It had taken Jordan almost a year to gather the broken shards of his life and piece together a framework to live by. No matter how hard he’d pushed them away, his friends refused to allow him to mourn alone. There was no easy answer as to why he thought he could hide his secret dependence on the pills, but now, for the first time in his life, he was shaken and scared. Broken and alone. He needed Lucas, but Jordan couldn’t figure out how to push beyond his own betrayal and ask him for forgiveness. At this point, Jordan didn’t even believe he was a person worth saving. He fervently hoped Tash could help him, not only with the physical detox of the pills from his body, but to understand the psychological breakdown of his relationship with Lucas.
“Good to see you again.” Tash slid into the seat opposite him and placed a cup of steaming coffee on the table. “Are you feeling better this morning?”
“Not really.” At Jordan’s admission, Tash’s eyebrows rose.
“And you’d like to talk about it?”
“I would.” Jordan twisted his fingers together. How could his life have gotten so fucked up that he’d come to this point? “You know I lost my partner last year, right?”
Tash nodded but stayed silent.
“I became very angry and depressed. The anger was directed not only at the world at large, for the senselessness of Keith’s death, but at my best friend, Drew, whom I blamed at first.”
“That’s quite a bit to deal with at one time. I can understand why you sought treatment.” Tash’s neutral voice gave nothing away, and Jordan took another gulp of his cooled coffee and continued.
“The anger turned into anxiety and panic attacks, and my doctor prescribed medication, Xanax. The time came that he wanted me to stop the pills.” Jordan swallowed and took a sip of his coffee, not because he wanted it but to forestall what he had to say.
“But you didn’t stop them, did you?” Tash’s quiet voice held no censure, emboldening Jordan to continue and not lie or obfuscate the truth.
“No. I didn’t. I-I told him I didn’t feel ready to stop, but he dismissed me, saying it had been eight months. Long enough for me to have worked through whatever issues I had.” Jordan forced himself to meet Tash’s eyes. To his surprise, they held no sympathy, but were spitting angry green sparks.
“Do you mean to say your doctor told you to basically get over it?” The anger in Tash’s voice caused Jordan to blink in astonishment.
“Um, well, yeah. He said—”
“I don’t give a shit what he said.” Tash’s fist banged hard on the table, drawing the attention of several of the patrons sitting near them. “As a doctor, he knows how hard it can be to stop those kinds of drugs. Telling you to quit cold turkey was the height of unprofessionalism by your treating physician and bordered on malpractice, as far as I’m concerned.”
Jordan sat unblinking and began to shake. Tears burned hot behind his eyelids. Finally, someone understood the hell he’d been going through. “I wanted to quit, but I didn’t want anyone to know how far I’d fallen. To admit I had such a weakness.” Jordan choked out a bitter laugh. “I couldn’t do it. Not to my friends and family. They’d always looked up to me. I couldn’t let them down.”
“It isn’t weak to ask for help when you’re hurting, Jordan. It takes strength.” Tash’s anger had subsided to what Jordan now recognized as his naturally unruffled demeanor.
“You don’t know me, though. I’ve always looked out for everyone. Since we were young, I protected Drew and Mike from the bullies. They needed me.”
“Are you sure they needed you? Or did you need them, to make yourself feel important?” Tash sipped his coffee, then placed the cup back on the table. “Let me ask you about your best friends. Val told me a bit about them, I guess from what Luke told her, but I’d like to hear it from you.”
Jordan shrugged. “Not much to tell. Drew, Mike, and I have been friends since we were little. Mike is with Rachel now, and while it was strange at first, since we’ve known each other all our lives, I can see Mike is crazy about her and Rachel’s a great girl. I’m happy for them.”
“And Drew?”
Jordan tensed, and he could hear the note of self-defense creep into his voice. “He’s with Ash now. We obviously can’t be as close as we once were.” He took a sip of coffee, watching his hand shake as it held the cup. “What does this have to do with anything, with me?”
Not bothering to answer the question, Tash asked one of his own. “How do you feel about Drew’s relationship with Ash? Any resentment at being replaced as the number one guy in Drew’s life?”
“I wasn’t—”
Tash continued as if Jordan hadn’t spoken at all. “Drew moved on with his life and is happy. Does that bother you? That he’s happy with a man you don’t like?”
Licking his lips, Jordan’s breathing grew heavy. “It doesn’t matter if I like Ash or not. He loves Drew, and they work. It’s that…that…” His shoulders slumped.
“What? Go on, tell me.” Tash’s hand covered his—warm, dry, and solid.
“I have no one now who needs me anymore. Keith needed me, he always said, to show him happiness, and he’s gone. Drew has Ash, and Mike has Rachel.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I’m superfluous now. If I disappeared, the only one who would care would be my dog.”
“Is that what you believe?”
“It’s what I know. After Keith died, I isolated myself from everyone close to me. They carried on fine with their lives. I should’ve disappeared.” It all came pouring out of Jordan, his fear and the disappointment in himself. “No one would’ve noticed, and it would’ve made everything easier overall. Sometimes I think about ending it, but I’m too much of a coward.”
“You aren’t a coward. It takes strength to admit these truths not only to yourself but to others.” Tash’s hand remained on Jordan’s, his long fingers curling around Jordan’s damp palms. “What we have to discover is why you view your self-worth only as it relates to how others see you, not in your own accomplishments.”
