“Asher…” The words caught in Luke’s throat at the pain and heartbreak for his brother who had, unbeknownst to him, suffered so much guilt. He left his seat to join Ash at his end of the sofa. “Why?” The marks, though ugly, weren’t new, thank God. They twisted around his wrist and forearm in snakelike patterns, weaving around in thin white lines. Some, however, were thicker and told a deeper story of the torment Ash had lived through all those lost years.
“It was the only control I had over my body, the only thing Munson couldn’t take from me. I decided what to do.” The words came out in a heartbroken whisper. “And when I’d think of you and Brandon and how I’d failed you, I wanted to hurt myself as punishment for my cowardice and shame. It doesn’t matter anymore. In therapy I’ve learned to stop blaming myself for what I couldn’t control, and to control what I can but never hurt myself in the process. Because I’m worth something.”
“Oh Ash.” Without thinking, Luke put his arms around his brother for the first time in years and let go of the chains around his heart. In order to love Jordan the right way, he needed this reconciliation with Ash. It was time for him to forgive. Let go of the pain and anger he’d lived with for so long. Let go of the shame of his birth and childhood. There’d been so much damage done to them that they’d had no control over. Who was he to decide who should be forgiven and who should be held up for blame? He was no fucking God, that was for certain. And he’d made enough mistakes in his own life that not only did he ask for forgiveness, he expected it.
Who was he to deny Ash that same right?
That list he’d made all those years ago of past hurts and pain that had dominated his life had little meaning. The memories of the abuse they’d endured would always be there, but together, he and Ash could lock it away in its rightful place as a reminder of where they’d come from and how far they’d moved on.
“You are so worth it. We both are. I’m sorry we both suffered. We aren’t the same kids we were back in Georgia, and thankfully we don’t ever have to go back to those days. Whatever we do now, we have the chance to make it right.” He took Ash’s hands in his. “Let me help you search for Brandon. It’s killing me to think he’s alone. The three of us always promised to stick together, no matter what.”
“All for one and one for all, remember?” said Ash with a shaky laugh.
The Three Musketeers. That’s what they’d called themselves when Brandon came to live with them. Luke smiled at the memory. “I carried that book for years with me. I never forgot it. And I never forgot you.”
Serious once again, Ash looked him straight in the eyes. “We can still do it, can’t we? Become the family we’d always dreamed about?”
When he was a boy, Luke had often cried at night, wishing he had a mother to hold him and kiss him when he had bad dreams. As he grew older, he’d learned some nightmares were beyond the help of a mother’s love. But family wasn’t always made up of blood. It wouldn’t come easy, this reconciliation. Ash’s battle with guilt was a daily fight, and Luke still struggled with his own shame and the need to hide behind his walls. Yet the yearning to reconnect, to forge those bonds of brotherhood they’d sworn to so long ago, that’s what he would focus on and work toward. And now they had the search for Brandon as the starting point to help rebuild their broken relationship. How many people got a second chance?
A noise from the hallway drew his attention. The soft light from the chandelier gilded the gold of Jordan’s hair and Drew’s pale skin as they stood in the doorway. Sasha sat at their feet. The loving look Drew gave to Ash and the fiercely proud smile Jordan wore were all he needed.
“I think we already have that covered.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
If there was anything better than a warm bed on a cool morning, Jordan hadn’t found it yet. With a sleepy sigh of contentment, he hooked his foot around Lucas’s hairy calf to tug him closer. Lucas’s warm arms encircled Jordan.
“What’s the matter, Prep School? Didn’t get enough of me last night?” With his face planted in the curve of Jordan’s neck, Lucas’s words came out muffled, but Jordan grinned at the petulant growl that filtered through. Lucas hated waking up early. Unfortunately for Lucas, Jordan, having gone through internship and residency, had never learned to sleep late, and he was nothing if not a greedy son of a bitch. He wanted Lucas, and he wanted him now.
“No.” Jordan pushed his ass into the heat of Lucas’s thighs and bumped up against his thick early-morning erection. Now that Jordan was coming off his Xanax dependency and was clean for the first time in almost a year, his body hummed and sensations burned through his bloodstream, lighting a trail of fire in their wake. The landscape of his existence had changed from a dull gray to one of color, light, and sound, as if it were dipped in an artist’s palette.
“I’m alive and so are you. We’re going to be all right.” Forgetting for a moment how much he wanted Lucas inside him, Jordan turned around to talk to him face-to-face. “We’re like people who’ve survived some terrible disaster. For a while we walk around shell-shocked, disbelieving it could happen to us.”
Lucas’s arm tightened around him, but he said nothing.
“Sooner or later, though, we wake up and look around us, wondering what went on in the world while we took a hiatus from life and mourned. It’s like after a fire, you know?” Jordan played with Lucas’s silky hair, winding the curls around his fingers. “You go back and tentatively pick through the ash and debris, trying to piece together what remains of the life you left behind. You hope and pray there’s enough left to keep your memories alive.”
“Sometimes, though, it’s best to let the past remain where it is and try to make a fresh start. Not all memories are pleasant,” Lucas said.
How he loved this man. Jordan traced the line of Lucas’s cheekbone with his fingertips. The throwaway children became discarded adults, with only the strong surviving. And strength, as he’d learned over the past year, took the shape of many different people. Like Drew, who’d faced a life change and embraced it head-on, giving Ash all his love and his heart to help him. And Ash, who’d discovered he was stronger than he thought and a man worth more than anonymous, hurried sex. A man worth loving.
And Lucas. Strong, silent Lucas, who’d struggled with his shame and shut out the world, fearing its judgment.
“Do you know what the best thing about memories is?” Jordan kissed Lucas, burying his face in Lucas’s neck, inhaling his intoxicating smell. The swell of his cock brushed against Lucas’s already healthy erection.
“What? And this better not be a long answer.” Lucas rolled over and straddled him, hazel eyes gleaming in the morning brightness. “I have to go to work, and I want you now.” He bent over and began trailing his tongue down Jordan’s neck and chest.
“Every day”—Jordan gasped, arching under the wetness of Lucas’s mouth—“you get to make new ones. Like we do.” He writhed as Lucas licked the head of his cock. “Oh God.”
“Time to stop talking.” Lucas lapped along the veiny ridge of Jordan’s cock and slid his mouth down, engulfing him. He drew hard and tight along Jordan’s length, sucking hard until Jordan hit the back of his throat.
“Lucas, fuck.” Jordan’s whole world spun to a pinpoint of color, whirling like a crazy kaleidoscope behind his tightly shut eyes. “Please, please,” he begged.
Lucas, who knew him better even than he knew himself, understood what he craved and demanded. And for the first time since they’d become lovers, it was them alone in their bed. No drug running through Jordan’s bloodstream, whispering like a dark lover, sinking its fangs into his mind. His heart no longer rocketed about in his throat, and his skin didn’t drip with sweat and fear.
And Lucas? He walked without pain, free of the self-loathing and humiliation that had taunted him like an evil clown from the recesses of his mind. He’d revealed his shame and was still loved.
As Lucas entered Jordan’s body, his heated breath whispering across Jordan’s face, they moved together, their bodies offering and accepting. The burn of the fullness and stretch completed Jordan, pleasure curling around his spine, building to a crescendo of want and need that sent him spinning off into a blinding golden haze. Lucas’s heavy hands pinned him to the bed, sinking Jordan into the softness of the mattress as Lucas drove himself deeper and deeper.
