The more he thought about it, the more he realized that Jasmin wasn’t a problem. A problem, by definition, meant itcould be solved. No, she was an ailment for which there was no cure. He could actually picture the doctor delivering the devastating news:
“Well, Mister Shepard, it appears you have Jazzatitis. It’s a parasite and, despite any preventative measures one may take, it somehow manages to get under the skin. Its little tendrils start wrapping around every vein and artery. It completely fuses itself to the host. It’s subtle at the beginning. You probably didn’t even notice it was there, but sooner or later, it begins to surface. Symptoms include: erratic mood swings, constant hard-ons, unexplained jealousy and all-round general state of confusion. You are exhibiting all of these symptoms, Mister Shepard, which means you got it pretty bad. From the scans, we’ve seen traces of it in your ventricles, aorta and vena cava. Now, we could try to remove it, but we’d probably end up ripping your fucking heart out in the process.”
*****
It was almost four in the afternoon when April dropped her off at the motel. Being with her all night had put Jasmin in a better head space. They’d talked and laughed and bitched about men. April cried over her ex and Jasmin poured her heart out about Kevin. It was strange how something as simple as girl time could be so therapeutic.
“Thank you for everything,” Jasmin said, reaching over to the driver’s seat to give her a tight hug. “I really needed that.”
“Me too. And don’t worry about Kevin. You’re amazing and if he doesn’t see it, it’s his loss.”
They took a minute to exchange numbers so they could keep in touch and after another hug, Jasmin got out of the car carrying the bundle of clothes she had worn the night before. April was only one size bigger than her so the sweatpants and zip up hoodiestill fit comfortably. She waited for the car to pull out of the parking lot before she walked into the motel room.
Once again, she found Kevin sitting on the bed with his elbows resting on his knees. He looked like he hadn’t slept and she wondered if he’d been waiting for her this whole time. She noticed that she was misreading his behavior again, so instead she ignored him altogether and walked to the other bed to get a clean set of clothes. She’d already had a shower at April’s house, but she’d have another one to avoid him.
“Jasmin,” he said softly from behind her, “can we talk?”
So much for avoiding him. “No,” she replied, keeping her back to him. “I don’t wanna talk. Every time we talk it turns into a fight and I’m tired.”
“I don’t wanna fight. I just…I just want you to talk to me…please.”
It was the subtle desperation in his voice that made her turn to face him. “I don’t have anything to say to you.”
He shut his eyes for a moment, looking like he was in physical pain. “Stop torturing me with this shit. I can’t take it anymore. You leave for hours at a time and then you don’t say one word to me.Please…just talk to me.”
After their argument yesterday, she should have hit back with a nasty retort, but she couldn’t. It was that look in his eyes that stopped her, because he looked sad and tortured. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I thought this is what you wanted. You keep saying that…I’m annoying and I never shut up. It just took me a while to get the hint. I’m only giving you what you wanted…and now you’re upset about that.” She shrugged. “What do you want from me, Kevin?”
He didn’t answer, just stared blankly down at his clasped hands.
“I get it,” she said. “I tried to give you my friendship and you rejected it. I tried to give you my body and you rejected it. I getit. As naïve as I am, I get it. I’m just trying to stay out of your way like you wanted me to. And maybe you see it as desperate, but spending time with people who actually want to be around me doesn’t make me desperate. Wanting to go to a party with a guy who treats me nicely and speaks to me with respect doesn’t make me desperate.” She paused, thinking twice about what she was about to tell him and concluded that she wanted him to know everything she was feeling. “I had no intention of sleeping with Brad. I don’t even like him in that way…but I would be lying if I said it didn’t cross my mind. I wanted to do it…I wanted to do it just to spite you…but that’s a stupid thing to do out of spite, especially when the person I’m trying to spite doesn’t give a damn. Either way, you had no right to tell me what to do, especially because you did the same thing.”
“I didn’t sleep with Candy,” he said, still looking down at his hands. “I kissed you that day, Jasmin. I wasn’t gonna hook up with another girl on the same night…in a room we were sharing. I wouldn’t do that.”
Both of them were relieved by the other’s answer, but that wasn’t enough to rectify the situation. “So why did you let me believe you did?” she asked.
He shrugged as if the answer was obvious. “I wanted you to think I was that kind of guy, because then maybe…you’d stay away from me.”
She didn’t even know what to make of that. He wanted her to stay away from him and when she did, he turned into this mess. He was so frustrating!
“What do you want from me, Kevin?” she asked, not hiding her exasperation.
“I want…I want us to go back to where we were.”
“And where’s that? The place where you keep shutting me out? The place where I think we’re making a connection, but you’re just trying to keep me at a distance? I don’t want togo back there. I’m quite comfortable here where I’m under no disillusions. I don’t have to keep analyzing the things you do to figure out if…if there’s something more going on between us. I hate the fact that I deluded myself into thinking you care about me when you don’t. I don’t want to go back there. I like it here.”
He rubbed his palms together, seemingly nervous. “You were right…Okay? You bother me…and not for the reasons I keep saying. I was a jerk to you and…I want to make this right. You want me to beg, I’ll beg. Please…just tell me what to do to make this right.”
She didn’t want him to beg, but she wanted to end the tension and he finally seemed willing to talk. But before they could move forward, she needed answers so she would know exactly where she stood with him.
“Okay.” Taking a deep breath, she sat down on the bed beside him. “I want you to answer two questions for me. You want me to talk to you and I’ll do that if you talk too. If you answer these two questions honestly, I think we can move past this.”
He pressed his palms harder against each other, even more nervous now. He probably knew that answering these questions would require him to open up and he didn’t like that at all. She put some thought into how she was going to phrase it. He’d told her that the topic of Perry was off limits, so she decided to use a different approach.
“Why are you going to Florida?”
He immediately stood up and walked towards the window, clasping his hands behind his head. She couldn’t see his face but she knew that gesture meant he was either feeling anxious or hurt. Right now it was both. He said nothing for a few minutes and stared out the window, debating with himself over what was more important to him. Her, or his secret.
She shifted on the bed, leaning against the headboard and stretching out her legs as she waited. After what felt like forever,he returned to the bed and sat down beside her. His lower back was against her hip and it seemed like he purposely chose that position so they wouldn’t be facing each other. “If I tell you this…everything will be okay between us?”
