Lucas had no response except to tighten his arm around Jordan’s shoulder, but Jordan wasn’t fooled. The dog pulled them here and there down the block, while they discussed what Jordan planned to make for dinner. A young man rose from a neighbor’s stoop and approached them. Sasha growled in warning, pressing her body across both his and Lucas’s path.
“What the hell?” Lucas’s arm tightened around Jordan. With a sinking heart, Jordan recognized Johnny, his former dealer.
“It’s okay, Lucas. I know who this is.” No more lies, no subterfuge. “It’s the guy I bought my pills from.”
“Yeah, I’m his dealer. Whassa matter, Doc? Too fancy to call it what it really is?” Johnny sneered at Jordan, his pale, sharp-featured face twitching, dark eyes darting side to side.
“Call yourself what you want, Johnny. I told you before, I’m not buying what you’re selling anymore.” Jordan put a restraining hand on Lucas’s shoulder. “Don’t engage him. It’s not worth it.”
“Yeah, tell pretty boy here I ain’t gonna touch you. I ain’t no queer.” Johnny’s thin lips curled in obvious disgust. “But my boss don’t like that community center, and he don’t like you hanging around with no cops. He knows what you’re up to, and you better not be plannin’ on setting me up or nothing.”
“Listen you little punk—” Lucas took a step forward, but Jordan held on to his arm, holding him back.
“It’s all right. Let him have his say, and then he can go.” Jordan had no intention of ever speaking with this kid again. He’d hoped after the last time that Johnny would simply disappear. “I told you before, I don’t need what you’re selling any longer.”
Johnny gave him a hard stare, then brushed his hair out of his eyes. “Make sure you keep your mouth shut, and don’t talk to the cops.” He turned on his heel and ran down the block.
Sasha let out a gruff, growling bark at his receding back, and Jordan expelled a loud breath he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding. Lucas remained silent by his side, but Jordan knew he’d want to discuss what had happened. He had every right to know. “We can talk, but let’s go inside first, okay?”
Lucas nodded, and they walked the short distance to Jordan’s front entrance. Sasha bolted inside as soon as the front door opened and headed straight for the kitchen and her dish of dry food, while Jordan hefted the grocery bags up on the wide countertop. “Do you want a drink? There’s beer in the fridge or wine on the side table. Stronger stuff is in the living room.”
“I remember, darlin’.” Lucas opened the refrigerator and took out a bottle of beer. “Want one?” He wiggled the bottle at Jordan.
A shiver rippled through him. Damn, he loved that sexy little drawl that came out only when Lucas was truly relaxed. “No, thanks. I’m going to have some red wine.”
“I’ll pour it for you.”
Jordan began preparing their dinner of steaks, baked potatoes, and roasted broccoli, but became distracted by the sight of Lucas opening the wine. The muscles in his back and shoulders flexed under his shirtsleeves as Lucas pulled the cork out of the bottle, and Jordan envisioned Lucas lying underneath him in bed, naked, spread out, and open to him. His breathing quickened.
“Jordan,Jordan.” Lucas stood in front of him, holding a glass of red wine, a smirk on his handsome face. “What the hell were you thinking that had you so far away, hmm?”
Jordan took the glass out of Jordan’s hand and kissed him. “You’ll have to wait and find out, now won’t you?” He sipped his wine and returned to preparing dinner. They chatted about inconsequential things as the food cooked. Lucas set the table, and as they sat down to eat, it struck Jordan how comfortable the two of them were together in this house. How definite and real. He waited for the throb of pain that usually accompanied his thoughts of Keith, but it didn’t come. Loving Lucas didn’t mean forgetting Keith and all they’d shared. The last obstacle that had trapped his heart had been hurdled, and Jordan blinked back tears. That choking fog of despair lifted its curtain, bringing fresh white light into his soul once again.
Setting him free.
“You’re thinking of him, aren’t you?” Lucas put down his knife and fork. “It’s okay. I understand.”
No, he didn’t, and Jordan knew he had to make Lucas understand once and for all. “It’s not regret. It’s with a sense of joy, and a little bit of fear as well.”
“Why fear? What are you afraid of?”
Jordan picked up his wineglass and stared into its ruby depths. “Of happiness and that it might get snatched away again. Of seeing all the beauty life has to offer, and knowing I’d be missing out if I kept myself shut away.” Jordan took a deep breath, then exhaled and spoke from the heart. “Of loving you so much and having you always wonder if I love you enough.”
This kind of talk required him to be touching Lucas, letting him know how deep the emotional connection between the two of them really went. Jordan placed his wineglass back on the table. He moved over next to Lucas and slipped his arms around Lucas’s neck to hug him close. “I don’t want you to live with doubts, wondering if I really want you. You’re not a stand-in for Keith, nor am I comparing the two of you.”
Skin to skin and chest to chest, the sound of Lucas’s pounding heartbeat filled Jordan. “I love you, Lucas. I love you for who you are and who you’ve made me.”
“I didn’t change you. I don’t want to.” Lucas took Jordan’s face between his hands. “I said to myself the first time I met you, you’d be trouble for me. Your pride and your damned spirit turned me on like nothing else ever had before.”
Jordan grinned. “And here I thought it was my good looks.”
Lucas remained serious. “Darlin’, you looked like shit that day. I knew I was seeing a man who’d been through hell and back, and I couldn’t relate. I’ve never loved anyone before, so your behavior seemed so foreign to me.”
But Jordan knew Lucas could never be happy again unless he faced up to his feelings about Ash. It was high time he did. “That’s not true; you have loved before. And I know you’re going to get angry with me, but you still do love him.” Jordan refused to look away from Lucas’s face, even as it tightened in anger.
“Stop it. I’m not going to talk to him. Ash and I have nothing to say to each other.” Lucas pulled away from him and emptied his plate in the wastebasket, then placed it in the dishwasher. “Are you done with your dinner?”
Jordan nodded, watching as Lucas did the same with his plate. He wasn’t willing to let the topic go, however. “You’re lying to yourself. You know it, and I know it as well.”
