“Did he die? No, you said you almost killed your partner, so he’s still alive, right?”
Not trusting himself to speak, Sam nodded, fighting to draw his breath past the dryness in his throat. Still holding on to Zach, never wanting to let go.
“So it all turned out okay then.” Zach rubbed his back in slow circles.
Hard to explain to civilians—it’s not okay to unload your weapon unless absolutely necessary; you never want to shoot or hurt another human being. And most officers never do; in his twenty years, that was only the second time Sam had ever fired his weapon in the line of duty.
“No, it didn’t,” he said flatly. “Someone saw me on my phone; taken a picture in fact and forwarded it to my commanding officer. But because I was the right age and had a spotless record, they allowed me to retire without bringing me up on departmental charges.”
“Oh.”
The disappointment in the timbre of Zach’s monosyllabic response hurt like hell, more than he thought it would. Fearing Zach’s disapproval, Sam did what he knew best and withdrew, schooling his expression to careful, numb neutrality.
“Luckily, Santiago—my partner—came out of it okay. I spoke to him about it before I retired.”
“I’m sure he didn’t blame you.”
Sam harsh laugh was nothing if not incredulous. “Of course he blamed me; they all did and with every right. I screwed up, and he survived only by pure dumb luck.” Regret stung his heart, but Sam refused to let it break him.
“Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, it shows heart and compassion. I’m sure Santiago must have forgiven you.”
Sam agreed begrudgingly. “He said he did…”
“But you don’t believe it because you haven’t forgiven yourself. You have a need to beat yourself up bloody until your suffering exceeds the pain you caused your partner.”
He had nothing to say because Zach was right, so he sat in stony silence.
“You tell me I shouldn’t hide away and I’m worth more than I think, yet here you are, doing the same thing yourself.”
“It’s not the same; you were a victim. I caused my own problem by not following the rules. And it cost me everything.” His voice caught. “All I ever wanted to be was a cop; I didn’t know anything else. It was hard enough being gay on the force; at least I thought my personal life was settled at last. But even that failed and now I have nothing.”
“Are you sure about that?”
Zach’s eyes drew him in. Pure and honest, they shone with a bright clarity he hadn’t seen until now.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know if you’re being deliberately obtuse or if I’m saying it so badly you honestly don’t understand.” Exasperated, but with a hint of laughter on his lips, Zach kissed him. “You have me, you big idiot. Don’t you realize it by now?”
Chapter Nineteen
Notnormallythe aggressor, the time seemed ripe for Zach to take care of Sam, to show with his body what he held in his heart.
“It’s taken years for me to get to the point where I would want to be held and touched,” he said, fingers ghosting over the scratchy stubble of Sam’s jaw. All that roughness pressing up against him weakened Zach with burgeoning desire. “And yet it hadn’t ever been right until you were the one doing it. And each time we’re together is better than the last. It still scares the hell out of me.”
His lips brushed Sam’s, his tongue tracing the strong line of Sam’s jaw. “But not having you is no longer an option.”
“You’ve got me, baby. I’m right here for you.”
His heartbeat accelerating, Zach dipped his head down for another kiss. Sam’s lips tasted like hope and desire and everything Zach had ever wanted. Caught up in their escalating fire, they pulled off each other’s clothes, running into the bedroom and winding up lying naked and panting on the bed.
With a sureness he’d never exhibited before now, Zach kissed a path down Sam’s chest, pausing to lap and tease at his nipples. Hearing Sam groan under his lips spurred Zach on, and he shifted south until he was faced with Sam’s cock.
He was beautifully hard, the tip wet and glistening. Zach ached to feel it inside him, but first wanted a taste of Sam in his mouth and swirled his tongue around the thick head. Sam touched his shoulder with his fingertips.
“Zach…”
Hearing Sam sigh his name, Zach cast his gaze to the head of the bed and smiled at the sight of his lover. Slack-jawed and with a blissful grin curving his lips, Sam was beautiful. Closing his eyes, Zach enveloped Sam’s cock in his mouth, sliding his lips down the thick shaft. He tasted of promises to come and warm nights; of aching desire and passion.
