The way he asked it made it sound like emotional blackmail, but that wasn’t her intention. She just wanted to understand the reason for all the walls and one or both of her questions were bound to reveal it. “You don’t have to tell me, but I’d like you to.”
He took a few more minutes to brace himself and when he started speaking, she realized that he was finally going to let down his defenses. He’d made the choice of what was more important to him and he chose her.
“Once upon a time,” he began unsteadily, “I had a friend…Perry. We met in kindergarten and we were inseparable from the get go. We shared our lunch and we shared our toys and…we shared our moms. He was like a brother to me.” He stared at the floor, but Jasmin could tell from the change in his breathing and the shakiness in his voice that tears were on the way. “I was with him every day. We did everything together.”
He told her about how they used to spy on Becky from the treehouse and their frequent trips to the Barber Shop. He retraced every step of his childhood, explaining all the details of how they used to prank his sister by putting all sorts of disgusting things under her pillow, how Perry got sentimental every time they got drunk. From just the emotion in his voice, she could feel it, feel the deep bond of their friendship.
“For my eighteenth birthday, he gave me this chain.” He reached inside his T-shirt and pulled out the dog-tags with the Saint Christopher on it. “He got the same one. Sentimental shit. He said…we were gonna be friends forever.” He placed one hand over both his eyes. His jaw clenched and she could actually hear him grinding his teeth, using every mechanism he could to stop himself from crying. “But that was a lie,” he said, his voice barelya whisper. “The accident changed everything. We hit something in the road…and the car spun out of control. Perry flew through the windshield and…and you’d think that…that would’ve killed him instantly.”
“Oh, God, Kevin…”
She didn’t know what to say. All this time she’d been thinking it was something as insignificant as a cheating girlfriend and now she was beginning to see the full weight he carried on his shoulders. She didn’t know how to comfort him and he kept his head down so she wouldn’t try to. The first tear rolled down his cheek and then the second. It was like watching the walls of a dam, straining to hold its contents, but one small crack and it started to seep through. One by one, tear by tear, until eventually the whole thing collapsed from the pressure and he broke down, finally releasing all the anguish he tried to keep bottled up inside. Once it started, the tears seemed to have no end. He stopped struggling for composure, allowing himself to be completely vulnerable in front of her. She guessed that it was the first time he’d allowed himself to be vulnerable with anyone.
He told her about the horrors he experienced that night, slipping deeper into despair the longer he spoke. He was reliving it in his mind, recalling every moment of helplessness.
“He…he was…still alive when I got to him. I really thought he was going to make it, that he was gonna be okay. He was talking to me, Jasmin…but…the blood…There was so much blood…so much blood…all over my hands…my clothes…I tried but…I couldn’t stop it…so I held his hand…just held on…until I couldn’t feel his hand squeezing mine anymore…When the paramedics got there…I think he was already gone…and when they tried to take him away…I was holding onto his chain so tight…it snapped off.”
He stopped talking, sniffing and sighing as he wiped his eyes. Rosy red cheeks and unconcealed agony made up the face ofa Kevin she had not seen before, had not known existed. He inhaled a few deep, self-soothing breaths and was a little calmer before he spoke again. “He wanted to go to Florida and we were planning a trip there next year…so that’s why I’m going there. I’m gonna find a quiet beach somewhere and drop this in the ocean. I’m taking the only part of him I have left to the place he never got to visit.” He half turned to glance at her over his shoulder, looking at her for the first time since he started talking. His cobalt blue eyes were etched with pain and loss. “I’m not a jerk all the time, Jazz. I promise, I’m not…but sometimes…I feel like I need to be…because I don’t…I don’t want any more friends.”
They both fell silent, watching the room get darker as evening turned into night, and in that quiet time his breathing slowed and she found some kind of understanding. She would never completely understand the depth of his loss, but she understood why he was the way he was, the constant pushing and pulling, always shutting her out.
It was almost forty-five minutes later when he felt ready to face her again. “What was your other question?” he asked.
“It doesn’t matter now. You already answered it with the first one.”
“Ask me anyway.”
She shook her head, fiddling with the drawstrings of her hoodie as she tried not to let her face twitch with the hurt, but she caught it too late. She felt the flinch for less than a split second but he saw it. He always did.
He turned so that he was facing her. “What do you wanna ask me, Jazz?”
They were different in a lot of ways, but the same when it came to hiding emotions. They both tried not to show weakness. They both tried not to cry. He was a lot more aggressive in his approach, but it was the same thing, really. And now they weresitting on the bed doing exactly what they both hated doing. Feeling.
