“This was a great distraction for me, a nice way to get my mind off all this shit.”
Bob:Did he just call her a distraction? (Shakes head in disbelief) I was anticipating the: “it’s not you, it’s me” trope, but he’s cheapening everything that happened.
Dan:Let’s not forget why we’re here, Bob. This kid’s an asshole.
“Don’t get me wrong, it was fun, but I don’t want you to see this as anything more than what it was.”
Dan:He’s gonna say it.
Bob:He’s not gonna say it. He’s in love with this girl.
“You were just a convenient fuck when no one else was around.”
Bob:Ohhhhh! Fuck! No, he did not just say that. I apologize for doubting you, Dan. I’m sorry for ever having any expectations when it comes to Kevin. All time new low!
His teeth sliced into tongue, deep enough for him to taste blood, his own body rejecting the vileness that came out of his mouth. “And you were a great fuck, too…So willing.” That one turned his stomach over, causing bile to rise up, but he swallowed and forced a smile. “But now it’s over, so why don’t you just hop into your car and stay the fuck away from me.”
And then there was silence. The erratic commentary, every scattered thought—all of it came to a halt at that instant. He kept his eyes fixed on her, waiting for that small reaction. One brain-drain twitch and when it didn’t work, he saw another. No perky smile. Where was the perky smile? The perky smile meantshe would be okay, it meant she still had enough in her to fight back. After the third brain-drain twitch, she stopped trying to suck those words out of her head. She was taking in all that venom, internalizing every ounce of pain. She was so still, not even breathing. It hurt her that much. It was like the lump in her throat was so big, it wouldn’t allow any air to pass through.
A piercing gasp broke the silence, the sound of a person taking in air after being held under water for a solid two minutes. A tear rolled down her cheek and then another. She didn’t wipe them away, just let that pain flow from her body. The fact that she was showing her feelings openly broke him and he wanted to beg her to say something nasty back, beg her to transfer some of that pain to him because he deserved it. But she just stood there, staring at him as every shred of hope shattered in her Jasmin eyes.
“Okay, Kevin,” she whispered. “Okay.”
He watched her walk back to the car, grinding his teeth so hard it felt like they were going to break off. He waited for her to drive away before he picked up his bags and headed to the edge of the road, spitting out blood every second step. He sat down on the ground and pressed both palms against his face, losing himself in his thoughts.
Dan:Stick a fork in it. It’s done! And the Asshole of the Year Award goes to…(dramatic announcement voice) Keviiiiiiiiiiin Shepard.
Bob:(Applauding) The determination of this young man! Kevin, come up here and collect your prize.
Dan:You know, for a moment we thought you were out of the game. You guys were doing all that cutesy stuff, I didn’t know if you were ready to withdraw from the competition. And when she met her mother, we thought you were gonna be the runner up for sure. Butyou always manage to surprise us. What a spectacular performance! Tell us why you did it.
Kevin:(Gives a small smile) Well, Dan, as you can see (waves the award), I’m an asshole. I wanted to ruin the only good thing in my life…and I wanted to ruin it irreversibly.
Dan:Self-destructive much?
Kevin:Yeah. All the time. It’s not even a hobby. It’s a way of life. But this wasn’t about me. Don’t forget, Dan. I destroyed the lives of three people…and their families…and I wasn’t about to do the same to her. Jasmin has a great future ahead of her. She’s gonna make something of herself. She’s gonna be rich and successful and she doesn’t need the destruction, that is me (points to self), fucking it up for her. Picturing a future with her is just plain sadistic, seeing as though I have absolutely nothing to offer. I’m poison. I begged her leave, but she…she wouldn’t give up on me. If I didn’t do it the way I did, she would have held onto this toxic relationship. She’s a genius…already head of a research department, she’s won prizes, she’s even been on TV. She’s got medals coming out of her ears and what do I have? The Asshole of the Year Award. And while that’s a fantastic fucking accolade, I just thought she deserved more.
Bob:So now that it’s all over, how do you feel?
Kevin:Well, I feel like shit, Bob. I feel like I just drank battery acid and I’m disintegrating from within. That shit’s just burning up every-fucking-thing inside me.
Bob:I don’t get it.
Kevin:You wouldn’t. Because you’re a dick! But let me elaborate on the insurmountable pain slashing throughme. You know that feeling, Bob? When you feel like there’s a thousand pounds crushing on your sternum. When your heart is so heavy…it doesn’t even have the strength to beat anymore, like it’s about ready to drop straight out of your chest (slowly breaking down). You know that feeling when there’s like…a million needles stabbing every inch of you and it’s happening so fast there’s a searing sting under your skin. That only happens when every single cell in your body has received word of the utter devastation you have caused. That’s how I feel right now, Bob (barely holding back the tears). I am hurting…on a cellular level. It’s a feeling of losing a best friend…Twice…In one year. And knowing both times were my fault (completely losing composure). I just crushed the woman I’m in love with, ripped her heart out and then stomped on it. And every time I think of the hurt…in her Jasmin eyes…the hurt I caused, it’s like another kick to the fucking stomach. But other than that, I’m doing just great! Thanks so much for asking.
Dan:And thank you for sharing, Kevin. Join us again next year, folks. The producers have told us to rename this to the Kevin Shepard Award because this guy has just set a new standard. Thank you! And goodnight.
Kevin:It’s been an epic show. But now if you guys don’t mind, I’m gonna wait for a truck to run me over.
There was a limit to how much torture the human heart could take. He’d reached that limit hours ago. When he’d taken the picture of Ariel holding Perry’s chain, he’d already felt like he couldn’t take anymore. But it just kept adding up. Just like with anything else in life, if more and more things are added onto an already strained object, it snaps, it breaks.
He had reached his limit. He couldn’t break anymore. He slowly wiped the tears from his face and reached into his pocket for his cell phone. As if it was some type of coping mechanism his mind had conjured up, he stopped thinking about Jasmin. And now it was time to gather the jagged pieces of himself and find a way back home. He still had a bit of money left, but it wasn’t enough to get back to Montana. When he’d decided to take this trip, he hadn’t wanted to get his family involved. The money he’d had would have probably been enough to get him to Florida and back if the trip had lasted a few days like he’d planned. But then he’d met a girl he couldn’t get away from and ended up spending over a month on the road. He was broke in more ways than one.
It was two in the afternoon which meant that it should be late morning in Seattle. He scrolled through his phone until he found his sister’s number.
He generally didn’t call or check in and she sounded wary when she answered. “Hey, Bink.”
“Jo-jo…” His voice trembled and he tried to pull himself together. She still heard it, though.
