It almost choked Luke to hear the silly, teasing nickname. His anger rose, and that, along with the hurt and disappointment ricocheting through him, almost broke him. “Don’t call me that.” He lashed out as the traitorous tears stung his eyes. “That was from another time, when you loved and cared about me. When you promised to always be there for Brandon and me. You gave up that right. But you knew what Munson was and you still left, didn’t you? What happened, Ash? Did he come to you one night, and you freaked out so badly you ran away?” Ash shook his head, but Luke ignored him. “I looked up to you, and it broke me to my knees to know you cared so little. I thought you were my real brother. I wanted you to be. And Brandon.” The tears rained down Luke’s cheeks. “He was innocent; a little boy who adored you. I thought we were a family. But you didn’t love us like that.”
“That wasn’t it. You don’t understand.”
“Then make me, goddamn you.” He slammed his hand so hard on the table that Sasha yelped and ran out. “Make me understand how you could say you loved us and yet leave us there. Make me understand how I was left alone to protect Brandon from that bastard.”
“You want to understand?” Ash thrust his chair so hard behind him it tipped over and fell. His teeth bared in a snarl. “Fine, yeah, I’ll tell you. I knew. That’s right.” He braced his hands on the table, leaning across into Luke’s stunned face. “I fucking knew what he was. How? Because I let him touch me instead of you. I let him fucking rape me instead of you.”
Tears poured down Ash’s face as Drew slid his arms around Ash’s waist. But Ash never took his eyes off Luke, who sat, breathless and reeling from shock and horror. “Every time he touched me, I wanted to die. But I held on so he wouldn’t ever do to you and Brandon what he did to me. For three years that bastard came to me with a sick smile and told me if I didn’t let him fuck me or if I didn’t blow him, he’d make you do it.” Ash closed his eyes for a moment, tears spilling out from the corners of his eyelids, wetting his cheeks. “He said he’d take Brandon too. So I had to let him. I couldn’t let him touch you, and Brandon was just a little kid. After a while, I was a body, a shell. It wasn’t me he was having sex with.” He swallowed hard. “It was something he did to someone else.”
Luke could barely breathe. “Ash, stop. You don’t have to—”
“Oh yes, I fucking have to, don’t you see? That bastard stole everything from us. Our childhood, our innocence. Our dreams.” Ash dropped his head in his hands. “He stole my life.”
The world could explode right outside, and Luke wouldn’t notice. He bit down and tasted the metallic tang of his own blood. Without even realizing what he was doing, he walked around the table to Ash and grabbed one of his hands. Ash’s palm, clammy and cold, shook in Luke’s grip. They locked gazes, and Luke fell into the wasteland of Ash’s eyes.
“For all these years it’s eaten me alive inside, the guilt, the hatred I have for myself.” The short, smooth nails of Ash’s fingers dug into Luke’s skin, but Luke made no protest. The only thing that mattered now was hearing Ash’s story. Luke concentrated on the movement of Ash’s lips as the rest of the room spun away.
“You didn’t know; how could you? I never wanted you to. But there comes a time, a breaking point. I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to be strong, to stay and watch out for you and Brandon, but I was dying inside.” He pulled Luke to sit next to him, and Luke willingly sank into the chair. The truth could sometimes be more devastating than what the imagination dreamed up. Never in his wildest dreams had he thought Ash had been a victim.
“I wanted so many times to end it all, and almost succeeded, but then I found Drew. He forced me to get into therapy. Over the past year I’ve begun to see it wasn’t all my fault. That sometimes outside influences force a person’s hand to do things they never imagined. And that maybe I also deserved that happy ending other people always got.” Ash looked down at their entwined hands. “And I didn’t want to die, really, without ever finding out that maybe you would forgive me.”
Drew slipped his arms around Ash. “Ash still needs to learn to forgive himself.”
Dread filtered through the fog in Luke’s brain. “What do you mean, you tried to end it all?” He caught the quick look between the two of them. Jordan appeared at his side, but Luke barely registered his presence. “Tell me,” he begged Ash. “Please.”
