“We moved out there to expand the agency, and you were an integral part of that plan. If you’d gone to New York for the summer, one of our busiest times, it would’ve complicated our plans. And look where we are now, all because you followed your dream. You are our future.”
Over the years I’d heard this explanation and variations of it from both my parents, but for some reason it never set my blood on fire. Instead, it filled me with dread, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was her dream and not mine.
“I have to go. I’m meeting Ross for breakfast, and I need to get a little sleep.”
“Oh, how’s he doing? Well, I hope? I always liked him.”
“Yes. He’s great. Busy with his new movie and new man.”
“That was a terrible loss. Dominic was such a sweet man and a great talent. But see? If Ross can move on and find someone new, you can too.”
“Bye, Mom.” I hung up, and though I tried as hard as I could, I couldn’t fall asleep.
* * *
“God, you look like shit. What’s wrong?” Ross had already finished his first cup of coffee and poured himself a second from the carafe the waitress had plunked down between us.
I studied him over the edge of my cup and decided the time had come to confess. “I have something to tell you.” I set my coffee on the table.
“You’re pregnant. Well, don’t think you’re going to foist this baby off on me, Mr. Green. I know we always used a condom. Maury, I demand a paternity test.” He laughed so hard, tears streamed down his face.
“Are you finished?” I folded my arms and glared at him, but Ross on a roll was not to be denied.
“Not yet. Give me a sec.” He picked up a spoon and used it as a microphone. “We have the DNA results in, and Ross…you arenotthe father.” He set the spoon down and wiped his eyes, bursts of laughter continuing to escape for a minute. “Now I’m done.”
“Does Arden know what an ass you are?”
“Arden loves my ass.” When I didn’t join in his belly laugh, Ross sobered up and peered at me. “What’s the matter? Is something really wrong?”
I almost didn’t know how to say it, because after so many years, it seemed a dumb secret to keep. “It’s really stupid now that I think of it, and I don’t know why I never told you guys, but…I’m not from California. I’m originally from here…the city.”
Ross tipped his head to the side and studied me. “New York City? Really?” His brow puckered as he continued to probe me with a sharp gaze. “Why would you think you had to keep that a secret?”
Because it hurt too much to know Roe forgot me so easily, and I wanted to wipe it all away? Helplessly, I raised my hands. “Stupidity, I guess.” My shoulders sagged. “I don’t know. I left when I was still in high school, senior year. Didn’t want to, but my parents moved the business to LA and insisted I transfer schools and come with them. They held the purse strings because I’d allowed myself to be dependent on them.”
“With that much money, it’s easy to fall into a trap. But you were a kid. I can understand why it happened.”
“I was in love with someone.” There was an incredible amount of freedom that came with saying those words out loud for the first time.
“Did he love you back?”
“I thought so…yes. I’m sure he did. I know it. We made promises that we’d write and always be there for each other. I told Roe that when I graduated I’d move back here, and we’d be together.”
“Ah, honey…is he still alive, or did something happen?”
A tremor shivered through me, knowing Ross’s pain. “No, he’s alive. I-I’ve even seen him.…That’s what I don’t understand.”
“Tell me.” Ross shifted to the seat next to mine and took my hands in his.
“In the beginning I called him, but he couldn’t really talk because his parents were always around. Plus, for me especially, I didn’t speak my feelings out loud well. It was better when we wrote to each other, which we did about once a week, sometimes more. And Roe didn’t have money. He couldn’t fly out to see me on vacations, and he couldn’t afford a cell phone or a computer.”
“And what about on your end? Did you make the effort?”
I started nodding as Ross spoke. “I did. I wrote to him, but he stopped answering my letters after the first few months. I don’t know why. Instead of coming back here for summer vacations, my parents sent me to Europe and Asia to build up the company. Any other vacation time I had, they tied me up with agency work, so I wasn’t around much.” I wrapped my hands around the cup of coffee for warmth. “But he could’ve found me if he really wanted. I figured if Roe stopped answering my letters, he didn’t want to see me anymore. So I forgot about him.”
“No, you didn’t, honey. You didn’t allow yourself to think about him because it hurt, but you never forget your first love. And you really loved him. Probably still do.”
“No. I don’t. It’s crazy…stupid even to be in love with someone when you haven’t seen them in over twenty years.” I couldn’t meet Ross’s eyes, and even though I hadn’t ever spoken of my personal life, we’d known each other too long for me to fool him.
