“Don’t start what you can’t finish. At least until later.”
Laughing at Sam’s pitiful excuse for a threat, Zach tossed a crumpled napkin at him. “Let’s go to the beach. I want my walk by the water.”
They cleaned up their trash and threaded their way past the crowds to walk onto the boardwalk. Though crowded, it was late enough that the families with young children had started packing up, getting ready to brave the drive or subway ride home with sunburned, sun-exhausted children. Zach didn’t envy them.
“There’s a good spot.” Sam pointed to a large swath of empty sand. “Let’s go there.”
The closer to the ocean, the stronger the pull it had on Zach. His toes dug into the warmed sand and neither the hawkers selling water on the beach nor the loud music playing from a nearby radio detracted from his enjoyment. This was where he was his happiest. Something about the water and the sand called to him, and he made up his mind, this would be the year he’d buy that dream house by the ocean he’d always wanted and fall asleep listening to the quiet shush of the waves.
They shook out the blanket and set it out on the sand, along with the towels. Sam placed the cooler on one end to keep the blanket from flapping in the breeze.
“Good, right?” Sam kicked off his flip-flops and held out his hand. “Let’s go to the water.” He wiggled his fingers and flipped down his sunglasses with his other hand. “We can walk off all that food, and I can feel more virtuous than if I sat on the sand like a blob.”
The sun beat hot on his shoulders through his thin tee shirt, and Zach dropped the now-empty bag on the blanket. The sound of the waves and Sam standing, waiting for him with an outstretched hand, framed by the bright blue sky and soaring waves, made for a perfect picture. He jammed a cap on his head, kicked off his flip-flops, and took Sam’s hand. “Let’s go.”
The sand burned on their bare feet and both he and Sam raced to the ocean’s edge to cool off in the encroaching tide. Wordlessly they stood, the water lapping cool against their ankles, their toes sinking in the wet, mushy sand. To Zach’s surprise, Sam inched his foot close and tickled Zach’s toes with his own.
“You have such a peaceful look on your face.” His thumb stroked Zach’s palm. “Like everything is right in the world.”
“It is when I’m here. That’s what the beach does to me,” he admitted. “Like I told you before, the happiest memory I have of my father and me was at the beach. I’d like to think he would have still loved me the same, even when I told him I was gay.”
Every month he’d drive out to the cemetery to visit his father’s grave. Zach would sit on the bench he had placed there and talk to his father about his life, and how much Zach still missed him. His mother’s insistence on visiting the grave weekly when he was young had given him a different perspective on life than that of most kids his age. For more than half of Zach’s life, death had played a significant part.
Sadness, like a veil drawn over Sam’s face, chased away the smile and humor from his eyes. “I never got the chance to know my father well. He was away for most of my life and died on the job.”
“What did he do, was he a cop as well?”
“He was an undercover narcotics agent with the FBI.”
“Oh, Sam.” Zach slipped his arm around Sam’s waist. “I’m so sorry. It must’ve been so hard on you and your mother.”
“She didn’t care,” he said, bitterness rising off his words to hang like an accusatory cloud between them. “It took her a whole month of mourning before she moved on with her life, leaving me and my father’s memory behind.” His jaw flexed tight. “I could never forget him though. Even though he was home so infrequently, it was like a holiday when I’d wake up and he’d be there. He’d take me to the park and play ball…”
“It sounds like he loved you very much.”
Sam shrugged, digging a divot in the sand with his toes. The tide rushed in, smoothing it back to its original, unblemished surface. If only the human heart and spirit could be healed as easily. “I dunno.” For the first time he sounded unsure to Zach; like a lost little boy searching for help.
“How could you think not? You’re a big strong guy; you became a policeman. I’m sure he would be proud.”
The spray of the water hit them then, and some screaming children rushed past, kicking up the water as they threw themselves into the waves. Moving closer to Sam, Zach watched the lines deepen on his face and the clenched jaw indicating his internal struggle. With a gentle touch, Zach rubbed Sam’s back, between his shoulder blades. He tensed at first, then relaxed, humming with approval under his breath.
“Sounds like we both have some unresolved issues that need discussing, but for now we should put them on hold. What do you say?” Zach continued stroking Sam’s back, fingers digging into the muscles of his shoulders, dipping down to trace the vertebrae of Sam’s spine.
Like a cat in the sun, Sam arched into his touch. “Feels good.”
“I give good back rubs.” Zach squeezed Sam’s shoulder. “If you’re nice, I’ll treat you to one later.”
Giving him an amused smile, Sam said nothing, continuing to stare out at the water. Sensing from the troubled expression on his face Sam was working something out in his head, Zach remained silent, giving the man his space. No longer at its zenith, the sun still remained hot in the sky, and Zach contemplated taking off his shirt to cool down.
When it seemed apparent Sam wasn’t ready to talk, Zach pulled off his shirt and after tossing it on the sand, waded into the foamy surf. He had no qualms about getting his shorts wet; they were mostly nylon and would dry quickly. Besides, they were at the beach; how could he not go in the water?
Small waves buffeted him, but Zach jumped them with ease, going deeper into the water until it was up to his chest. The familiar sense of peace stole through him, and he laughed from the sheer joy of being in his favorite place on earth, closing his eyes and turning his face up to the sun and its warmth.
Without warning, he was knocked under water, a wave sweeping him off his feet. He choked, lost his glasses, and his mouth filled with salt water. Flailing about, terrified, Zach couldn’t breathe. He swallowed some water and battled upward through the pull of the current. Was he going to die now, after finally making peace with his life? Frantic with alarm, he kicked his way back up to the surface.
Strong arms pulled him up to the surface, and he coughed and spit up salt water before dragging in deep breaths of air. Plastered up against Sam’s wet shirt, Zach looked up into his concerned yet furious face and smiled weakly.
“Thanks.”
