“I’m good here to just watch you get ready.”
“You can’t stay here while I’m gone,” Victor said. He stoodup and stepped between Tawson’s legs. Tawson tilted his head back and smiled up at Victor. “You’ll get bored and I don’t know how long I’ll be. But I don’t mind you watching me. It won’t be much of a show.”
Tawson’s eyes dropped down Victor’s body. His eyes were level with his stomach. Victor smiled and dropped his head back as Tawson’s hands snaked under his shirt and skimmed over his skin. His breath hitched when Tawson’s fingers brushed over his nipples. Immediately they pebbled and Victor’s skin broke out in goosebumps.
“Do you like that?” Tawson’s words sounded intrigued. Victor opened his eyes and looked down at the man playing with him.
“I’m not opposed,” Victor said with a sly smile. He leaned down and kissed Tawson. Tawson parted his lips and let Victor take the lead. His tongue slid along his and the stubble on Tawson’s face scratched against his bare skin. He could barely grow a shadow of a beard, much less the full one that Tawson could. He loved the feel of it. Tawson’s hands moved blindly down his body and tugged on the shorts he was wearing.
Victor’s cock was semi hard already. It seemed to be the usual status whenever Tawson was within viewing distance of Tawson. He let his shorts drop and climbed onto Tawson’s lap. He sat with his knees on either side of Tawson and wrapped his arms around his neck. Tawson’s arms snaked around him and he moved his lips to kiss down his neck. The heat between them was rising quickly.
“Can I ask you something?” Victor asked between series of small kisses against his skin. Their hands were everywhere on each other. It was uncoordinated but hot.
“Of course,” Tawson said easily. His hands gripped Victor’ships and Victor ground his cock against the bulge in Tawson’s trousers. “Fuck, Vic. That feels good.”
He repeated the motion once more, smiling when Tawson groaned at the contact. He slowed his movements until he was just sitting on Tawson’s lap. He kissed him once more before taking a deep breath. Victor smiled, his hand brushing down the back of Tawson’s head. “Can I suck you off?”
Victor waited for a response. He could feel his own body heat with embarrassment. He wanted that to come off more sensual than it did, but he didn’t know how else to ask. He couldn’t stop replaying their first night together and how good it felt. He wanted to give that back to Tawson, to share that with him. But he didn’t say anything and Victor started to worry that he crossed a line. He wasn’t exactly sure what they were doing together, what they were to each other. He’d shared his most private secret with him.
He felt dumb for asking. He started to move, to pull back and stand up. But Tawson’s hands held him in place. “Wait, I’m sorry. I just- You caught me off guard. Is that something you want to do?”
“Are you kidding? It’s all I’ve been thinking about. If we had the time, I’d be ready for you to throw me on the bed and take me right here, right now.” Tawson’s face was a mix of shock and something else. Victor couldn’t place the second emotion.
“I want to,” Tawson said. He rubbed his hands up and down Victor’s thighs, like he was nervous and trying to rub his palms against his own pants. “I need to tell you something before, though. Just- Just in case it doesn’t go well.”
Victor tilted his head. This time, Tawson let him slide off his lap. He moved to sit crisscross on the bed, facing him. Tawson turned his head to look at Victor. Or, at his lap. Tawson wasn’tlooking him in the eyes. But that didn’t stop Victor from seeing the pain cross his face. Victor held Tawson’s hand in both of his.
“You know I was married before,” Tawson said. His voice was shaking. “No, wait, sorry. Let me back up a little more. I came out as bi my junior year of high school. I’d only casually dated up until that point, but branched out, I guess you could say, the summer before college.
“I met my ex-wife my first semester of college. We spent the whole four years together. She knew my sexuality and said it never bothered her. When we graduated, I proposed and we were married two months later. We bought a house, a new car, even had a couple of cats we adopted over the five years we were married.”
