“You’re correct. That’s why you’re going to sit down and wait while I call Oren in here. Then when he comes in, make sure you grovel. I’ll let you know if it’s sufficient.”
The floor reeled under my feet, and my heart dropped as I lowered myself back into the chair. “Uh, now? You want me to talk to him now?” I figured I’d have a day or two to prepare.
“Both of you are here. Is there a reason you want to wait?”
I realized Ash was right. Nothing would change by postponing the inevitable.
“No. I’m being foolish. Go ahead.” Pretending I was braver than I was, I pointed to the phone. “Call him in.”
Without giving me a second to think, Ash picked up the phone and punched a button. “Hey. Come in, please?”
The silence grew between us. “Does he know I’m here?”
Amusement glimmered in Ash’s eyes. “Of course. You aren’t a person I’d spring on someone else.” His dark brows knitted together. “Look, Harlan. I had no idea what happened to you after you left the firm and frankly didn’t care—my concern was always Oren. But when you called today, you surprised me, and I have to give you credit. Not many people can claim that.”
Before I could answer that I surprised myself, there was a knock on the door, and all thoughts flew out of my head.
“Come in,” Ash called out, his eyes latched to mine.
The door opened, and I stood. I’d recognize Oren anywhere, his dark-red hair and icy-blue eyes. He was the face I’d jerked off to or thought of whenever a girl went down on me at a club. I’d ruined my life and self-destructed because of my hidden desire for him.
Now, all I saw was a man in a suit, who gazed at me with wary concern creasing his forehead.
“Oren. Thank you for agreeing to see me. I know it can’t be easy, and I appreciate it.”
Seeing me act like a normal, civilized person instead of a drunken fool must have rendered Oren speechless, because he continued to stare at me with wide, unblinking eyes.
“Why don’t you both sit down. I’ll be here to make sure things don’t get out of hand.” Ash pointed to the long, shining conference table.
Still silent, Oren took a seat at the table and laced his hands on top, giving me a quick glimpse of a gold band on his ring finger. I took the seat opposite Oren. Ash slipped into the seat next to him.
“Uh, Ash did tell you I was coming?”
Oren raised his gaze to meet mine. “Yes, and I’ve spent the past several hours trying to figure out what you could possibly think you could say to me. And why I should even be sitting here listening.”
“Damned if I know. And I’m not saying it to be flip. Nothing I can say can make up for the years I taunted and tormented you and the way I took advantage of you at the office. I’m not here to make excuses for myself, because there aren’t any. And you can tell me to fuck off and get up and leave. But I’m hoping maybe you’ll sit and listen. At least long enough for me to say I’m sorry.”
“Why? Why should I give you the chance you never gave anyone?”
I’d forgotten what being around lawyers was like. Never answer the question, except with a question of your own.
“Because you’re a better person than me. So I’m hoping…” My clenched fist dropped to the table. “Goddammit, look, I don’t know what to say. If I tell you I was a miserable child who grew up into a worse adult, you’d roll your eyes at the poor little rich kid. I know I would. And if I could change, I would, but how do you change a whole life?”
“I guess by admitting your failures and learning from them.” The tension in the room throbbed between us. “People don’t have to forgive you because you want them to.”
“I know you’re right. It’s hard to admit you hate yourself, you know? And you know everyone else around you does as well, but you’re in that black place where nothing seems like it could ever get better, so you choose to go deeper and deeper into that darkness until you’re blind to anything except the blackness of your pain. And you hurt and hurt until the only thing you can do is try and make the hurt stop. Permanently.”
Oren stared at me, wide-eyed. “Did you…did you try to do that?”
“I wanted to. I ended up on the Brooklyn Bridge, looking down at the water, and it seemed so calm and peaceful. Like if I slipped under, everything bad I’d ever done would be washed away. But hope in the shape of a cowboy named Cort came to my rescue and made me see I had something to live for.”
“I’m glad. Much as I hated you, Harlan, I wouldn’t have wanted that. I’m glad you have a friend to lean on. I’m guessing Toby isn’t in the picture?”
A snort of laughter escaped me. “That idiot?” At Oren’s raised brows, I shook my head. “He was the biggest damn fool I ever met. He dropped me the second I was let go. I’m still not sure whether it was because I was no longer with the firm and couldn’t party with him, or that I’m bisexual.”
I gulped down the glass of water Ash had poured while I spoke. Hearing the words said out loud to these men made it more real than ever before, and knowing I had Cort waiting for me made it more important. I almost smiled at Oren’s shocked expression.
“Yeah. That’s right. I’m bisexual. Another thing I managed to hide from everyone.”
