Sam crushed his mouth over Zach’s in a harsh, desperate kiss, and Zach sagged against him, his arms clamped around Sam’s neck. The hard, almost angry way Sam held him, instead of sending Zach into a panic, reassured him. If Sam didn’t yet understand, Zach did. Sam’s fear personified the deep emotional connection he had yet to put into words in the way their mouths fused together, and his heart hammered against Zach’s.
The air turned chill, and Zach shivered, despite the heat pouring off Sam’s body. Sam broke their kiss and hugged Zach close to his chest. “Let’s get you back to the blanket. I’m sorry I couldn’t get your glasses.”
“It’s okay; I have other pairs at home.” He shivered again.
Half dragging Zach through the water and sand, Sam brought him back to the blanket and draped the extra towels over him, until Zach found himself buried in a mountain of terrycloth.
“Stop,” he protested. “You saved me from drowning, and now you’re going to smother me.” He rubbed his head with one to stop the water from dripping in his eyes and down his face.
“I, I got scared.” Breathing heavily, Sam sat near, but not close enough to touch him. “I thought you were drowning and then I grabbed you—”
“It’s fine.I’m fine.” Zach reassured Sam and tossed the wet towel behind him on the blanket.
“I heard you yell, and it was the scariest sound I ever heard in my life.” Sam’s chest heaved. “Then you got knocked over by the wave and disappeared, and I thought I was gonna lose you.” He scrubbed his face with his hands, and Zach was close enough to see his pale skin, slightly wild eyes, and wet hair flat against Sam’s head. “To know your last words would be you crying out for help almost killed me. I couldn’t let that happen.”
Asking for help had never been easy for Zach. He’d learned to internalize his suffering or to skate by his feelings without ever touching below the surface. Telling Julian and Marcus wouldn’t have served any purpose; they’d never liked Nathan or understood his dogged devotion to him. But they’d been born with a sense of self-worth and swagger. Zach was convinced he was shy from birth. Some people are natural leaders and others tend to follow along in their wake. Zach had always been a follower, until Sam showed him how to walk together, side by side.
“He used to hurt me,” said Zach, blurting out the ugly truth he’d kept hidden all these years. “Myboyfriendin college, who I was so thrilled to have, would verbally abuse and humiliate me. I thought I loved him; I let him make fun of me in front of other people, knock down my self-esteem any time I’d get praise.” Ashamed at what Sam must think, Zach studied the wet sand clumped between his toes. “Nathan said I was too sensitive and couldn’t take a joke. Then he started in on the physical. No one knew.”
“You never said anything to anyone; not even Marcus or Julian? They never guessed what was happening?” Sam’s questions were kindly, though Zach could sense the seething anger banked behind his voice.
“I was lucky Marcus and Julian wanted to be friends with me.” He huffed out a self-conscious laugh, but even after all these years, a small part of Zach still harbored the conviction that he wasn’t good enough.
“I was scared and ashamed, so no, to answer your question, I never said anything; what man would? In my eyes I wasn’t a real man to let myself get pushed around like that. It took me years to get past it.” The lump in his throat made it virtually impossible to swallow without pain, but he forced himself to hold Sam’s troubled gaze. “That’s why it was perfect hanging out in my basement where my mother basically left me alone. When Marcus and Julian pushed me to come to the club and meet guys, it made me want to shrivel up and hide. I didn’t want to get close to people and let them touch me; why would they want to?”
All that seemed like it had happened to a different person so many years ago. Perhaps it had, because Zach could no longer see himself as that helpless ever again.
“But I want you to know when you touch me, I don’t ever want you to stop. That’s a whole different kind of scared.”
Chapter Eighteen
Thesunsat in the sky, its heavy presence like a juicy, overripe peach throwing the sweetness of its late afternoon rays over the water and sand. The fiery glow heralded the end of another summer day to be tucked into the memory books; but Sam could see in Zach’s unfocused eyes he wasn’t admiring nature’s beauty, nor did he want to remember his past.
There was no hiding from it though, our past shapes our future, and Sam could no more disassociate himself from his own failed relationship than Zach could. Each of them handled it differently, and in their own self-destructive ways. Zach, who hid away and believed, despite all his achievements, that he wasn’t a man worth getting to know, and him, by cutting off social contact completely.
“Did you ever get any help?” Sam prayed Zach would say yes but didn’t hold much hope.
“Yeah, I did, even though I already knew what they would tell me; low self-esteem, struggling with being gay, too wrapped up in his mother, blah, blah, blah.” Grimacing, Zach tried to wiggle the sand off his toes.
“They can be very helpful sometimes; it’s good to let it all out and have someone sit there and listen.”
“They did nothing.” Zach’s eyes spit fire, his face tight with remembered pain. “I sat there and spilled my guts to them, and all they did was tell me how I need to get to the unresolved issues of my sexuality. I have none. I’ve never doubted who I am.” He dug his heels into the sand, burying his feet. “I needed someone to tell me why I still panic sometimes when people touch me; why a person can call me invisible when I sit in the room with them, why I never make an impression.”
His face stony with hurt and anger, Zach jumped up and walked back to the shoreline, his silhouette forlorn against the backdrop of the pounding tide.
Shocked at that outburst, Sam scrambled to his feet and caught up with him. Zach said nothing as they continued their walk along the ocean’s edge.
“I don’t think you really still believe that about yourself anymore. Maybe you went to the wrong person.”
The tide came in and the water swirled around their ankles, spraying up their legs. Sam took Zach’s hand and held it tight, afraid he might be losing him to the shadows of his past.
“No, you’re right, I don’t. It was so hurtful at the time, and it fed my insecurities for years. I don’t doubt myself as much, but I don’t ever think I’ll have the self-confidence my friends do.”
They walked up the rapidly emptying beach; gone were the screaming young children and loud salsa music from the radios. It was them, the seagulls, and the waves.
“Who says you have to?” Sam stopped and faced Zach. “No two people are alike, that would be boring as hell. It would be a universe where everyone acted the same and eventually looked the same. Who wants a world full of robots?” He tightened his grip on Zach’s hand and tugged him closer. “I don’t need you to change; you fascinated me right from the start.”
Zach blinked and wet his lips. “Me? I didn’t do anything.”
