“But it’s all you’ve got. That and your memories. I won’t tell you how lucky you were to have them, because you know. But you’re our son, and we love you, and frankly, it’s killing your mother and me to see you drowning yourself in work.”
“I love my job.”
Pride and pain blazed from his father’s eyes. “And you’re a damn good detective. Don’t think I don’t hear it from the guys I worked with who’re still on the force. But I also know that since Kevin’s death, you’ve volunteered for the most risky assignments and details.”
His mother gasped. “Win. Is that true?”
Shit.
He wanted to lie and tell them it wasn’t. But he couldn’t. Not to them.
“I want the hurt to go away. I can’t remember what it feels like to be happy without the numbness waiting for me when I go home. Every time I think I’m going to be okay, something reminds me I’m not.” He bowed his head, the agony in his parents’ faces too much to bear. “I don’t want to be like this, but I’m not sure I’m ever going to be better than I am right now. So if I take the assignments you think are risky, it’s only so I don’t have any time to dwell on the nothingness of everything else.”
At his own words, Win’s heart gave a funny twist. Elliot wasn’t nothing. And while he wasn’t in love with the man, it didn’t sound right to relegate him to that. Elliot was sweet, funny, and unexpectedly passionate, and Win hadn’t been able to forget their night together.
“Have you been dating?” his mother asked, and he didn’t miss the hope in her voice. “It doesn’t have to be serious, but a few months ago you said you were trying; we never heard anything further.”
His heart pounded. “I…I have. The first few times, it was a complete disaster. Not because of the guys. They were perfectly fine. It was me. I compared them to Kevin, and it wasn’t fair to lead them on when I already knew it wouldn’t go further.”
“The first few times?”
Damn, his mother was sharp.
“There’s a guy…I’ve seen him a few times. But before you get excited, we’re only friends. Neither of us is looking for anything serious.”
“How many times?”
“Just a few. Mom, please. I can’t make promises and say things are going to work out. I’m taking it as it comes.”
Shiny-eyed, his mother wiped her cheeks. “I understand, but you have no idea how happy I am, hearing you talk about moving forward. It’s been years since there’s been any hope at all.”
He stopped her. “Listen to me, please. I’m not going to fall in love and get married again. I had it once, and I doubt I’ll ever get that lucky again. But yes. This man—Elliot—we’ve talked and agreed to take things slowly. I’ve already told him I’m not looking for a relationship.”
His father’s hands circled his mug, and Win remembered their strength holding him up during Kevin’s funeral. “Why aren’t you? What’re you afraid of?”
His father’s question startled him into silence, and not for the first time, Win wished he could turn back time and find himself on that fateful day when Kevin had kissed him good-bye and said he was leaving for work. If only he’d held on to him longer…if only he’d accepted Kevin’s offer of a ride to work instead of driving himself…if only…if only…
“What if something happens again?”
“What if it does? What if you fall in love?” His mother took his hand. “Why would that be so bad? Every night I think of you sitting in that house by yourself, and it kills me.” She bit her lip. “I don’t think Kevin would’ve wanted you to be alone the rest of your life, mourning him.”
Pain surged through him, and he closed his eyes for a moment.
“Happy birthday, love.” Kevin handed him the gold-wrapped package.
Win opened the gift, stared at the print, and laughed.
“Winnie the Pooh?”
“Well, you do act like a little bear if you get hungry. But read it.” Kevin perched on the arm of his chair, and Win held the frame up to the light.
“‘If you live to be a hundred, I’d want to live to a hundred minus one day so I never have to live a day without you.’” Win set the print on the table. “I love you so fucking much. I don’t ever want to live without you either.” He pulled Kevin into his lap for a hungry kiss.
“I can’t take the risk. It’s better this way.” He picked up his coffee mug and drank. “Please.” He captured his parents’ concerned gazes. “I’m doing the best I can.”
His mother gave a single nod. “Then we’ll have to be satisfied. For now. And I’m happy there’s someone you can spend time with so you’re not always alone when you go home. Do you feel like telling us a little about him besides his name, like how you met…anything?”
A smile ticked up the corner of his mouth. “You held off asking for longer than I imagined. We met when his house was broken into. Lucky for him, I was coming home from my assignment and saw it happening. He lives next door to me.”
