“You knew? I-I’d never thought…”
“I knew. I only let people see what I wanted them to. But inside? God. I was dying. I’d been used and dumped, and I swore I’d never let that happen again, so I stuffed my old life away, drowning the whispers in my head with vodka and cocaine.”
“It didn’t help, am I right? I once said the troubles we keep inside are like an evil jack-in-the-box that springs up, coming back to haunt us at every turn.”
Hearing the pain in Ash’s voice sent a shock through me, and when our eyes met, I recognized myself in those glittering, silvery depths.
“No. Nothing did. Not until I discovered I was worth the effort.” Making wet circles with the bottom of my glass, I continued to talk, all the while sneaking glances at both Oren and Ash. “When I saw you were falling for that guy—”
“Noah,” Oren said with a smile in his eyes. “His name is Noah, and he’s my fiancé now.”
“Congratulations. I mean it.” I hesitated a moment before forging ahead. “I was so angry and miserable in my own life, I wanted you to suffer like I had. I didn’t give a damn about repercussions because I didn’t think there’d be any. There never had been before.”
“You thought you were invincible.”
“Yeah.” Encouraged by his responsiveness to my story, I hitched my chair closer. “Let’s face it, I was until I snapped. I didn’t mean—”
“Yes, you did. You kissed me.” Disgust curled Oren’s lips. “It made me physically ill. I never gave any indication I was interested in you.” His trembling hands clenched on top of the table. “I didn’t want you. I never did. And you forced yourself on me.”
I’d always known Oren to be a sincere person. It was why I picked on him when he worked with me there. Like the bully I was, I sensed he wouldn’t fight back. Now I could see the damage I’d done to him went deeper than any physical scars, and my shame increased.
“I’m sorry. I know. I meant itwasme, but I was so fucked up in the head, I was out of control. I hated everyone…myself…my life. Everything.” The taste of bile rose in my throat. “Every day it got worse, seeing you there. Knowing you were living your life and I couldn’t live mine. Maybe I kissed you hoping I’d get found out and exposed. Whatever reason I can come up with doesn’t excuse me or my actions. I hurt you. I touched you against your will, and that’s never right.” Gone was the smooth talking I was famous for at meetings and in court. Now I could barely force the words past the dryness in my throat that no amount of water could quench. But I needed to do this and not be that coward any longer.
“Not a day goes by since I got my head on straight that I don’t regret what I did to you and everyone else at the firm. It was wrong, and I’m sorry for everything I said and did to you.”
The air shimmered between us, and all I heard was our collective breathing.
Oren blinked, his face paler than usual. “I’m sorry for you too. After hearing everything you went through, even after what you did to me and the others, I wouldn’t have wanted you to go through that, but you sound like you got your life back.”
I gave him a tentative smile. “Not exactly. I found a life worth living. I didn’t want back the one I’d had. It was toxic.Iwas toxic and needed to wipe the slate clean and start new.”
“So that’s what you’d like to do with me. Wipe the slate clean?”
My smile faded as I sensed his hostility, and I hastily backtracked. “No. Not at all.” I closed my eyes for a moment to marshal my jumbled thoughts. “Look, I didn’t come here thinking we’d be buddy-buddy or even ever get a cup of coffee together. I wanted you to know that I never stopped thinking about the horrible way I treated you, and I hoped that by apologizing and giving you the reason behind it, that one day you might stop hating me.”
“I’m glad to know it, for what it’s worth.” Ash tweaked at his shirtsleeves. “It takes a fair amount of courage to come here and lay yourself bare before Oren after what you did to him. And it’s only because I know the person he is that I thought it might be a good idea.” He quirked a brow and gave me a thin smile. “I honestly wasn’t quite sure what this would accomplish, but now that I’ve heard your story, I think it was a good idea. One thing I’ve learned is that it’s never good to allow hate to sit in your heart.”
“I never hated you, Harlan,” Oren said. “You were able to push me into doing what you wanted because I feared losing my job. But hate? My parents taught me hate makes people ugly.”
“True. I was an ugly, ugly person. I’m a lot less scary now that I work in a bookstore. The worst thing I can do to anyone is threaten them with a paper cut.”
The three of us shared a laugh. Then Ash stood, and I understood my time was up and followed his lead.
“Thank you for seeing and listening to me. Both of you.”
Ash circled behind his desk. “It was good for both of you, I think.”
I nodded to Oren. “Thank you. You’ll never know how much I appreciate your time and the things you said to me. And again, I don’t expect forgiveness.”
Unsmiling, Oren didn’t answer me. He opened the door and I walked out, with him on my heels.
“Good-bye, Harlan.” He held out his hand, and I took it automatically, marveling at how time really could heal the deepest wounds. “I take milk by the way, in case we ever do have that coffee.” A lingering sadness echoed in those words, and I watched Oren return to his office, leaving me in the waiting area. My eyes stung with tears and I blinked rapidly. Perhaps we would be able to put aside the past, but today would not be that day. The seed had been planted, though, and if both of us wanted to nourish it, we’d take the step. Only time would tell.
I pushed open the glass-fronted door and returned to the bookstore and Cort.
Epilogue
CORT