Tawson took a shaky breath. Whatever was coming, Victor knew he wasn’t going to like hearing it. He could see a tear roll down Tawson’s cheek but before he could react, Tawson reached up and wiped it away. He finally looked at Victor and his heart shattered. Whatever they were, whatever they were doing together- It didn’t matter. He could see the pure pain in his face. “I loved her. I was happy with our life. We went out one night with some friends to celebrate something, a birthday maybe. We were all drinking and having a good time.”
He shook his head, like he wanted the memories to go away but he kept going. Victor lifted his hand and kissed across his knuckles, hoping that it was coming across as comforting. “The details that night are hazy. But I remember feeling more messed up than I should be with the amount I drank. My vision was blurry and I could hardly walk in a straight line. I asked to go home, but she wasn’t ready to leave our friends. Her friends. So, I decided to get a car back home. The next thing Iremember was waking up in a hotel room that I didn’t book. I was alone but… I was sore. In a lot of places. I couldn’t find my phone and I had no memories of the night before. The hotel staff had to call my wife because I was still out of it past their checkout time. She’d ended up staying at a friend’s place and thought I’d just gone home.”
Victor could put together what happened. He could feel the tears in his own eyes. He wanted to crawl back into Tawson’s lap, hold him, make the memories go away. He was at a loss for words but Tawson continued.
“I went to the hospital and told the doctor what happened. They said the testing came back inconclusive. Said that there was evidence of lube consistent with condoms, which was the only positive thing. But because of that, they couldn’t rule it one way or another. My blood work came back with traces of Rohypnol, but they still wrote it off as undetermined.”
“I’m so sorry,” Victor said. This time he did move and wrapped his arms around Tawson. He could hear him choking back sobs. Victor couldn’t find anymore words. Nothing could make this better. “I’m sorry.”
“The worst part was that Jessica didn’t believe me. She accused me of cheating and our friends took her side. I guess, during the investigation, they found that the hotel room had been booked with my credit card. I tried to fight it in court, but it was useless. She got the house and the car, she got my entire retirement from my last job.”
“Tawson.” Victor pulled back to look at him. His eyes were red and tears were streaking down his face. Victor knew his face looked similar. The moments they shared, laughing, cuddling, just talking. The panic attacks made sense. His own hurt was turning to anger.
“That was a while ago,” Tawson continued. He brushed his thumbs under Victor’s eyes, like he needed the comfort. “We separated immediately. She wouldn’t let me stay in the house. Then she served me with the divorce papers. I only tried to fight it for a month, but this is Texas and everyone knew that I’d come out as bi in school. Everything was stacked against me. I knew Daniel from a conference he’d guest lectured for teachers. After everything was said and done, I reached out to him through email and he got me in contact with William.”
“I don’t know what to say,” Victor said honestly. “We don’t have to do anything, Tawson. I told you, I was good with just hanging out.”
“No, Vic, that’s not why I told you.” Tawson tugged him closer, adjusting both of them so he was back on his lap straddling him. “I want to. I’ve done the therapy and I know this wasn’t my fault. I know that. But I haven’t been with anyone since that happened. I don’t know what it is about you, but I want all of that again. I just- I might need to take it slow when it comes to my body. And I don’t like to bottom. I don’t think I could do that.”
“That’s fine with me,” Victor said. “I’m not a fan of topping. It just seems.. blah.”
“Blah?” Tawson let out the smallest of snickers. Victor counted that as a win. “I don’t want you to think about this anymore, okay? It’s in the past and I’ve decided to restart my therapy through the foundation. I just need you to be aware that certain things might take me a little longer to be comfortable with.”
“I don’t ever want to make you uncomfortable,” Victor said. “I know it’s only been a couple of weeks, but Tawson, I really like you.”
“I really like you too,” Tawson whispered. He dipped his head and pressed his forehead against Victor’s chest. “And I want to give you everything, but I don’t think my body is agreeing with how fast we’re moving.”