“I wanted…I wanted to know why…you don’t want me…but after what you told me about Perry, I see now that it was just a misunderstanding. I was seeing something that wasn’t there. We laugh and joke and I think…maybe…we’re kinda friends. You kiss me…and I think maybe…you might be…attracted to me.” She felt her chest close up and she dropped her head to hide her face. “I didn’t…I didn’t know you did it out of pity. It didn’t feel like that to me. But it was just a misunderstanding, Kevin. That’s all. Just stupid me, completely oblivious to how things really are.”
He shut his eyes and pressed his fingers hard against his forehead. “So fucking stupid.”
It was so soft that she didn’t know if those words were directed at her or himself. Before she could say anything more, he leaned closer. His hands moved to the zipper of her hoodie and he pulled it down slightly, tracing his fingertips over her sweatshirt down to the middle of her chest.
“There are holes here now,” he said, tapping his fingers near her heart. “I hurt you…and there are holes here now. I can’t say I’m sorry because that won’t make it better. And I can’t say I’m sorry because sorry implies that I won’t do it again…but I will. I will fuck up again because that’s what fuck-ups do. They fuck up.” His breath seemed to hitch a little, staggering as his hand moved back to her zipper, pulling it all the way down this time. “But here’s the problem. If you haven’t already noticed, I’m selfish, too.” He pulled the hoodie off her shoulders. “So even though one part of me is screaming that I’m no good for you, the other part is like…well, you were gonna go out and fuck some loser anyway so…why not let it be me? Right? Why not this loser?”
“You’re not a loser, Kevin.”
He sneered, not allowing the words to sink in, but that didn’t stop him from moving closer. The gravity of what was happening only hit her when his hands slipped to her waist, his fingers toying with edges of her thin sweater. The silent request for permission. He kept his gaze fixed on her and waited.
This was stupid. It was dangerous for her well-being. He could hurt her so easily and she shouldn’t get involved with him. At that moment, they were both emotionally fragile and not thinking clearly. This was only going to make things more complicated.
She told herself all of these things, yet she still moved away from the headboard and lifted her arms. In one fluid motion, he pulled off her sweater. He shifted onto the bed, kneeling beside her feet. His hands moved leisurely down her thighs and then down her calves. After tossing off her sneakers, one by one, he grabbed her by the ankles, spread her legs and dragged her towards him. The movement was sharp, hard, so quick that she lost her balance and fell back against the bed. His fingers hooked under the waistband of her pants, tugging them off with more impatience and leaving her in nothing but her underwear. She didn’t say anything, didn’t do anything. She just stared at him, watching as this war raged inside him.
She’d been right when she likened him to water because Kevin could take on any form of water. Cold and hard as ice. Warm and comforting like a nice, hot bath. Calm and serene like a trickling stream, but the form of Kevin she was seeing now was an ocean during a storm. Ferocious, relentless fury. He was so angry. She could see it in his eyes. Not at her. At himself. It became clear that every nasty comment had hurt him a lot more than it had hurt her.
“One day in the future,” he said, stripping off his T-shirt, his chain dangling over his chest, “you’ll get married to some doctor or lawyer with his own practice and you’ll live in your perfectlittle house with your perfect little kids and you won’t remember any of this.” He unbuckled his belt, unzipped his jeans, and stopped there. His one hand glided along her arm back to the spot in the middle of her chest. “You won’t remember these holes, Jazz. You won’t remember the hurt I caused. You won’t…you won’t rememberme. I’ll just be some jerk you picked up at the gas station once. But right now…I could have you.” Both his hands slid down her sides, gripping her just below her ribs until her midsection was arched towards his lips. “I could have this body…taste it…” A hot mouth touched her skin right below her bra and she shut her eyes as it traveled higher between her breasts and up to her neck. “Just for this one moment,” he whispered as he nipped her earlobe, “I could make myself believe that I actually deserve you. I could make you mine…and just for right now…I could mean something to you.”
She cupped his face with both hands and forced him to look at her. The storm still raged inside him, anguish still written all over his face. “Kevin, you do mean something to me.”
That wasn’t what he wanted to hear and he shut her up by kissing her. Intense. So exquisitely intense, ranging from soft and tender to deep and earth-shattering. He kissed her until she felt his pain, until she felt it ease. His hand moved to her shoulder, gently tugging down her bra strap.
“I’ll go slow,” he said.
