“It’s okay to be alone. All of us are at some point in our lives.”
Not him. He hated it. He’d spent his entire childhood alone, in his room, pretending it didn’t matter that no one had wanted to sit near him at school or that they’d made fun of him in the lunchroom every day. A memory intruded…alone in a van…being touched…and he shuddered, the old anxiety rising. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself and refocus on the present.
“I don’t need psychoanalysis. If you don’t want to have sex, fine. It’s not a big deal.”
“Has anyone ever told you how infuriating you are?”
He mustered a grin. “That would be you. Every single day.”
Humor twinkled in Wolf’s eyes. “Damn, I’m smarter than I thought.” Wolf took him by the shoulders. “I hate when you say sex isn’t a big deal. Intimacy should always be special. You shouldn’t be falling into bed with anyone who asks, because you deserve more. You’re worth more. Much more.”
Struck dumb, as much by Wolf’s words as his fierce expression, Spencer sat frozen with shock. Since when did Wolf care about him?
“I know I’m good. And I usually do the picking, not them.”
“You’re being deliberately obtuse. If you don’t want to talk about it, fine. But I’m not going to sleep with you so you can forget about what happened today. Because you know what? You won’t forget. Maybe for a day or a week, sure, but it will all return, and then what? You’ll find someone else?”
“So what? Why do you care? You’ve always known I was this way,” he yelled.
“And I fucking hated it,” Wolf shouted back. “I hated hearing you talk about a different guy you screwed every night.”
“If I want to fuck away my feelings about my father and everything else in my miserable life, I should be able to. He doesn’t deserve me. He doesn’t deserve anything at all.” By this time the tears flowed freely, and Wolf held him tighter.
It felt so damn good to be with someone with no expectations of needing to be charming and funny and putting on an act. He clung to Wolf, because as incredible and unexpected as it was for him to be in this position, being held by Wolf was exactly where he needed to be.
“Why?” he asked, his lips pressed to Wolf’s neck.
“Why what?”
“Why did you hate hearing about me with other guys?”
Wolf’s heart pounded beneath his ear. “Because you’re worth more than a hookup. You treat sex so cavalierly, and I never understood why.”
“Have you ever felt so starved for attention that you’d do almost anything to feel?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “When I started college, it was a whole new world for me. I met you, Elliot, and Chess, and for the first time I had real friends who actually liked me, even if I said or did something outrageous. There were men who flirted with me and didn’t want to only kiss me when it was dark or in the back seat of a car. Sex gave me the freedom to let go. Someone wanted me.Me.I could say crazy things, dress how I wanted, and there were still men who were willing to sleep with me. I mean…I don’t have to tell you.”
“But you do. I had no idea you hurt so badly. At the time, I thought you just loved sex and never wanted the same guy twice.”
He realized he’d been playing with Wolf’s hair and rubbing his cheek against the firm, muscled chest.
“At first it was a smorgasbord. I’d never seen so many willing guys, and I was ready to sample. I’ll admit there were times when I would’ve liked to see someone again, but they weren’t interested. So I moved on. There was always someone else.”
A sigh rumbled through Wolf, and he pulled Spencer off him so they faced each other. This might’ve been the longest conversation the two of them had since college, and certainly the most in-depth and introspective. He wished he’d known Wolf felt like this. Maybe they could’ve…no.
“I just want you to know that you don’t have to measure your self-worth by the number of men you sleep with. People want to be your friend even if you don’t want to have sex with them. Or they with you. You have much more to offer than your body.”
“I don’t know.”
Wolf, intuitive bastard that he was, nudged him. “You weren’t happy, were you? You said you were, but if I’d suspected for a minute you were using sex as a crutch, maybe things would’ve been different between us.”
“Are you trying to let me down easy, Wolfie? If you don’t want to sleep together, it’s fine.”
“You’re never going to stop calling me that, are you?”
Spencer grinned, and Wolf grumbled and shook his head. “Annoying little shit.”
“Ah, you love it.”
Wolf’s lips twitched. “So, do we understand each other? What happened in Milan was a mistake because if it continued, it could’ve damaged our friendship.”