Jordan’s hands came down on Luke’s shoulders, and they shared a glance. “Do you know what he’s talking about?”
Jordan shook his head. “Not a clue.” He bent to whisper in Luke’s ear. “Considering his fragile state, do you think you should continue?”
“Did I hear correctly? Dr. Jordan Peterson expressing sympathy toward me? This truly is a night of firsts.” Ash’s sad, weak smile was a shadow of its usual devil-may-care self. “Lukie, sometimes things are better off remaining buried in the shadows. I’m sure you have things in your past you want to forget.”
“I whored myself when I got out of the hospital.” Luke blurted to the stunned faces around him. Jordan’s grip tightened on his shoulders.
Never taking his eyes off Ash’s devastated face, Luke patted Jordan’s hand. “It’s okay. Let me speak.” He stood, continuing to hold Ash’s hand. “I’d like to go into the living room with Ash if that’s okay. Give us a little time to sort things out together.” He kissed Jordan’s cheek. “I love you.”
“I’m so proud of you.” Jordan gave him a brief, hard hug. Luke, still holding Ash’s hand, walked with him in silence to the front of the house. He sat on one end of the sofa and Ash at the other. For several minutes, Luke stared at his brother. No matter the years that had passed and the anger he’d nurtured and lived on these years, this man was his blood as if they had been born to the same mother.
As he relayed his story of hitchhiking up to Washington DC and what the truck drivers made him do, the horror on Ash’s face eventually turned to tears. He buried his face in his hands and sobbed.
“Oh God, it’s all my fault. I should’ve never run away. I should’ve stayed, no matter what he was doing to me, and looked out for you.” He gulped and wiped his streaming eyes.
Before tonight, Luke would’ve agreed. But after hearing the devastating story of Ash’s own years of abuse, Luke finally understood why Ash had to leave. A breaking point. The point of no return. And Ash had been a child as well when all this happened to him. He’d hidden it so well; Luke never suspected a thing. But then again, they all had their secrets.
“Remember the summers when we used to go fishing in the creek down the road?” It had been a treat to get away from the heat of the house and spend a day in the cool shade of the trees. He and Ash would take their makeshift fishing poles and a basket of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and spend afternoons with their toes in the icy running water. They talked about being gay in a small town and how they had to hide it from everyone at school.
“Yeah.” Ash leaned back and toyed with the sofa cushion tassel. His eyes had that faraway look, of another time and place. “I remember every minute. I taught you everything I knew.” Those fathomless, diamond-bright eyes turned to him. “The only good in my life came from you. You and Brandon. When I left, I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn’t listen to me. I was merely another gay runaway kid. And of course, since Munson was a cop, why would they believe me—a homeless kid nobody cared about. Once I had the resources, though, I never stopped looking for you.”
That Luke could believe. For years he’d known someone was trying to find him, even as far back as him living in the shelter. Wanda had told him of people asking questions about a Lucas Carini.
“My investigator is still out there searching for Brandon. I can’t rest or forgive myself completely until I know what’s happened to him.” Ash wiped the tears off his face with trembling fingers.
“Tell me about Drew.”
It was as if a hand had come by and smoothed away the tension and worry from Ash’s face. All the harsh planes and furrows softened, and he transformed into a different person. “Until I met Drew, I was drifting through life, screwing everyone I met. He saved me. There’s no one else like him.” The lightness faded from his eyes. “If I hadn’t met him…” Ash shook his head but said no more.
The feeling of dread returned from their earlier conversation. “You said earlier you wanted to die. Did you try and kill yourself, Ash?” Even in his most desolate times, Luke had never thought to end his life. Perhaps his anger had kept him alive.
Shooting him an unreadable look, Ash hesitated a moment, then reached down and unbuttoned his shirtsleeve. With growing horror, Luke watched as Ash rolled up the cuff and revealed the twisted, ugly scars of his past.
