“I am too. It was nice of him to find us to tell us that.” Head bowed, she twisted her hands together. “I-I’ve never heard you talk about Claire.”
His stomach twisted. “There isn’t much for me to say. I was so young when she died. I never felt like her brother.”
Brow furrowed, she glanced up at him. “Why would you say that? What else were you?”
“A means to an end.” Over thirty years of pain broke through the silence. He’d sworn never to speak about it, but Win had helped him see he could be who he was, just Elliot, and still be loved. “I know you never loved me like you loved her. And I’m okay with that because I have Win, who loves me unconditionally.”
A sob tore from her, and he winced at the painful sound. “You’re wrong. When you were born I took one look at you and fell in love and it hurt my heart. How could I put you through such pain? But to think I’d get to have both you and Claire helped me make that decision.”
“Really?” He didn’t know whether to be skeptical or allow that kernel of hope to grow.
“And Claire was your biggest champion. She knew you were there and how you tried to help her. She said to me, ‘Mom, he’s such a little boy, and look how brave he is. He doesn’t even know what’s going on, I bet.’ And near the end she cried to me, saying she wished she could see you grow up because she knew what an amazing man you’d be.”
Tears rolled down his cheeks. “I never knew that. Why didn’t you ever tell me?” His hands balled into fists. “Why couldn’t you let me knowsomeoneloved me even if it wasn’t you?”
“We did love you. So much that I almost didn’t want to let you out of the house. Every day we dreaded you might tell us something hurts, and we’d find out you were going to be taken from us too. We watched you grow up, and we were terrified you would die. I refused to let you sign up for Driver’s Ed in school because you might get into an accident. I didn’t want to help you learn to ride a bike because what if you fell and got hurt? I knew if you got sick, this time I’d die too. So I tried not to fall in love with your laughter, in case it got taken away from me. I held myself back from loving you because I was scared. I didn’t want to love you only to lose you. Like I’d lost Claire. I never thought about how much I hurt you by not allowing myself to love you the right way.”
The buzzing in his head grew louder with every word. “You loved me?”
“Love, not loved. Very, very much. Maybe I should be grateful to that woman for saying those things to me. It woke me up out of the sleepwalking nightmare I’ve been living in since Claire died.”
“I would’ve loved to have had a sister. And parents, to be honest.”
“We were always there,” she said so weakly, Elliot knew she didn’t believe her own words.
“No, you weren’t.” Fresh off his magical night with Win, Elliot had the courage to speak his mind. “Maybe in body, but there was never ever a time where I thought I could come to you. You loved Claire, not me. Not the way you should’ve loved your child.”
“We loved you from the beginning but along the way we forgot to let you know it.” She sniffled and opened her purse to pull out a tissue and wipe her eyes and face. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not enough, but I’m so sorry for keeping you at arm’s length all these years. Do you think…maybe there’s a chance you can ever forgive us?”
For a person who made his living with words, Elliot found himself in the unusual position of not only being inarticulate but unable to speak. He wanted to jump up and say yes, but years of hurt and hope had made him cautious.
“Maybe.”
***
“Maybe?What did she say after that?”
He and Win were at Win’s house, getting dressed for dinner. After their emotional conversation at the cemetery, he and his mother came home, where Win surprised them with dinner reservations for that evening at a steakhouse the two of them had been meaning to try but hadn’t found the time for.
“I think she was happy I was willing to talk to her at all.”
Shirt unbuttoned, and with a green silk tie slung around his neck, Win sat on the bed, and Elliot still had to pinch himself that this man was his life now. It was like he’d won the Mega Millions and Powerball lottery in the same day. Lucky didn’t begin to describe his state of mind.
“What do you think you’re going to do?”
He tucked his shirt into his slacks. “I’m torn. On the one hand, do I want a relationship with my parents? Of course. It’s all I ever wanted since I was a kid. On the other, I can’t forget how alone I was growing up and that they weren’t there for me. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so stupid about relationships and falling for the wrong men all the time.”
“Until now.” Win waggled his brows, then turned serious. “And I’m not saying you should brush it all off as an, ‘Oh, well, now everything’s sunshine and roses,’ because it’s not. But as someone who’s seen families torn apart by everything from domestic violence to suicide to murder, you have a chance to if not start over, then at least work toward building a new relationship.” He finished dressing. “Don’t throw away second chances.”
“You’re pretty smart.” He wrapped his arms around Win and kissed his neck, breathing in the scent of his cologne. “And gorgeous.”
“Keep going.” Win shook with laughter. “I can cancel the reservation, and we can stay here, where you can make a list of my virtues.”
Elliot joined him in laughter. “I think we have enough lists, thank you.”
“You still have it, don’t you?”
Elliot slipped his feet into loafers. “Yes. It’s in my drawer.”
