blush before he pulled his hand away.
“Please don’t mention this,” Tawson said. He stood up and followed behind Victor to the kitchenette. “I’m fine, I promise. But I don’t need-”
“I wouldn’t tell anyone to begin with,” Victor said. “But I doknow how much they suck. If you need anyone to talk to, let me know.”
“I don’t get them very often anymore,” he said. He leaned with his back against the counter and his arms crossed over his chest. He wasn’t sure why he kept talking. Maybe the lack of talking to people yesterday and this morning. It was nice just to have someone else in the room. “Just here and there. I won’t bore you with the details, but they’re getting better. I’m getting better.”
“And you’re going to go on campus tomorrow and absolutely smash it as the new teacher,” Victor said. His smile was back and it was genuine. He had a big smile, showing most of his teeth. His lips were full and for the second time, Tawson caught himself looking at them. “I’ll even beat up anyone that says you aren’t.”
That got a small chuckle out of Tawson. He loved the simplicity of Victor’s words. He was joking, knowing that Tawson needed something to keep his mind away from the other thoughts. He was easy to talk to; Tawson couldn’t figure out why everyone introduced him the way they did. He figured now was as good a time as any to ask.
