Victor stared into his closet. He bit his bottom lip, worrying it between his teeth until it was raw. It was Wednesday and he had his afternoon class in about an hour. He stared at the options for clothes. His morning classes were usually just sweats or shorts and a t-shirt. But he was planning on going to dinner with Joe after his next class. The shirts were fairly plain. But the skirt was hanging right there, on the end. Like it was mocking him.
He never should have told Tawson about his… thing. His secret. There was no reason except that Victor never felt more connected with someone. Joe didn’t even know all of it. He knew that Victor didn’t want to take over the ranch and he was more than okay for Paxton to inherit it. He loved the horses and really didn’t mind the work, but it wasn’t all he wanted to be. This was his third week on campus. Despite his thoughts his first day at the apartment, he hadn’t touched the underwear or the skirt in all that time.
Knowing that someone else knew, someone like Tawson. It was unsettling. They didn’t talk about it either. His alarm hadgone off and, like the weekend before, Tawson drove him in the dark to the back of the barn. He gave him a soft kiss and they went their ways for the day. He joined them for Sunday supper but the topics revolved around Paxton’s team playing their first game. That was set for Friday evening and everyone was going to be on campus for it. It was his sister’s first official game as Assistant Coach.
He sighed and closed the door. He would just keep the white shirt he was wearing and go for jeans. The class was only an hour. He’d walk to the dorms and ride with Joe to the restaurant.
A knock on the door caught his attention. Victor kept his bedroom door open when he was in the apartment. The sound echoed down the hallway a second time before he made it to the main door. He opened it, expecting one of his neighbors or something. Instead, it was Tawson. Which was surprising because he should have already finished his classes for the day. Like, two hours ago. Which meant he was usually back on the ranch by now. He wore a hat and sunglasses again. Victor really wasn’t sure if thedisguisewas helping.
“What are you?”
Victor stepped back and let him in, closing the door behind him and locking it again. They both stood there just inside the door. Victor looked him up and down, taking in the button up shirt tucked into the tailored navy trousers. The pants hugged Tawson in all the perfect places. He wore a brown belt with matching shoes. He looked great. Hot.
“Are you heading somewhere?”
“Um, class in just a bit. Then I was meeting Joe for dinner after.”
“Oh, okay. I probably could have texted you first.”
“What’s going on?” Victor moved back toward his room. He knew without looking that Tawson was following him. He moved to his dresser and pulled opened the middle drawer, looking for the pair of faded jeans he liked best.
“I’ve been sitting in my office contemplating if I should actually show how clingy I can be or not. I didn’t want to wait for our once-a-week night together.” Victor smiled at that. He liked the thought of taking up space in Tawson’s mind. Hands snaked around Victor’s body and lips pressed softly to the back of his neck.
Victor pulled away quickly, turning to rush to his window and pull his curtain closed. He jumped onto his bed and closed the other one too. He wouldn’t risk someone looking up and seeing them. He stood back up and smiled at Tawson. He’d taken off his hat and glasses, replacing them with his prescription lenses he had tucked somewhere in his shirt pocket.
“Sorry about that,” Victor said with a sheepish grin. “Call me selfish but I want to keep you to myself.”
“I’m all for that,” Tawson said. “But first, I do come with things. Or, a request. I don’t know if you have enough time to talk about it.”
Victor’s nerves kicked up and he took the smallest step away from Tawson. “Depending what it is?”
“It’s about the story you told me,” Tawson said. Victor’s heart rate started rising. He knew they’d have to talk about it. He really had planned to tell just a random story, but then it came out. He made himself look at Tawson. He would have this conversation. Tawson reached up and cupped his hand against the side of his head. “First off, I want you to know how proud I am of you. You telling me that changes absolutely nothing about the way I feel.”
Victor nodded. He didn’t trust his voice. Victor knew the second he opened his mouth, sobs would escape. He did his best to keep his composure.
“Second, I did some research. I wanted to make sure I understood. There’s a lot of information out there.” Victor knew that too well because he’d done the same. He found a few things and even read a couple books with nonbinary characters. It helped him understand himself a little more. “And I’d like to hear it from you, how you identify and feel.”
Victor nodded once more. His nerves were on edge, firing randomly and twisting his stomach in knots. Tawson took his hand and guided him to sit on the bed. “And thirdly, if you’re willing, I would love to see what the prince has hidden in that magic box of his.”
Victor make a choking noise before composing himself as best he could. If he was in another headspace, he’d make an innuendo about his magic box. But now wasn’t the time. Tawson’s hand covered his and he leaned over and brushed his lips against the side of his head. “Only if you’re ready, Vic. I don’t want you to feel like I’m trying to force you but I am willing to listen.”
“Thank you,” Victor said. His voice was soft and he leaned over to rest his head on Tawson’s shoulder. He cleared his throat and tried to find the words to say. “Sometimes, I just don’t feel like one gender or another. I don’t like the stereotypes that come with one or the other either. When I put on… the clothes, it makes me feel different. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like I put it on and I’m putting on a different layer of myself. It isn’t a mask or anything to cover who I am like this, but just another part of me that is always there.”
“Do you feel like it’s something that you want to explore more?” Tawson kept his hand firmly around Victor’s. “Outside of what you already have, I mean.”
“Maybe, but I don’t think I have the courage to do it here or at home.” Victor lifted his head and looked up at Tawson. “I know you think my family is supportive and they are, but I’m still scared that this is something that they won’t understand. I can’t think about them being confused or questioning me.”
“Can I make you a deal?” Tawson asked. Victor looked into his eyes and he could see honesty and earnestness there. “I want to be a safe space for you. A safe person. I want you to feel comfortable around me to explore whatever you want. However you want.”
“I appreciate that,” Victor said. He really did. “And maybe. But right now, I’m happy with the things I have for now. I would like you to keep calling me Vic, though.”
“How long until you have to leave?” Tawson asked. He ghosted his lips just behind Victor’s ear. Victor could feel Tawson’s hand rest against his upper thigh, his lips pressing more firmly. His tongue darted out to lathe around the spot. Victor tilted his head to give him all the access he needed. He tried to think about the question he asked.
“Um, it was an hour but I don’t know now. However long we’ve been sitting here. It’s in the social sciences building, so like three minutes from here.”
Tawson chuckled and pulled back. “It’s only been five minutes since I came in.”
“That means I have at least forty-five minutes.” Victor looked at Tawson and smiled. “Have anything in mind?”
