“I could eat,” Victor said. He’d had breakfast with his parents and Xander. They were planning family dinner later but he wouldn’t mind missing out tonight.
Victor offered to help, but Tawson declined. Instead, he watched him fill three washers. He’d brought his blankets and sheets too. Victor lifted his eyebrows in silent implication and then prided himself seeing Tawson blush. The man reserved a lot of expressions so getting something out of Tawson felt like a feat. There was no one else in the building, but the windows were way too clear and bright for them to risk even a small kiss or standing too close. He hoped that maybe he could enjoy those fresh sheets with him tonight.
Joe texted him while he was waiting for Tawson to finish. Just a simple question asking what he was doing. He sent a picture of the laundromat, sans the professor. He knew that Joe was cool and would probably just think they happened to be doing their laundry at the same time, but he didn’t want to risk it. Joe sent a picture back of a group in the dorm. Some had books open, others had what looked like some sort of drink in their hand. Bowls of chips and other various snacks were spread around. Victor furrowed his brows, really hoping that the cups were filled with something non-alcoholic. He never really drank, didn’t like the taste of it but he knew that Joe was living it up with the full college experience. He was, mostly, responsible about drinking but it was barely noon yet. He said as much in his responding text.
Relax, dad. It’s just study group. We actually have a project due in a week so we’re working on it and splitting up the tasks. Computer science is no joke here.
Victor sighed, relieved at that. They would have to hang out this week if schedules allowed.
“What are you over there smiling about?” Tawson asked. He was putting the last of the quarters into the machine and pressed a few buttons to get it started.
“Just Joe. He’s in a study group thing right now. I was thinking about inviting him over to hang out sometime this week since someone else never takes me up on my offer.” Victor shifted his eyes to look at Tawson through his lashes while his face was still downcast toward his phone. His fingers were blindly tapping away a response to his best friend.
“You know I can’t do that,” Tawson said. He almost sounded sad when he said the words.
“I know,” Victor said. “And I know that whatever we’redoing here, between us, isn’t exactly the most common of things, but I do wish I didn’t have to make up excuses to see or talk to you around other people.”
“Maybe someday,” Tawson said. He started toward the door and Victor followed. “I like us being us together right now. That’s enough for you, right?”
“Of course,” Victor said. And that was the truth. But like he’d started to realize more and more when they hung out; Victor was a physical touch person with Tawson. He wanted to reach out and hold his hand or brush a finger down his cheek. He wanted to kiss him and just cuddle. He wanted to suck his dick dry and finally fuck. That was hard to do when you only saw the person for a couple of hours a week. He didn’t want to ask him to put labels on what they were doing, but he felt like they were quickly moving past the casual hookups stage. Right? Maybe he was showing his age trying to turn casual into something.
The heat was unbearable for the three minutes it took them to cross the street and get to Albert’s Ale. There was only one other customer in the entire room. A.J. was working and he greeted Victor by name. He shook Victor’s hand with a smile, but his eyes darted to the man beside him.
“This is Tawson Lancaster,” Victor introduced. They took their seats side-by-side at the bar. The other patron, Old Man Porter, was slumped in a corner table near the stage.
“Nice to meet you,” A.J. said with a smile. “What brings you two in today?”
“Doing laundry,” Victor said after a second of hesitation between both of them.
“Well,” A.J. turned his attention to Tawson and leaned both hands against the other side of the bar. “You definitely couldhave picked better company than Mister Always Carrying A Book.”
Victor chuckled at the joke, hoping that it didn’t show how much things like that bothered him. It wasn’t even so much the mister part. But he’d been deemed the quiet one, the one that always distanced themselves a bit. Maybe he’d subconsciously did it so people would give him space. He wasn’t sure. But he did like having friends and meeting new people wasn’t the worst thing in the world. He had his own study group and he talked to several of the students in his other classes. He was outgoing. Just not around those that he knew more than acquaintances. Maybe he’d have to work on that. But it meant the chance of someone learning the secret that only one other person knew.
“I rather like Victor’s company, actually. As an English professor at the college, I think they’re quite smart.”
Victor’s head whipped up from staring at the bar top. He could see the slight confusion on A.J.’s face too at the use of the general pronoun. They’d never discussed it again, after Victor poured his heart out in that story. Of course, he melted every time Tawson called him Vic or Princess. But this- This was in public with others and said a great deal about himself. Victor’s reaction most definitely made it more obvious. Tawson seemed to clock the worry on Victor’s face and opened his mouth to say something. But A.J. beat him to it.
“Well, I guess that makes sense then. I won’t interrupt your nerd talk much. What can I get started for y’all?”
Victor ordered the chicken and fries with a Coke and Tawson went for a burger, fries, and a beer. “I’m not the one driving,” he said with a half-smile. When A.J. walked away, though, the tension between them rose steadily. Victor wasn’t surehow to feel. He didn’t mind it in their little bubble of secrets, hearing the traditionally feminine names or even using gender neutral pronouns. But around others? People he knew. They would start speculating, wouldn’t they? And then that would lead to him having to explain things. Things he didn’t fully understand himself. He knew what he felt, but that didn’t mean he was ready for others-
“I’m sorry.” Tawson hadn’t moved. They were both looking anywhere but at each other. Victor continued to wrangle his hands together while his thoughts tried to sort themselves. Tawson’s body was stiff. Victor could see the way his shoulders were hunched slightly and his forearms rested on the rounded edge of the bar. “I didn’t mean to imply anything.”
A.J. came back with their drinks then and it seemed to break the stiff spell between them. Victor waited until he walked away again to say anything. He straightened his spine and tried to find the right words. His whole body was on pins and needles. His mouth was suddenly dry and he lifted his drink to his lips for two long gulps.
“It just took me by surprise,” Victor said. “I don’t- You know I’m scared that people might look at me differently.”
“I think you’re underestimating those around you,” Tawson said. “But I’m sorry. Would you prefer me to use the typical pronouns around others until you’re comfortable?” The question was whispered, but still Victor wanted to look around and make sure no one had walked in without them seeing.
“I don’t know,” Victor said after a second. He was trying to calm the last of the nerves. “I don’t know what I want.”
“That’s okay, too.” Victor finally looked up at Tawson. Victor blinked back a couple of tears that were building up. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry, Vic. I didn’t think about it when Isaid it. I’ll keep it between us until you’re ready. You let me know when that is, okay?”
“What if I’m never ready?”
“You will be, one day.” His words were confident and the promise settled Victor’s racing mind. “But until then, I’ll keep being that safe space for you.”
“Thank you.”
