There was something he wanted to do today. He made a quick job of brushing his teeth and getting dressed, and pulled on a thick jacket as he walked down the corridor.
“Mom,” he shouted on his way out, “I’m going to Momma B’s.”
“Sure, honey,” she yelled back from the kitchen. “Just be back before lunch.”
He opened the front door and saw his dad sitting on the porch. “Merry Christmas, Dad.”
“And to you too.” Kevin had just reached the front gate when he heard his father’s voice again. “You should give her a call, Son.”
Even though his father was the one person in the world who had every right to call him that, he still cringed when he heard it. “Call who, Dad?” he asked, playing dumb.
His father gave him a knowing smile. “Don’t think you’re fooling me. I have five kids and I know all the signs. I saw it with Dom and Shane, saw it with Max the first year he brought Danny home for Christmas. Even Jordan couldn’t hide it when she brought Tyler along for Perry’s funeral. Now with you…you stay in your room all day, staring at your computer like you want to be inside it. I thought it was depression at first…because of Perry, but then I noticed that you were listening to Michael Bolton on repeat. When a man resorts to senselessness like that, it’s definitely because of a girl.”
“I like Michael Bolton,” he lied.
A loud chuckle filled the early morning air, his dad still not buying a word of it. “Stop torturing yourself and give her a call.”
Kevin dropped his head, considering it for a few moments. “I’ll think about it.”
And with that, he carried on walking through the thick layer of snow to get to the road. He got to Momma B’s house and his hand trembled as he turned the knob. His childhood memories were already swirling through his mind, but he pushed them aside and walked inside. He found Momma B in the living room and she smiled when she saw him.
“Hi, Momma B.”
She stood up and pulled him into a tight hug. “Hi.”
He didn’t wish her a Merry Christmas because neither of them were feeling too merry. After the death of a loved one, it was difficult to face each day, but special occasions were always harder. Special occasions involved traditions and it made them feel Perry’s absence even more.
“How are you doing today?” he asked.
“Not good. What about you?”
“Barely keeping it together.”
He cast his eyes to the floor and she must have noticed the guilt that flicked across his face. She reached out to squeeze his hand. “Kevin…it’s not your fault.”
He nodded slowly and realized that it was the first time he accepted those words without a fight. “Yeah.” After a short pause, he reached into his pocket and took out Perry’s chain. “I wanted to give you this.” He toyed with it for a long time, rubbing his thumb along the tag until he finally felt ready to let it go. Placing it in her hand, he closed her fingers tightly around it. It felt right to leave it in her care. How strange. He’d traveled over three thousand miles only to discover that the place where Perry belonged was four houses down the road.
She smiled, quickly swiping the tear off her cheek. “Thank you.”
He stayed there for over an hour, talking to her about nothing in particular. The conversation was weighed down bysadness, by the sheer emptiness that filled the space now that Perry was gone.
Eventually, it came time for him to leave. She and her husband usually had Christmas lunch with her sister and she seemed eager to get out of the house. Perry had always spent the day with him and again he felt the inescapable loneliness as he walked back home alone. But something happened in that short distance. He’d let go of the chain and somehow it felt like he had let go of something more.
The burden of shame and guilt that he’d been carrying around for so long was still there, but it didn’t feel so heavy anymore. The shackles tying him to that one night were taken off. He would never forget and he doubted that he would ever fully make peace with what happened. Facing his own demons would take time, but he finally felt…free. Free to truly mourn the death of his best friend without trying to destroy everything around him in the process.
He got back home and as he walked past the dining room, he noticed that Danny and Jordan were already setting the table for lunch. There were going to be two empty seats at the table this year. Ever since Max met Danny seven years ago, she and her foster father, Jake, had spent Christmas with them. Jake died from a heart attack last year and this year the family was struck with another tragic loss. Special occasions were the worst to get through and lunch today was going to be torture.
He walked to the living room and greeted his sisters-in-law, Debbie and Tracey, and then went off to play with the kids before Shane started talking. He’d never been more grateful for his nieces. They really lifted his mood and their high-pitched giggles almost made him forget about the sadness that filled the house. Everyone could feel something was missing. They just chose not to say anything.
Eventually his mother called out that lunch was ready and he walked back to the dining room with his brothers. His father said a short prayer and Kevin tried not to think about the empty seat beside him when everyone sat down around the long table.
His mother had cooked up a storm, but Kevin had no appetite. Everyone took a fair helping of everything, filling their plates.
“Let’s eat.” Shane was the first to break the silence. “Momma, everything looks delicious.”
“I helped, too,” Jordan said, reaching for the roast potatoes. “So did Danny.”
And even with his sister’s short response, Kevin picked up something was wrong. She wasn’t her normal, bubbly self.
