She was happy. That was all he wanted. He wanted her to forget about him, and all the toxic shit that came with him, and just be happy. It didn’t matter that his chest was so heavy he could barely breathe. It didn’t matter that it was killing him to see her with someone else.Shewas the only thing that mattered.
He grabbed his phone from the side table and scrolled through his contact list. Just like every other day, he had to resist the urge to call her. He should’ve deleted her number when he deleted his off her phone, because he played this game with himself all the time. He wanted to call her to apologize. He was trying his best to make things right with everyone around him—his mother, Momma B. He’d apologized to Dom and finally held that ball with Kay. It felt like he was beginning to heal, but as one part of his life came together, the other continued to fall apart.
He couldn’t make it right with Jasmin and regret was eating at him as much as the guilt. Every day as his finger hovered nervously over her name, all he did was look up at the computer screen and that alone reminded him to stay out of her life. She was much happier without him. He scrolled past her name and typed out a text to someone else. Even as he pressed send, he knew it was a stupid idea, but at that moment he didn’t care. He wanted to distract himself with something else, stop thinking about Jasmin for just one night.
Kevin:R U at home?
It took a few minutes before she responded.
Claire:Yeah. I’ve been waiting 4U to come by
Kevin:I’ll be right over
December, 20
Great Falls, Montana
One more bridge to cross, Kevin thought as he walked towards the door. One more hurdle to face and then hopefully he could finally start accepting the tragedy that had happened. Going over to Claire’s house last night only proved that there was nothing he could do to distract himself from his inner turmoil.
He knocked on the door and it didn’t take long before a pretty middle-aged woman opened it.
She looked apprehensive, but still greeted him with a smile. “Hi, Kevin.”
“Hi, Mrs. Cooper. Is Clayton here?”
She gave a wary smile as she shifted to the side and allowed him to enter. “He’s in his room.”
Kevin slowly made his way down the long hallway to Clayton’s room. He exhaled a deep breath when he reached the door, uncertain of what to expect. Just seeing the back of Clayton’s wheelchair made him want to turn his head the other way. Taking responsibility wasn’t easy. The ripple effect of the destruction he’d caused extended so far beyond that one night. Peoples’ lives had changed irreversibly. The consequences for them would last forever and owning up to that was soul-destroying, especially because his life hadn’t changed at all.
Kevin tapped on the door before anxiously stuffing his hands in his pocket. “Hey, Clay,” he said softly.
Clayton turned his wheelchair and shook his head when he saw him. “Prick.”
Kevin cast his eyes to the floor for a second, unable to look at his legs, stumps ending where his knees used to be. “I know.”
“You look like shit.”
“I feel like shit.”
“What took you so long?” Clayton asked, sounding more annoyed than angry.
“I was busy. Running away. Avoiding everyone. Being a coward. Shit like that tends to take up my entire day.”
“Seems like you need to find a new hobby.”
Kevin snorted out half a laugh before turning serious again. “Clayton, I don’t expect you to forgive me…and you can hate me and resent me for the rest of your life…I deserve that, but I just want you to know that…” He knew he needed to apologize, yet looking at his legs made an apology seem so insignificant. How was an apology going to make up for the fact that he couldn’t walk. The scales were severely out of balance, but an apology was all he had. Just like with Momma B, he was powerless to give anything more. “I’m sorry.”
Clayton’s eyebrows drew together. “For what?”
“For what I did…I ruined your life.”
“Kevin, you saved my life. I don’t think I would’ve made it until the paramedics got there if you hadn’t told me to keep singing. Every time I started blacking out, I just heard you yelling. That kept me going.”
Hearing that instantly set him off. “Clay, take a good look at yourself. I’m the reason you’re in that chair. I’m to blame for all the shit that’s happened to you and here you are sounding like you’re grateful.”
“I am,” he replied solemnly. “I’m grateful that my legs are the only things I lost. It was an accident and you’re the reason I came out of it alive. The only person who blames you for what happened is you. I don’t resent you. Am I mad? Yeah. I’m pissed off. I’msoangry at you. You left me in the lurch to deal with this by myself.” He sneered, shaking his head and Kevin could see that he had a lot of pent-up aggression he needed to let goof. “If you think it was easy for me to get to this point, it wasn’t. The recovery wasn’t easy. Learning to live without my legs wasn’t easy. Coming to terms with Perry and Shandré’s death wasn’t easy. I was depressed for months and there were days I just needed someone to talk to, someone who knew what I was going through. You were the only one who understood and you weren’t there. It would’ve been really nice to have a friend, but you were too selfish to care about anyone else. That’s what you need to apologize for.”
Kevin’s response was immediate. “I’m sorry. I fucked up in so many ways. And you’re right. I’m a selfish prick. I shouldn’t have left you to go through it alone. I should’ve been there and—”
